Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Final Blog
As I sit and think about taking down the Christmas decorations the old song from Counting Crows keeps running through my mind.
"A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last..."
I'm not sure what everybody else thinks about when the end of the year rolls around, but I have a feeling that at some point most people take a few minutes or so to reflect on the year and the desires they have for the year to come.
This will be my final blog on this website. Although there have been a variety of topics in my blog, the main underlying theme in my heart every time I signed on was what was going on with my mom and how it was affecting me. This is why I haven't been able to write much since my mom died in May.
The story is over for you. And I get that. Things happen to people and our friends have something tragic happen in their lives and after the finality of the situation (i.e. death) we move on and rarely think about it because it isn't "our" situation. It has been over 7 months since my mom died.
Unfortunately for me I have a fantastic memory. It is a great thing sometimes, but not always. I can remember silly small things and conversations from when I was in the third grade. So something as heavy as losing my mom only 7 months ago...every day I think about our final days together....our final conversations...her sick cancer making her look like someone I never knew.
In June it would have been her 50th birthday.
In July it was my "spiritual birthday" and she was the only one who knew and every year would send me an email about it. No email this year.
In September I turned 26 and it was the first time I did not get a phone call of my mom singing happy birthday to me. How silly that call sounded every year until it didn't come.
Thanksgiving came around in November and that was always the holiday that was spent with my mom. There was no need to go to her house this year.
Christmas in December. I was at the grocery store getting decorations for Christmas cookies. Last year my mom wrote down for us her homemade recipe of Christmas cookies. As I fumbled through the green and red colored sugar I felt an incredible wave of sadness and emptiness hit and I looked both ways to make sure nobody was in the same aisle and I cried very hard for about 10 seconds before trying to wipe my eyes and make it to the checkout counter. Again, no need to go to my mom's house. No need to call her on Christmas. No seeing her at the Christmas Eve service at church.
For me 2009 was month after month, day after day, of subtle and not-so-subtle reminders that for as long as I live I will never again see/talk to/communicate in any way with my mom.
There have been some bright moments, but as I reflect on this year and look back my heart is broken once again.
I am broken once again.
This is from Deuteronomy 4:
29-31 "But even there, if you seek God, your God, you'll be able to find him if you're serious, looking for him with your whole heart and soul. When troubles come and all these awful things happen to you, in future days you will come back to God, your God, and listen obediently to what he says. God, your God, is above all a compassionate God. In the end he will not abandon you, he won't bring you to ruin, he won't forget the covenant with your ancestors which he swore to them."
You should read the entire chapter. Other versions start out the first sentence "But from there you will seek..."
"From there" refers to some pretty bad things. Much worse than anything I have gone through. But from where I have been, I am ready to seek God.
Last December I posted a blog about how I was taking a break from God. Now I am ready look for him with my heart and soul. I am very serious about it too.
This is the transition into my new blog. The reason that I must retire this one is because of the reasons that I have mentioned. Every time I sign on I am reminded that this was started to help me cope with my mother having cancer.
My new blog will be written by myself and my best friend. It will chronicle our daily search for God. I believe that the whole earth is filled with the glory of God and I believe that I do a pretty awful job of allowing my heart to be open to that. In some ways this year has made me very tender towards God. In other ways, this year has calloused my heart towards him. I don't really know how to articulate that.
We will not be writing a daily devotional. I would hate that. I am not going to try to be inspiring every day because that is not my goal. My goal is that my eyes and my ears and my entire soul be opened up to the character of God through every day occurrences. God isn't confined to bible passages and devotional books and sermons. I want to seek after his heart in everything that I know. If you want to read along you are welcome to. I will post the link to the new site in a few days.
Until then.
There's reason to believe...
"A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last..."
I'm not sure what everybody else thinks about when the end of the year rolls around, but I have a feeling that at some point most people take a few minutes or so to reflect on the year and the desires they have for the year to come.
This will be my final blog on this website. Although there have been a variety of topics in my blog, the main underlying theme in my heart every time I signed on was what was going on with my mom and how it was affecting me. This is why I haven't been able to write much since my mom died in May.
The story is over for you. And I get that. Things happen to people and our friends have something tragic happen in their lives and after the finality of the situation (i.e. death) we move on and rarely think about it because it isn't "our" situation. It has been over 7 months since my mom died.
Unfortunately for me I have a fantastic memory. It is a great thing sometimes, but not always. I can remember silly small things and conversations from when I was in the third grade. So something as heavy as losing my mom only 7 months ago...every day I think about our final days together....our final conversations...her sick cancer making her look like someone I never knew.
