Pretty Crazy

My father wrote me an email shortly after he read my last post. He told me that he read it and then read it once more and that his heart was aching for his son. These next few sentences I should just copy and paste from the email, for there is great power in them and I don't want to get one word wrong.

" I think of you so often as a little boy and I want to take away the pain, but you’re a man now and you’re acting like one. I’m proud of you….I always have been."

I have read those specific lines over and over again since they landed on my blackberry just a few hours before my mom died. Such a few words that I know will always remain in my memory.

Since my mother's death I have begun to take some things a little more seriously. Things including my health, weight, time, finances...etc. Included in that process is making sure that my wife and eventually the rest of my family feels secure and safe and one of the things that is a large part of that is our finances. At the beginning of the week I took a closer look at how I can help my wife and our bills and what is really more important in certain areas.

The biggest thing that we agreed upon changing is our car situation. Brittany's car is a lease. That was a deal that went down before we were married so we have been paying about $250 a month towards a car that we know that we will not want to buy once the lease ends in October of 2010. Instead of paying that money to "rent" a car we decided that we needed to get rid of the lease asap and put that money towards something else more constructive. It all worked out rather quickly and Brittany's parents actually wanted to take the car from us so as of the end of July we were ready to be a one car family.

One car would be a tough thing for us because Brittany goes to school and I was going to start back again in August and riding the public bus to work would be my transportation, but we were ok with that and believed that we were doing our best to sacrifice a little to be better with our money. Wednesday night I finalized our insurance policy to remove the car as of the end of July (when her parents would take it form us). I felt great about it.

But also a little worried about how I was going to get around.

Tonight, Thursday, Brittany and I went over to where my mom lived to see her husband and go through a few things that now belonged to us. There were some incredible priceless things that I am so thankful to have. I believe that being a pack rat is not good, but please save some things. I found pictures and random things that I have never seen before. We all teared up as we went through things that were close to my mom's heart and the idea that she is no longer here was very real.

As we took some of the boxes to our car Darold, my mom's husband, said "Since we are out here I want to give these to you."

He handed each of us the keys to my mom's car and told us that she had a policy that allowed the car to be paid off completely after she died and given to us. He cried as he told us this and I believe I laughed at first and then cried all within 5 seconds.

The crazy thing is that Brittany and I had just discussed that we would pay for cash for whatever car we owned in the future and never again have to deal with a car payment. I was planning on saving up about 6-8k for a decent used car eventually.

The car that we now own because of the generosity of my mom and her husband is something that we would not be able to buy until we were very old. I would not brag about my own car if I had bought it myself, but I am going to tell you a little about this car since, I believe, it shows what a great gift it is.

-2007 Nissan Altima

-25,040 miles

-Complete navigation system included

-Bluetooth included

-Power seats, windows

-Seat warmers

-Camera when you reverse to show you what is behind you

-Leather seats

-Keyless ingnition, keyless locking/unlocking

-Sunroof

-6 disc CD changer and mp3 accesible

-Seriously, everything is digital. Everything. And there is a screen in the middle where the GPS is that is touch screen.

-Darold had it deatailed before he gave it to us

The only reason I am going into all of this detail is because I am incredibly overwhelmed by my mom's final gift to me and my wife. I am also almost speechless to the fact that this came just the day after our plans were final to get rid of one of our cars and begin the long process of saving enough money to buy a decent used car.

My next post will be on heaven. I am not sure exactly what that means, but I have been thinking a lot about it lately and will get to it.

But for now all I can think of is how thankful I am to my mother for loving me. She had this planned almost two years ago before her first surgery. I believe that God had something to do with all of this. When I had a conversation with my mom about her death that I described in my last post she was about to tell me what she was going to leave me and I told her that we didn't need to talk about that.

Two years in the making and God worked out the timing in such a way that all I can do is sit here on my couch and be amazed at everything. I understand that none of you will know how incredible this really is, but I just had to write about it.

I Always Wondered What This Would Be Like

On Tuesday evening May 5th I walked into my grandmama's back door not knowing exactly what I was going to say or what my mom was going to say or if I was going to break down emotionally or come across as too stern because I was hardened by the fact that cancer had taken its toll on my mother.

I entered the door and heard crying immediately. I took a left and 20 feet away my mom was understandably almost hysterical as she sat on the bed and cried. I walked in and my uncle said, "She knows, Jason". I leaned over to hug my mom and through the massive tears she uttered...

