Final Blog

As I sit and think about taking down the Christmas decorations the old song from Counting Crows keeps running through my mind.

"A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last..."

I'm not sure what everybody else thinks about when the end of the year rolls around, but I have a feeling that at some point most people take a few minutes or so to reflect on the year and the desires they have for the year to come.

This will be my final blog on this website. Although there have been a variety of topics in my blog, the main underlying theme in my heart every time I signed on was what was going on with my mom and how it was affecting me. This is why I haven't been able to write much since my mom died in May.

The story is over for you. And I get that. Things happen to people and our friends have something tragic happen in their lives and after the finality of the situation (i.e. death) we move on and rarely think about it because it isn't "our" situation. It has been over 7 months since my mom died.

Unfortunately for me I have a fantastic memory. It is a great thing sometimes, but not always. I can remember silly small things and conversations from when I was in the third grade. So something as heavy as losing my mom only 7 months ago...every day I think about our final days together....our final conversations...her sick cancer making her look like someone I never knew.

In June it would have been her 50th birthday.

In July it was my "spiritual birthday" and she was the only one who knew and every year would send me an email about it. No email this year.

In September I turned 26 and it was the first time I did not get a phone call of my mom singing happy birthday to me. How silly that call sounded every year until it didn't come.

Thanksgiving came around in November and that was always the holiday that was spent with my mom. There was no need to go to her house this year.

Christmas in December. I was at the grocery store getting decorations for Christmas cookies. Last year my mom wrote down for us her homemade recipe of Christmas cookies. As I fumbled through the green and red colored sugar I felt an incredible wave of sadness and emptiness hit and I looked both ways to make sure nobody was in the same aisle and I cried very hard for about 10 seconds before trying to wipe my eyes and make it to the checkout counter. Again, no need to go to my mom's house. No need to call her on Christmas. No seeing her at the Christmas Eve service at church.

For me 2009 was month after month, day after day, of subtle and not-so-subtle reminders that for as long as I live I will never again see/talk to/communicate in any way with my mom.

There have been some bright moments, but as I reflect on this year and look back my heart is broken once again.

I am broken once again.

This is from Deuteronomy 4:

^29-31 "But even there, if you seek God, your God, you'll be able to find him if you're serious, looking for him with your whole heart and soul. When troubles come and all these awful things happen to you, in future days you will come back to God, your God, and listen obediently to what he says. God, your God, is above all a compassionate God. In the end he will not abandon you, he won't bring you to ruin, he won't forget the covenant with your ancestors which he swore to them."

You should read the entire chapter. Other versions start out the first sentence "But from there you will seek..."

"From there" refers to some pretty bad things. Much worse than anything I have gone through. But from where I have been, I am ready to seek God.

Last December I posted a blog about how I was taking a break from God. Now I am ready look for him with my heart and soul. I am very serious about it too.

This is the transition into my new blog. The reason that I must retire this one is because of the reasons that I have mentioned. Every time I sign on I am reminded that this was started to help me cope with my mother having cancer.

My new blog will be written by myself and my best friend. It will chronicle our daily search for God. I believe that the whole earth is filled with the glory of God and I believe that I do a pretty awful job of allowing my heart to be open to that. In some ways this year has made me very tender towards God. In other ways, this year has calloused my heart towards him. I don't really know how to articulate that.

We will not be writing a daily devotional. I would hate that. I am not going to try to be inspiring every day because that is not my goal. My goal is that my eyes and my ears and my entire soul be opened up to the character of God through every day occurrences. God isn't confined to bible passages and devotional books and sermons. I want to seek after his heart in everything that I know. If you want to read along you are welcome to. I will post the link to the new site in a few days.

Until then.

There's reason to believe...