In June it would have been her 50th birthday.
In July it was my "spiritual birthday" and she was the only one who knew and every year would send me an email about it. No email this year.
In September I turned 26 and it was the first time I did not get a phone call of my mom singing happy birthday to me. How silly that call sounded every year until it didn't come.
Thanksgiving came around in November and that was always the holiday that was spent with my mom. There was no need to go to her house this year.
Christmas in December. I was at the grocery store getting decorations for Christmas cookies. Last year my mom wrote down for us her homemade recipe of Christmas cookies. As I fumbled through the green and red colored sugar I felt an incredible wave of sadness and emptiness hit and I looked both ways to make sure nobody was in the same aisle and I cried very hard for about 10 seconds before trying to wipe my eyes and make it to the checkout counter. Again, no need to go to my mom's house. No need to call her on Christmas. No seeing her at the Christmas Eve service at church.
For me 2009 was month after month, day after day, of subtle and not-so-subtle reminders that for as long as I live I will never again see/talk to/communicate in any way with my mom.
There have been some bright moments, but as I reflect on this year and look back my heart is broken once again.
I am broken once again.
This is from Deuteronomy 4:
29-31 "But even there, if you seek God, your God, you'll be able to find him if you're serious, looking for him with your whole heart and soul. When troubles come and all these awful things happen to you, in future days you will come back to God, your God, and listen obediently to what he says. God, your God, is above all a compassionate God. In the end he will not abandon you, he won't bring you to ruin, he won't forget the covenant with your ancestors which he swore to them."
You should read the entire chapter. Other versions start out the first sentence "But from there you will seek..."
"From there" refers to some pretty bad things. Much worse than anything I have gone through. But from where I have been, I am ready to seek God.
Last December I posted a blog about how I was taking a break from God. Now I am ready look for him with my heart and soul. I am very serious about it too.
This is the transition into my new blog. The reason that I must retire this one is because of the reasons that I have mentioned. Every time I sign on I am reminded that this was started to help me cope with my mother having cancer.
My new blog will be written by myself and my best friend. It will chronicle our daily search for God. I believe that the whole earth is filled with the glory of God and I believe that I do a pretty awful job of allowing my heart to be open to that. In some ways this year has made me very tender towards God. In other ways, this year has calloused my heart towards him. I don't really know how to articulate that.
We will not be writing a daily devotional. I would hate that. I am not going to try to be inspiring every day because that is not my goal. My goal is that my eyes and my ears and my entire soul be opened up to the character of God through every day occurrences. God isn't confined to bible passages and devotional books and sermons. I want to seek after his heart in everything that I know. If you want to read along you are welcome to. I will post the link to the new site in a few days.
Until then.
There's reason to believe...
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
26
I turned 26 years old on the 26th of September.
Here are 26 memories I have of my life that I will never forget.
In no particular order:
1. I remember Jan 1, 1988 thinking how fast 1987 had gone by.
2. When I was 3 years old I hated a kid named Aaron that I met at church. He was the best man at my wedding.
3. I remember my dad being bigger than me. I miss that sometimes.
4. Cheating on eye exams knowing that I was incredibly blind. I had the board memorized. Until one day the "E" was a "D" and I could barely see it. I got glasses that week in the 7th grade.
5. Tearing up when Elliott Yamin was eliminated from American Idol. That was the best season ever.
6. I remember the one time that I was cut from trying out for a sports team. It was a summer league. I was so pissed.
7. The doors opening at the chapel and seeing Brittany in her wedding dress. I still can't describe what that felt like.
8. The first Gator game I remember going to. My dad took me and my neighbor Sean to see UF play South Carolina. We ate fried chicken and threw the football and my dad drank Budweiser. I dropped a pass from my friend and a SC fan said, "that's whats gonna happen today!" The Gators won by over 30 points.
9. Riding bikes to elementary school with my cousin Casey. One day on the way home I cut her off/she tried to run me over. My back tire rubbed her front one and she fell and scarred her elbow forever. I felt terrible/awesome at the same time.
10. My first cell phone. It was a sony ericsson and I believe I had around 100 minutes or so. It was for emergencies only and for my mom being able to contact me at all times I wasn't at home.
11. My first "B". I made straight A's until the 6th grade computer class when Mrs. Butts gave me a B. Now I am awesome at computer stuff and she is probably dead.
12. Having braces. Twice.
13. When my mom and stepdad told me they were getting a divorce after 15 years of being married.
14. I remember being in a church service where the music was absolutely terrible and the guy that preached was so boring, but I still felt that God was somehow trying to tell me something very important. That made me rethink a lot of things.