"I know that I'm dying..."

A sigh from me, "I know."

I sat down next to her and I held her hand. I don't remember the last time that I held my mom's hand for something other than praying before a meal.

She asked how long had I known and I simply replied, "For a while."

We talked about many things...

"Was I a good mom?"...

"On your break from church did you find the answers you were looking for?"...

"What will you tell your kids about me?"...

"What have you thought about my cancer over the last year and a half?"...

"What do you want to pursue in your life?"....................................

I will always remember this conversation. Literally, always. I believe that even when I am in heaven I will talk to my mom and we will say something like, "...that was such a great conversation..."

I told my mother at the end of the conversation that for Mother's Day she had to accept my gift. I told her that Brittany and I were going to change our vacation plans and instead of traveling to San Francisco and Lake Tahoe and be with her wherever she wanted. She chose the beach and I made plans the next day to spend the following week at New Smyrna with her and her husband and my wife. People have said things like, "that is a really great thing that you did for your mom", but I consider it more common sense. I mean, who wouldn't do the same thing?

So I rented the condo from Saturday May 9th to Saturday May 16th. My mom and her husband Darold arrived at the condo on Saturday and after working Sunday Brittany and I joined them.

Monday was a great day. It was obvious that my mother's health had quickly gone downhill since I had last seen her. So we carried her down to the beach and she enjoyed a day in the sun watching us play in the waves and throw the frisbee. There is something so simple and great about throwing the frisbee at the beach. It makes me wonder what other simple things that people get to experience around the world in their own environments that I will never get to.

I knew that my mom was not doing well as she was not really eating. Literally she was only eating a few peanuts a day and possibly an Ensure drink. The alarming thing was that she was throwing up far more than she was taking in.

Tuesday she looked much worse. She was also becoming less responsive. She was zoning out when I would talk to her and it was almost like she wasn't even there at times. But around 1pm she seemed as close to herself as she could be. Her and I talked for about two hours at that point. I knew that that would be the last "real" conversation we would have. We talked about so many things in between me changing her "puke pot" out for a new one. She said she felt that death was coming on quick. She told me how proud she was of the person I had become and that I had exceeded the great expectations that she had for me. She told me what she wanted me to sing at her funeral, if I could. We talked about heaven and what we thought it would be like. My mother expressed to me that she was no longer worried about Brittany and I, but that she was still concerned about her husband and leaving him behind and alone and sad. We discussed how she would have a great legacy in my kid's eyes unlike her dad who was a loser. I remember that I almost broke down and cried when I told her that I would miss a mother's pride in her son and a love that extended beyond all faults. God, it felt like we talked for days.

Wednesday was one of the worst days of my life. My mom asked to go down to the beach again, but shortly after she was carried down she began to throw up everywhere. Immediately she began to cry and repeatedly say how sorry she was. Brittany had never seen her get sick like that and was upset. Darold was beginning to realize this was the end. And I was there feeling like I was trying to oversee everything and everyone and at that point I didn't know what to do or say. I went back inside to hang out with my mom and she was still crying saying that she was ruining my vacation and that she was so so sorry.

I just hugged her. I then went to the bathroom and sobbed harder than I had in years. My mother was physically almost unrecognizable. Her skin was a dark yellow along with her eyes. She threw up 5 times as much as she was eating/drinking. She could barely walk from the bed to the bathroom. And she was the one apologizing to me.

Even now as I write this I cry.

She spent the rest of that Wednesday in bed. She didn't want to talk really. She couldn't eat anything.

I talked to my uncle and he and my grandma decided that they should come out to the beach to actually look at my mom. Remember it was just a week ago that my mom was sitting up having a conversation with me. She had looked bad then, but by now she looked ten times worse. When my uncle and grandma arrived we knew right away almost that we needed to get her back home. She was dying and needed to be the most comfortable. We packed up around midnight and left needing to get my mom home so that she could die in a comfortable place in peace.

Today it was difficult to look at my mom. Her body lay in bed somehow still looking worse than before. I spoke to her and told her that Brittany was making a big dinner for the entire family and asked her if she wanted me to sing a few songs to her afterwards. In the loudest voice she had she said yes and nodded her head.

After dinner I went home to get my guitar and wondered what this was going to be like. I came in and it was very dark in the bedroom. I sang to her for probably around an hour. I sang old hymns, songs that I had written, and more contemporary songs. I am not sure how I got through it, but I did. And I could sense the grace and love from God flowing through the music in between my mother and myself.

