We live in a moment called "now"

On Friday after a long day of work my mom talked to Brittany and I over the phone and gave us these words:

"They say if I live for another year it would be a miracle."

I held close to my new wife as she cried and as I thought. I thought about a lot of things in that moment. Mostly they came back to a constant thought of "wow, this is crazy."

My mom cried and I felt her pain. She apologized a number of times, though nothing was she at fault for. She never smoked, had a few glasses of champagne, never did drugs, and always was in good physical shape...and yet here she was...apologizing.

I took the phone as Brittany cried and I listened to my mom talk about how she wanted to do so many things before this all happened. She told me how she had to walk out of a restaurant because the sight of elderly people and babies and happy families was a little too much to deal with after just hearing the doctors prediction.

There are probably many reasons that I did not cry in that moment...not one of them being that I'm a cold hearted bastard. I just didn't cry. It could be that I had expected this to happen for some time. It could be that I was in too much shock to understand the weight of it all. Maybe it was that I felt that it wasn't the right time for me to cry with my mom, but to be gentle and comforting without sounding like a slobbering baby.

If you ever want advice from me you cannot get it if you just tell me the situation in 5 minutes and it be a serious one and then ask me what you should do. 1. I don't know 2. If I say anything I want it to be somewhat intelligent and thought out so that if you take my advice to heart it doesn't lead you into a bad place.

But this time I did not need much time to think about what kind of advice to give my mom. I mean, I can't really heal her and I can't tell her how to heal herself. I had one thought as soon as she told me what the doctor said and that one thought still lingers in my mind and has been reaffirmed by others I believe. This one thought may be why I didn't cry...

"You are alive just the same as the rest of us."

Please don't get me wrong and think that I am saying that I believe that God will heal my mom and that the cancer will go away and that she will be totally fine. Because I don't believe that. Not that I don't believe that God can do that, I'm just not putting my eggs in that basket. What if I'm not supposed to pray for my mom's healing. I mean that IS what I want, but in the garden Jesus didn't get what he wanted. He confessed what it was, but his prayer ultimately was "God do whatever you want". I will easily have Jesus tell God on my behalf that I would love for my mom's cancer to go away...but it is a little easier in some way to just tell God to do His thing in the end. It greatly reduces the disappointment when I don't get my way and I think it's because I didn't pray hard enough or I didn't have enough faith.

Anyways....back to my mom and to the rest of us....we are alive. And we are all going to die. I can't escape it any more than my mom can. Just because a doctor tells my mom she will live another year if she is lucky does not guarantee that I will live another year. You see what I'm saying here? If we focus totally on the future whatever it may be...good or bad...marriage or death...then what the hell is going on right now?

The truth is that the doctor doesn't know the future any more than I do. Again not saying my mom's cancer will be healed if we all pray hard enough...I'm just saying that we live in this moment. A very very bad preacher I heard in high school once said something very very good. He said, "We live in a moment called "now"". And that is the truth. All that you and I have is to build off of the past, not to linger on it...to hope in the future, not to linger on it...and to live right now in this moment that we are a part of.

How much time do we waste wrapping our lives up in this idea that we aren't exactly where we are supposed to be and once we get there God can really use us or once we get there we will be happy or once we get there (fill in your own blank). I would say we probably are in our lives where we are for some reason and God can probably use any of us in any situation, not matter how dull or mundane or normal our lives are. All I have is now. All my mom has is now. She can choose to live now or spend her time now thinking about tomorrow. I can choose to live now or to spend my time thinking about tomorrow.

The problem with tomorrow is that it rarely comes.

Thinking

So I have been living on my own for a couple of months now. This means that when I am home I don't have to worry about 5 other people and 2 dogs. I don't have cable or even regular channel television and for the first time in a while I am able to relax and think. I am able to process life and my relation to it. And it has been so good.

I am able to sit and in the quietness allow my mind to think and not be distracted by much of anything. My mind usually thinks of three things I have noticed.

1. People

2. Music

3. Jesus

I have plenty of time after getting off work late to wind down and dwell on the beauty of the people that I am blessed to know and also I have time to think about how much I dislike certain people...but graciously God allows me to realize that there are a lot more people that I love.

I dwell on the beauty of getting married in two weeks. My appreciation has grown for Brittany as I am surrounded by the truth of love and the depth of our relationship as I sit and think. I can think of all the things wrong with me and how people can have very valid reasons that they don't like me and Brittany knows all of these things and in them loves me in a way that only Jesus can facilitate.