15. I remember standing behind the pulpit at a very conservative church because my button on my pants broke. I spoke for about 15 minutes wondering how I was going to be able to get out of there after I was done before anybody could see my undies.
16. The first R rated movie my parents let me rent was "The Fan". It had Robert Deniro and Wesley Snipes. It was about baseball and so I thought it couldn't be too bad. To this day it was one of the most vulgar movies I have ever seen.
17. Singing a song at my mom's funeral with her casket just feet in front of me. She had requested me to sing the specific song just a couple weeks earlier.
18. My dad working as a waiter at Charley's Steakhouse till 2am and then delivering Auto Trader's just a few hours later in the early morning to provide for our family. He did that for almost 2 years after 9/11 had ruined his business.
19. Sitting on our balcony on the honeymoon cruise drinking champagne with my new wife. Wondering how I got this lucky.
20. Getting my first and only referral in middle school from my bus driver Mr. Ramos. He said Aaron and me had thrown soda cans on the bus and trashed it. Our principal, who we were friends with, threw the referrals in the trash can.
21. Getting a nintendo entertainment system for a birthday having no idea that video games would be such a huge part of my life
22. Having my first drink.
23. Getting a Taylor 310ce acoustic guitar from my mom for a graduation present after my senior year of high school.
24. When getting great white shark in Shark Bites was my main concern in the day.
25. My first car was a '95 Eclipse with a turbo engine. Somehow I never got a speeding ticket in that, but when I gtot a 2000 silver Neon the cops loved to pull me over.
26. Being bigger than everyone my age in the 6th grade.
Here are 26 memories I have of my life that I will never forget.
In no particular order:
1. I remember Jan 1, 1988 thinking how fast 1987 had gone by.
2. When I was 3 years old I hated a kid named Aaron that I met at church. He was the best man at my wedding.
3. I remember my dad being bigger than me. I miss that sometimes.
4. Cheating on eye exams knowing that I was incredibly blind. I had the board memorized. Until one day the "E" was a "D" and I could barely see it. I got glasses that week in the 7th grade.
5. Tearing up when Elliott Yamin was eliminated from American Idol. That was the best season ever.
6. I remember the one time that I was cut from trying out for a sports team. It was a summer league. I was so pissed.
7. The doors opening at the chapel and seeing Brittany in her wedding dress. I still can't describe what that felt like.
8. The first Gator game I remember going to. My dad took me and my neighbor Sean to see UF play South Carolina. We ate fried chicken and threw the football and my dad drank Budweiser. I dropped a pass from my friend and a SC fan said, "that's whats gonna happen today!" The Gators won by over 30 points.
9. Riding bikes to elementary school with my cousin Casey. One day on the way home I cut her off/she tried to run me over. My back tire rubbed her front one and she fell and scarred her elbow forever. I felt terrible/awesome at the same time.
10. My first cell phone. It was a sony ericsson and I believe I had around 100 minutes or so. It was for emergencies only and for my mom being able to contact me at all times I wasn't at home.
11. My first "B". I made straight A's until the 6th grade computer class when Mrs. Butts gave me a B. Now I am awesome at computer stuff and she is probably dead.
12. Having braces. Twice.
13. When my mom and stepdad told me they were getting a divorce after 15 years of being married.
14. I remember being in a church service where the music was absolutely terrible and the guy that preached was so boring, but I still felt that God was somehow trying to tell me something very important. That made me rethink a lot of things.
15. I remember standing behind the pulpit at a very conservative church because my button on my pants broke. I spoke for about 15 minutes wondering how I was going to be able to get out of there after I was done before anybody could see my undies.
16. The first R rated movie my parents let me rent was "The Fan". It had Robert Deniro and Wesley Snipes. It was about baseball and so I thought it couldn't be too bad. To this day it was one of the most vulgar movies I have ever seen.
17. Singing a song at my mom's funeral with her casket just feet in front of me. She had requested me to sing the specific song just a couple weeks earlier.
18. My dad working as a waiter at Charley's Steakhouse till 2am and then delivering Auto Trader's just a few hours later in the early morning to provide for our family. He did that for almost 2 years after 9/11 had ruined his business.
19. Sitting on our balcony on the honeymoon cruise drinking champagne with my new wife. Wondering how I got this lucky.
20. Getting my first and only referral in middle school from my bus driver Mr. Ramos. He said Aaron and me had thrown soda cans on the bus and trashed it. Our principal, who we were friends with, threw the referrals in the trash can.