I sang the song that she asked me to sing at her funeral at the end. "I Bowed On My Knees And Cried Holy". At the end of the song I quit playing and within two seconds her arms were stretched out towards me as she was lying down and she was loudly saying, "thank you, i love you."

I always wondered what this would be like. The final days have been full of tears, aching, helplessness, pain, love, peace, comfort, laughter....the list goes on and on.

You realize how many things that we esteem as "important" are so very not.

You understand that there will never be anything like a mother's love.

You are reminded of the reality of the fact that you must be very clear with yourself on what you believe about faith/heaven.

I will always remember that my mom had to battle a rare type of cancer that was more than devastating to her body. More than that, I will remember how our relationship evolved in the final 21 months of her life. We put away childish differences and loved each other the way that God always intended for us to.

For a while I hated that God had allowed this to happen.

While I will never fully understand or pretend to, I am thankful for many of the things that happened in my relationship with my mother that would have never happened without this cancer.

My mom probably has just a few more days.

But the memories will last forever.

A Year

On this very hour a year ago today Brittany and I were getting ready to begin the wedding rehearsal. I can remember how much I was not looking forward to that. The rehearsal is always the worst part weddings that I have been a part of. It is necessary and very helpful, but towards the end everyone gets antsy and I am always hungry and I start to become annoyed with the one or two people who decide that they should give their input every 30 seconds even though nobody cares and most of what they say is stupid.

But it was over before we knew it and we were at Kobe Steakhouse enjoying the time with our friends and family.

Tomorrow marks 1 year since Brittany and I have been married. A couple people at work told me, "congratulations man!" and I knew that it was a sincere gesture, but nonetheless it felt a little weird. Mainly because to me anniversaries are more of a reflection time than anything else. Brittany and I have been dating and now married for a total of over 4 years and I have never felt like we deserved congrats for it. Maybe if we live to be very old it will be different and I will feel a sense of accomplishment for making it through the "bad times" as well as the "good"... whatever that means.

We will celebrate. Don't get me wrong. Our marriage is a BIG deal to me and our plans for tomorrow evening our a secret so I can't spill the beans to you. But our marriage is more of a big deal to me than our anniversary. I am just as content spending time with Brittany watching "American Idol" or "24" as anything else. Going out and celebrating is fun, but staying home and doing nothing occasionally is just as much a celebration of the fact that we not only can stand each other, but we actually like spending time together without bells and whistles.

A few things I have learned or come to a better understanding of include the following:

1. Our time together is precious and we do not care who understands that or who doesn't. We spend usually one evening together a week with each other with no work or school involved. We don't have the type of schedules that allow for anything more. We like to spend that one evening alone away from everyone else because it is only a once a week possibility. We made our family rounds on the holidays, but on Christmas Day we hung out only with each other. Our vacation time is used to spend an entire week with one another apart from anyone. We had a week off in March together and it felt like an incredibly long vacation since we hardly see each other. Some people or family members might not understand why. But they don't have to and I have learned that we are okay with that.

2. Brittany works harder than anyone I know. Since we have been married she has started her graduate program and I know that it puts an enormous amount of pressure on her. She has started her speech therapy sessions with clients this semester, has group presentations, projects, exams, papers every single week. She works full time on her feet waiting on tables. She is respected at work as a dependable person that works hard. And that job sucks. I know, I work there too. Brittany finds time somewhere in between to do things like the laundry, clean the apartment, go grocery shopping and also be a loving wife. In this last year there has not been one single time where she has ever said or done anything to make me feel like less of a person because I don't have the type of job that can allow her to just focus on school and not worry about also putting 30-40 hours of work in at a crappy job. She just keeps on working and keeps on loving me.

3. I am completely content with my marriage. We are similar in some aspects of our personality, but very different in others. And the differences make for good company. I have not seen anything in any other person that I wish Brittany had. I did not settle for anything getting married, but rather was blessed with somebody that exceeded any expectations I put on my future wife growing up.

4. I am clumsier than I used to be. I am not sure if this has anything to do with marriage or just a part of getting older. I am only 25 so I'm not saying I'm old, but I keep running into shit and spilling things like I never used to.