I think of the greatness of the friendships that I share with people who I understand are so much more valuable than the average person could see. I have this gift of being able to see things about people that I feel like Jesus sees and many miss. I think about those things in my friends and how God uses their gifts to reach into my life and show me His heart. And I am amazed and blessed to know these people and even more so be able to call them friends.

I understand the value of a family that actually loves me deeply...and I think.

Music has this way of reaching into your heart and soul like nothing else. It affects me greatly and for some reason I am allowed to have some musical ability. I listen and I watch youtube videos of performances and I smile because it soothes. I have time to write and to work on songs that come from my heart and I don't have to worry about waking up the family. I can sit and worship like I need to alone and with a free mind.

I have tried to run away from music since I fell in love with it as a child and for the first time I am allowing myself to completely embrace it and go with it and it is impacting my life in ways that are hard to describe. I dream of ways that my music can comfort others. I wonder what could happen if I continue to embrace this gift that Jesus has given me. Not that I wonder about becoming famous or being well known. I wonder could my songs impact others to where they smile or cry or worship at the end of a day...I wonder.

And in the process of all of these thoughts Jesus is continually there and He becomes more clear when I sit and just think about this thing called life. I have always said that Jesus is involved with all aspects of our life, but lately I seem to be believing it much more. I look at everything and all I can think of is how He is consistently loving me through these people and these things.

Sometimes it is so hard to let all of these thoughts wind down and go to sleep. I love thinking.

Forgetting I'd Heard It Before

After one of those nights were everything sucks and you feel emotionally drained due to the weight of everything I couldn't get this song out of my head that I am helping a friend write. It is based out of Romans 8. I have read Romans 8 many times throughout my life I am sure. I have heard the scriptures in Romans 8 probably A MILLION times. So I went and looked up the verses the song is based off of in the message translation and tried to read them as if I had never heard them before...as if this was the first time I had ever seen these words:

26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

29-30God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.

31-39So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

After I read that I cried.

Don't worry, you don't have to.

Facebook

For many a moon I determined not to fall into the facebook craze. Now I know that every man falls. I could talk about all the negatives to facebook, but we all know them deep in our hearts...so I'll reach to the positive:

FB reminds me of a blessed life that I have been able to lead. People told me I should get FB to keep up with old friends, but honestly I won't be keeping up with these people. I communicate with current friends around my area via FB. The greatest thing though is just being able to see these people's names and faces that I have not seen for years.

I'm reminded of small moments in high school where a girl named Brooke was so nice to me being the new kid in school for no other reason but that she is just nice to everybody.

I'm reminded of the summers that I was on staff for World Changers and small things like being at training and watching ludacris music videos w/ one of the tech guys. And I see one of the guys that was one of the other music leaders and now is in Iraq and his FB status is "I can't wait to get home"...I know that guy, or I did for a time. And though we haven't talked in over a year I still feel his heart and sympathize with him because I know the kind of guy he is.

Or random people I have met doing a weekend thing at some church somewhere and it reminds me of my story and how blessed I am to be able to ever do any of the stuff I have done over the last 6 years.

I'm trying to become more aware of the beauty of the moments that I live in. I once heard a very very bad preacher say something very good that stuck with me..."you only live in a moment called now".

I don't know how long I'll be able to do the things that I have the opportunity of doing right now. Making music, my friends, where I live could all change drastically in the next 6 years so I'm trying to be more encouraging and more understanding and more patient. I'm definitely failing at the patient thing right now because these spanish jehovahs witness people keep knocking on my door every week and I'm almost over it.

Thank you FB.

My Story

I grew up in in church my entire life. My mom and dad were divorced at some point while my mom was pregnant with me. Somehow they have always had a descent relationship as long as I can remember. When I was 1 year old my mom remarried and I lived with them growing up and saw my dad every other weekend. I have always had a great relationship with my dad and also my stepdad helped raise me so it was kind of like having 2 dads. My dad also remarried when I was 4 and I have two siblings w/ them that I consider to be just like real sister and brother.

When I was a sophomore in high school my mom and stepdad split up after being married for 15 years. I was always a very shy and quiet kid and kind of internalized how I dealt with everything. My mom and stepdad were always extremely involved in church and taught high school sunday school together and all of that stuff. I was kind of pissed at God because I felt like we did everything Christian we were supposed to and this still happened to us. But we all still kept going to church as if nothing was really wrong.