21. Getting a nintendo entertainment system for a birthday having no idea that video games would be such a huge part of my life
22. Having my first drink.
23. Getting a Taylor 310ce acoustic guitar from my mom for a graduation present after my senior year of high school.
24. When getting great white shark in Shark Bites was my main concern in the day.
25. My first car was a '95 Eclipse with a turbo engine. Somehow I never got a speeding ticket in that, but when I gtot a 2000 silver Neon the cops loved to pull me over.
26. Being bigger than everyone my age in the 6th grade.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Kanye vs. Joe
I don't think that I need to rehash the events of Kanye West (rapper) and Joe Wilson (congressman) from the last week.
I can't tell you what you "should" have felt towards both people, but I can give you a taste of what I felt.
Kanye is a man consumed with himself and this isn't the first time that this has happened. Kanye has a platform to write whatever he wants in his music to express whatever he feels about anything. Yet he still feels the need to make an ass of himself in front of the camera and in the process ruins somebody's day. This time it happened to be Taylor Swift. If you don't like it, then write a song about it. When a person is accepting an award and especially when it is one of their FIRST awards, nobody cares about Kanye at the moment. But he cannot let that happen. He must be at the center of attention even if everyone else in the building is paying respects to someone else. Kanye has some fans that will love everything he does and are blinded by their allegiance to him. He also lost some fans the other day.
Joe Wilson acted like an undisciplined child on the biggest stage in politics. I can remember in speech classes the #1 rule is that you make no comments during the speech and if you weren't going to pay attention, then you make sure that you aren't being distracting. If you didn't follow these simple rules of respect you got an F on your next assignment. That was 9th grade. Many of the congressman were holding up signs during the speech and this person decided it was ok to yell out during the speech. The one giving the speech happened to be the President. If you don't like what the Pres has to say then give a speech about it or write an article about it after the fact. Some people are so blinded by their allegiance to the republican party that they will love anything that these people do. But Joe lost some fans the other day.
Here is a link to Kanye showing up on Jay Leno last night and apologizing on national TV:
http://www.thejaylenoshow.com/video/clips/kanye-west/1157073/
I have no idea how sincere it is. Honestly, Kanye has done this so many times the only thing he can do is shut up for a long time. But at least he took his bath and made an apology in front of millions and says he wants to apologize in person to Swift.
Link of Joe talking about apologizing:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/13/wilson-i-wont-apologize-a_n_284894.html
Notice the difference in both videos.
Both of these men are very similar even though they probably both hate each other. It is odd. We are losing our common sense. It isn't a political issue. It isn't an issue of pop culture. What Kanye did is make that ok for someone in the future to do. What Joe did is make that ok for someone in the future.
Dumb.
I can't tell you what you "should" have felt towards both people, but I can give you a taste of what I felt.
Kanye is a man consumed with himself and this isn't the first time that this has happened. Kanye has a platform to write whatever he wants in his music to express whatever he feels about anything. Yet he still feels the need to make an ass of himself in front of the camera and in the process ruins somebody's day. This time it happened to be Taylor Swift. If you don't like it, then write a song about it. When a person is accepting an award and especially when it is one of their FIRST awards, nobody cares about Kanye at the moment. But he cannot let that happen. He must be at the center of attention even if everyone else in the building is paying respects to someone else. Kanye has some fans that will love everything he does and are blinded by their allegiance to him. He also lost some fans the other day.
Joe Wilson acted like an undisciplined child on the biggest stage in politics. I can remember in speech classes the #1 rule is that you make no comments during the speech and if you weren't going to pay attention, then you make sure that you aren't being distracting. If you didn't follow these simple rules of respect you got an F on your next assignment. That was 9th grade. Many of the congressman were holding up signs during the speech and this person decided it was ok to yell out during the speech. The one giving the speech happened to be the President. If you don't like what the Pres has to say then give a speech about it or write an article about it after the fact. Some people are so blinded by their allegiance to the republican party that they will love anything that these people do. But Joe lost some fans the other day.
Here is a link to Kanye showing up on Jay Leno last night and apologizing on national TV:
http://www.thejaylenoshow.com/video/clips/kanye-west/1157073/
I have no idea how sincere it is. Honestly, Kanye has done this so many times the only thing he can do is shut up for a long time. But at least he took his bath and made an apology in front of millions and says he wants to apologize in person to Swift.
Link of Joe talking about apologizing:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/13/wilson-i-wont-apologize-a_n_284894.html
Notice the difference in both videos.
Both of these men are very similar even though they probably both hate each other. It is odd. We are losing our common sense. It isn't a political issue. It isn't an issue of pop culture. What Kanye did is make that ok for someone in the future to do. What Joe did is make that ok for someone in the future.