My advice for people that are not yet married is that things don't really change a whole lot. The fingerprint that makes up your relationship is just magnified under marriage and put in your face. Thankfully we have always had a very healthy friendship and relationship and this past year has reminded me of that day after day.

He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of the sudden I am unaware
Of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great your affections are for me

Oh how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How he loves so

So He is our portion and we are His bride
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about
The way...

He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves

Honesty

Something happened tonight that has not happened in a long time...

A few posts ago I wrote about how I was taking a break from church to focus on my relationship with God. A relationship that I believed to be severely overshadowed by my relationship to church (and the money I made for it).

I thought that in my post I was being very clear that my intent was not malicious in any way towards anything or anyone, but rather an honest and in depth look inside of myself. I am a genuinely quiet person about serious things and sometimes this blog is a way for me to try and express myself how I could not or would not want to vocally. So that post was me doing my best to be honest and real and help you understand where I am coming from.

Of course I knew that some people would not understand, not because of anything wrong with them, but rather because I am wired very differently than some and I know that no matter how I portray my own heart that there will be those that will not get it.

I want to thank you if you posted anything as a response to that post. Other people who did not respond in writing had some very demeaning and negative things to say about what I wrote in that post. People that I consider friends. And that hurt. It hurts more that those people still have not said one word about it to me, whether it be concern or discouraging. They decided to make remarks to my wife when I wasn't there.

My advice to anyone who reads this. If somebody opens themselves up and becomes vulnerable in any fashion, make sure that your priority is to let them know that it is ok to be honest. More than trying to give them advice or more than trying to let them know why they shouldn't think or say things. Just listen (or read) and whatever your response is.... let it be humble.

All of that out of the way... I told Brittany the other day that I believe that God is working in my heart. I think that is a very cliche and cheesy way of saying it, but I don't care about trying to make it sound cool or modern because those of you reading know what I mean. A bunch of small things that I don't need to go into detail of have helped me see that God is in the process of softening my heart. My heart has been very hard and calloused for such a long time and I have grown so cynical.

If we believe that we have a relationship with God then I believe that I am in the process of restoring that relationship. I know that technically that might not be theologically correct to the tee, but I hope you understand what I am saying.

In light of these things, something happened tonight that has not happened in a long time...

I cried.

I cried for my sins.

I cried for my mom.

I cried because I miss Jesus.

And I cried because I am not sure of what to think of God these days.

This is now me being honest. If you respond to this blog please don't comment or try to give any advice on what I am about to say. I believe that this is kind of like a journal and the only reason I write down honest struggles for others to see is that I believe it is healthy for everyone.

My mother has been extremely sick lately. She has not been able to go back to work. She is continuously throwing up, almost to the point of having to go to the hospital because she didn't know what else to do. The pain near her liver, where tumors are, is so intense that she can barely sleep at night. I know it is very bad because my mother is not a big complainer and can take pain pretty well.

I wish that I could just say that I'm trusting in God because Rom. 8:28 says all things work together for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purposes. But I cannot. I don't believe that specific verse is garbage, but I do believe it is garbage when somebody quotes that to make somebody like me try to feel better. "You just have to trust Him..." If your mom,dad,spouse,friend, child gets cancer and is in the state my mom is in and somebody throws that verse out expecting it to save the day you will find that you want to punch that person in their face. Believe me, I completely understand that people have the best intentions.

I can clearly recall just a short time ago, before my mom started this journey, that I was on the other end listening to a close friend who's dad had pancreatic cancer and was about to go under for surgery that could end his life. I had no idea of what they were going through, but in the back of my mind I tried to convince myself that I could understand. I told that person the only thing I knew to say was that I believed that God was big enough to handle their anger, hurt, frustration, pain, questions. I think that many Christians are not able to handle those things, thus people commenting to Brittany about my blog and how I shouldn't have said those things.

So here I am. I am angry with God. There are moments when I wonder if there is a God to be angry at. My mom is a pretty decent human being compared to most people that I know. I don't believe that people deserve cancer, but I know a lot of people that have lived a long time and who have treated their bodies far worse than my mom who are living with no cancer. I know angry and mean people who are living with no cancer.

And then anger turns to hurt and sadness. I know that God's ways are "above mine" and all of that kind of stuff, but this is my mom. It hits home in a very real way this time. I know that God doesn't "owe" me anything, but surely the divorce when I was 16 was enough. That took quite a while to get through. But this seems absurd. I know that it sounds so childish, but I cannot help but wonder why. The bigger picture that I cannot see will never be worth it to me. I know that Job got a lot more stuff after all of his original stuff was finished off, but I don't think Job would have ever said it was worth it. I think he was grateful and felt he owed everything to God, but to loose all of your children? Having more doesn't take away the loss.