My mom and I lived together in an apartment for a couple of years as I ended high school. I switched to University HS middle of my junior year for a lot of reasons, but mainly for some type of change. Around my junior year I began to teach myself how to play the guitar. At our youth group worship was being led by these silly music tracks and our awkward youth pastor and I felt like I was supposed to help the situation.

All I really did was sit around and learn worship songs on the guitar and when I was 17 I started leading worship at my youth group having no real idea what I was doing. Aaron played with me then too.

I went on a mission trip called World Changers after my junior year and in the midst of still not liking Jesus very much I felt some type of call to ministry. I am still not sure exactly what that entails because I think all of us are called into ministry as Christians, but for some reason I feel like I am gifted with certain things that maybe makes it possible for me to be in leadership of some sort. And remember I was so shy and could barely talk to anybody.

I believe that God put the guitar in my hands to break out of that shell and be able to communicate with people and to be able to better love people. After my senior year of high school I was able to work in the summers for the World Changers camp as worship leader and last summer I was able to speak at a couple of the camps. I don't say that to try to impress people, but if you only knew how shy I was and how much I didn't really trust in Jesus when I felt a call to do something in ministry...it blows my mind still.

My mom remarried when I was away at the missions camp my first summer after graduating. When I came back I moved in w/ my grandma for a while. Right at the time that I had decided I was going to stop worrying about dating people because it seemed like nobody would fit my complex life and personality...I met Brittany a little over 3 years ago. I believe that Brittany is the greatest person that I have ever met and I am blessed to be able to know her so well. I would recommend that everyone get to know her because they will be tremendously blessed by someone who loves people very well and is a true friend. This past summer we both got to intern at a church up in Maryland all summer and it was beautiful. At the end of the summer on August 8th I proposed to her and we left Maryland a few days later to come back and celebrate with our family here.

On August 15th we found out that my mom had a mass in her body the size of a tennis ball. A rare type of cancer of the adrenal gland that nobody knows much about, but the statistics aren't good. Doctors here wouldn't do the surgery b/c they thought it too dangerous. On September 12th my mom had surgery in Arizona by a small group of doctors who studied the cancer. The tumor had worked its way through many of her veins and somehow by a miracle they were able to get all of the tumor out that day.

She has been on chemo since then pretty hard core. I was speaking at a church back in December and my mom found out that it looked like there was a spot on her liver and was pretty shaken up. They did an ultrasound that week and told her that it turned out to be nothing and to have a good holiday season.

Now the catscan has revealed the spot was something and it has tripled in size since Dec. There are also spots on her lungs and a couple of other places. She cannot get the treatment here but will have to choose from either TX, AZ, or SC and travel there for a week at a time to get the specific chemo treatments. The news is not good.

Her main concern is not ruining the wedding, although that obviously is the last of worries right now. Her husband is not taking it well and is so scared and I don't think he knows how to deal with it. My mom has consistently been positive through this and has shown me the face of Jesus.

I am supposed to be the strong one through all of this for my mom. I will always remember being in the doctors office when they told her she had cancer and it was very serious in a very late stage. I remember the numbness waiting in the hospital for the doctors to tell us if they were able to get all of the tumor. I remember my mom hugging me and crying telling me how scared she is. I know what its like to lead in worship and barely be able to get out the words, "And right now in the good times and bad you are on your throne...you are God alone."

I write this more for myself than anything. I write this so that others can get maybe a more honest glimpse into my life. I don't write this for anyone to feel sorry for me, but rather asking you to pray for my mom. She is a sweet lady and through all of this has shown her co-workers, her friends, strangers, and her family a glimpse of the heart and love of Jesus.

Writing helps me deal with things. If you are reading this please understand with as much sincerity as I can offer, I'm just trying to be real and honest. I don't ever want people to think anything better of me because God has allowed me to stand in front of people and lead worship or teach what the bible says.

Psalms 119:129 "Your testimonies are wonderful; Therefore my soul keeps them."

I look back and at the moments when I am barely able to hold on...His grip has never weakened.

First Reset

Just to let everybody know in case they were interested:

1. The people I play music with @ Reset are absolutely incredible.

2. On Wednesday I am moving into the apartment that my future wife and I will be living in.

3. I have grown to hate animals in the house...which is surprising to myself because I grew up with a dog that I loved.

4. Now that I have slept on a feather pillow the last couple of years everything else hurts my neck

Reset

Reset will be starting @ FBC Orlando Feb. 24th.

If you want more info just look up www.resetorlando.com

Hope to see you there.