Dumb.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Oh The Controversy
http://www.whitehouse.gov/MediaResources/PreparedSchoolRemarks/
Either click the title of this post or copy and past the above link and read the speech.
As I have said before, if Ronald Raegan gave this speech then there would be no controversy.
Most everybody that I heard making a big deal over this had not yet read the speech. They probably still haven't.
Read it. It is inspiring. I hope that when I have a child that the president then would be able to openly talk to my son or daughter in the same manner about education.
Either click the title of this post or copy and past the above link and read the speech.
As I have said before, if Ronald Raegan gave this speech then there would be no controversy.
Most everybody that I heard making a big deal over this had not yet read the speech. They probably still haven't.
Read it. It is inspiring. I hope that when I have a child that the president then would be able to openly talk to my son or daughter in the same manner about education.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Back To School
I can remember growing up that on the first day of school every year my mom would wake me up singing a line, "Up in morning and off to school.... Teachers are teaching the golden rule...." From Kindergarten through my senior year of high school she woke me up like that. So annoying.
Tonight was my first day of school in a couple of years. I am taking two courses this semester. One is an online course, Professional Writing. The other is once a week on Thursday nights and it is Criminal Justice Systems. I have to take some upper elective courses and so these two interested me more than anthropology and other things similar.
The campus has changed so much in just two years. As I waited outside of the classroom a friend of mine who is younger than me saw me and we talked for a couple of minutes. He is in his last semester. I am not.
My class is an upper level elective class so most of the people aren't that much younger than me, but still some of them looked like they were in middle school.
Most of all sitting in class reminded me of the time when I was in class the most a few years back. It reminded me of the days when I only worked 15-20 hours a week and spent most of the time in between classes hanging out with my roommates.
Late nights. Good friends. Some not so smart decisions. And some great ones.
I believe that I do a pretty decent job of "living in the moment" and not taking for granted what is happening right now. I wouldn't say that my first few years of college were the best years of my life, but they sure were a lot of fun. I would take being married to Brittany over living with the guys any day, but I will always look back on those couple of years with the guys as being some of the best moments of all time.
So I raise a toast to my old roommates and the fact that I don't ever have to deal with living with them agian.
Tonight was my first day of school in a couple of years. I am taking two courses this semester. One is an online course, Professional Writing. The other is once a week on Thursday nights and it is Criminal Justice Systems. I have to take some upper elective courses and so these two interested me more than anthropology and other things similar.
The campus has changed so much in just two years. As I waited outside of the classroom a friend of mine who is younger than me saw me and we talked for a couple of minutes. He is in his last semester. I am not.
My class is an upper level elective class so most of the people aren't that much younger than me, but still some of them looked like they were in middle school.
Most of all sitting in class reminded me of the time when I was in class the most a few years back. It reminded me of the days when I only worked 15-20 hours a week and spent most of the time in between classes hanging out with my roommates.
Late nights. Good friends. Some not so smart decisions. And some great ones.
I believe that I do a pretty decent job of "living in the moment" and not taking for granted what is happening right now. I wouldn't say that my first few years of college were the best years of my life, but they sure were a lot of fun. I would take being married to Brittany over living with the guys any day, but I will always look back on those couple of years with the guys as being some of the best moments of all time.
So I raise a toast to my old roommates and the fact that I don't ever have to deal with living with them agian.
Pretty Dumb
Plaxico Burress:
Takes a gun into a nightclub and accidentally shoots himself in the leg 2mm away from his femoral. 2mm away from killing himself.
He gets two years in jail.
Michael Vick:
Runs a pretty sick (not in a good way) dog fighting ring. Tortures and kills animals.
He gets 23 months in jail.
Dante Stallworth:
Runs a man over with his car. In his statement to the police he said he honked the horn and flicked the lights at the man. Apparently he had time to do that, but not to slow down. He has enough money to get a cab to take him home.
He gets 30 days in jail.
Pretty dumb.
Takes a gun into a nightclub and accidentally shoots himself in the leg 2mm away from his femoral. 2mm away from killing himself.
He gets two years in jail.
Michael Vick:
Runs a pretty sick (not in a good way) dog fighting ring. Tortures and kills animals.
He gets 23 months in jail.
Dante Stallworth:
Runs a man over with his car. In his statement to the police he said he honked the horn and flicked the lights at the man. Apparently he had time to do that, but not to slow down. He has enough money to get a cab to take him home.
He gets 30 days in jail.
Pretty dumb.
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