This has been a very long post and it probably could have been much more well thought out. But I needed to write down exactly what I was thinking without holding back or editing.

I am in the process of restoring my relationship with God. It is a strange and unique time. I don't know where it is going to lead. That scares me a little.

I do feel that somehow God is holding all of this together. I do feel that He loves me.

I am just hurt and saddened by God...

But I do miss Him...

New Year

My heart beats like a drum, flying up with the sun
I grab Your hand again
Renovated with life, my eyes again bright
And You are radiant

Where hope can hold my hand of sorrow
And we can walk into tomorrow
Where peace is found in troubled days
And the joy of Jesus carries pain

This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine, lift up your eyes
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine and point the way to God's great life

I'm held in a place, a beautiful space
Where heaven meets the earth
My heart opens wide and the Father pours life
Deep inside my soul

Where hope can hold my hand of sorrow
And we can walk into tomorrow
Where peace is found in troubled days
And the joy of Jesus carries pain

This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine, lift up your eyes
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine and point the way to God's great life

Where hope can hold my hand of sorrow
We can walk into tomorrow
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine, lift up your eyes

This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine and point the way to God's great life

This a new year, this is a new day
Rise, rise, rise and shine
This is a new year, this is a new year

-Charlie Hall

Our First Christmas

Today is the day after Christmas and it also marks exactly 8 months since Brittany and I were married.

I have a theory that time goes by faster as you get older because: When you are 5 years old 1 year is 20% of your life. When you are 25 years old 1 year is only 4% of your life. And the older you get 1 year is much less of your life than it was when you started.

Anyways, Brittany and I have been working at the Hyatt Regency Hotel for over a year now. Between school schedules and also me working at churches we rarely have had days off together since our honeymoon in April. I mean, literally we have probably had about 9 days off together since then and that is only at the Hyatt. Usually if I get a Thursday off she is at school for half the day and then studying in the evening. You see what I am getting at. We don't have normal weekends. We aren't guaranteed a day to relax together every week. Our time is precious.

Not long after becoming husband and wife we understood that certain boundaries would have to be made in relation to the time spent with our families on holidays and all that jazz. For instance we worked on Thanksgiving and were expecting to possibly have to work on Christmas day. But we did tell our immediate family members that on Christmas day we would not be seeing them and in fact our phones would be turned off.

Please understand that we have and still are spending the rest of this week making sure that everyone gets quality time spent with us to celebrate Christmas. And by celebrating I don't mean exchanging gifts, but just being together for even just an hour or so.

So this Christmas we slept in until around 10am. It felt great. No alarms. No people. Just each other. We woke up and went straight to the 4 foot Christmas tree and exchanged presents. We each got three for each other. We did quite well with the gifts I might add.

We made cinnamon rolls w/ icing for breakfast and we went back to bed and watched It's A Wonderful Life.

After that we got cleaned up and went to the movies to use some gift cards that we had received. After some discussion on what we should see we easily agreed on "Yes Man" with Jim Carrey. The movie theater is PACKED on Christmas day! The movie was pretty good and free.

When we left there we were hungry, but realized that nothing American would be open. So we headed towards Xing Xing, the sushi/japanese/chinese/ place a block away from our apt. I knew it would be open due to the fact that at the end of "A Christmas Story" the only place open for a meal was the Jap place....fa ra ra ra ra.....

We noticed Blockbuster and also The Pit sports grill was open. We went to the Pit and met some nice people, had a couple beers and watched the third quarter of the Lakers vs. Celtics. We stopped in and rented a couple of movies and headed home.

Ended the evening watching Hancock.

This is more a posting for me to jot down what happened today and soak it all in one more time before we wake up tomorrow and turn our phones back on and head back to work.

We decided to spend Christmas together by ourselves not because we don't like our families, but because we like each other more and needed to. Most Christmases I drive around all day stopping in here and there to make sure I have hit all the houses I need to so that nobody's feelings are hurt. I usually find myself feeling incredibly lonely and tired at the end of those days.

Not today.

It was the best Christmas I have had in many years and I feel satisfied that this was the best way I could have spent my first Christmas with my wife.