He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of the sudden I am unaware
Of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great your affections are for me
Oh how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How he loves so
So He is our portion and we are His bride
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about
The way...
He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Honesty
Something happened tonight that has not happened in a long time...
A few posts ago I wrote about how I was taking a break from church to focus on my relationship with God. A relationship that I believed to be severely overshadowed by my relationship to church (and the money I made for it).
I thought that in my post I was being very clear that my intent was not malicious in any way towards anything or anyone, but rather an honest and in depth look inside of myself. I am a genuinely quiet person about serious things and sometimes this blog is a way for me to try and express myself how I could not or would not want to vocally. So that post was me doing my best to be honest and real and help you understand where I am coming from.
Of course I knew that some people would not understand, not because of anything wrong with them, but rather because I am wired very differently than some and I know that no matter how I portray my own heart that there will be those that will not get it.
I want to thank you if you posted anything as a response to that post. Other people who did not respond in writing had some very demeaning and negative things to say about what I wrote in that post. People that I consider friends. And that hurt. It hurts more that those people still have not said one word about it to me, whether it be concern or discouraging. They decided to make remarks to my wife when I wasn't there.
My advice to anyone who reads this. If somebody opens themselves up and becomes vulnerable in any fashion, make sure that your priority is to let them know that it is ok to be honest. More than trying to give them advice or more than trying to let them know why they shouldn't think or say things. Just listen (or read) and whatever your response is.... let it be humble.
All of that out of the way... I told Brittany the other day that I believe that God is working in my heart. I think that is a very cliche and cheesy way of saying it, but I don't care about trying to make it sound cool or modern because those of you reading know what I mean. A bunch of small things that I don't need to go into detail of have helped me see that God is in the process of softening my heart. My heart has been very hard and calloused for such a long time and I have grown so cynical.
If we believe that we have a relationship with God then I believe that I am in the process of restoring that relationship. I know that technically that might not be theologically correct to the tee, but I hope you understand what I am saying.
In light of these things, something happened tonight that has not happened in a long time...
I cried.
I cried for my sins.
I cried for my mom.
I cried because I miss Jesus.
And I cried because I am not sure of what to think of God these days.
This is now me being honest. If you respond to this blog please don't comment or try to give any advice on what I am about to say. I believe that this is kind of like a journal and the only reason I write down honest struggles for others to see is that I believe it is healthy for everyone.
My mother has been extremely sick lately. She has not been able to go back to work. She is continuously throwing up, almost to the point of having to go to the hospital because she didn't know what else to do. The pain near her liver, where tumors are, is so intense that she can barely sleep at night. I know it is very bad because my mother is not a big complainer and can take pain pretty well.
I wish that I could just say that I'm trusting in God because Rom. 8:28 says all things work together for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purposes. But I cannot. I don't believe that specific verse is garbage, but I do believe it is garbage when somebody quotes that to make somebody like me try to feel better. "You just have to trust Him..." If your mom,dad,spouse,friend, child gets cancer and is in the state my mom is in and somebody throws that verse out expecting it to save the day you will find that you want to punch that person in their face. Believe me, I completely understand that people have the best intentions.
I can clearly recall just a short time ago, before my mom started this journey, that I was on the other end listening to a close friend who's dad had pancreatic cancer and was about to go under for surgery that could end his life. I had no idea of what they were going through, but in the back of my mind I tried to convince myself that I could understand. I told that person the only thing I knew to say was that I believed that God was big enough to handle their anger, hurt, frustration, pain, questions. I think that many Christians are not able to handle those things, thus people commenting to Brittany about my blog and how I shouldn't have said those things.
So here I am. I am angry with God. There are moments when I wonder if there is a God to be angry at. My mom is a pretty decent human being compared to most people that I know. I don't believe that people deserve cancer, but I know a lot of people that have lived a long time and who have treated their bodies far worse than my mom who are living with no cancer. I know angry and mean people who are living with no cancer.
And then anger turns to hurt and sadness. I know that God's ways are "above mine" and all of that kind of stuff, but this is my mom. It hits home in a very real way this time. I know that God doesn't "owe" me anything, but surely the divorce when I was 16 was enough. That took quite a while to get through. But this seems absurd. I know that it sounds so childish, but I cannot help but wonder why. The bigger picture that I cannot see will never be worth it to me. I know that Job got a lot more stuff after all of his original stuff was finished off, but I don't think Job would have ever said it was worth it. I think he was grateful and felt he owed everything to God, but to loose all of your children? Having more doesn't take away the loss.
This has been a very long post and it probably could have been much more well thought out. But I needed to write down exactly what I was thinking without holding back or editing.
I am in the process of restoring my relationship with God. It is a strange and unique time. I don't know where it is going to lead. That scares me a little.
I do feel that somehow God is holding all of this together. I do feel that He loves me.
I am just hurt and saddened by God...
But I do miss Him...
A few posts ago I wrote about how I was taking a break from church to focus on my relationship with God. A relationship that I believed to be severely overshadowed by my relationship to church (and the money I made for it).
I thought that in my post I was being very clear that my intent was not malicious in any way towards anything or anyone, but rather an honest and in depth look inside of myself. I am a genuinely quiet person about serious things and sometimes this blog is a way for me to try and express myself how I could not or would not want to vocally. So that post was me doing my best to be honest and real and help you understand where I am coming from.
Of course I knew that some people would not understand, not because of anything wrong with them, but rather because I am wired very differently than some and I know that no matter how I portray my own heart that there will be those that will not get it.
I want to thank you if you posted anything as a response to that post. Other people who did not respond in writing had some very demeaning and negative things to say about what I wrote in that post. People that I consider friends. And that hurt. It hurts more that those people still have not said one word about it to me, whether it be concern or discouraging. They decided to make remarks to my wife when I wasn't there.
My advice to anyone who reads this. If somebody opens themselves up and becomes vulnerable in any fashion, make sure that your priority is to let them know that it is ok to be honest. More than trying to give them advice or more than trying to let them know why they shouldn't think or say things. Just listen (or read) and whatever your response is.... let it be humble.
All of that out of the way... I told Brittany the other day that I believe that God is working in my heart. I think that is a very cliche and cheesy way of saying it, but I don't care about trying to make it sound cool or modern because those of you reading know what I mean. A bunch of small things that I don't need to go into detail of have helped me see that God is in the process of softening my heart. My heart has been very hard and calloused for such a long time and I have grown so cynical.
If we believe that we have a relationship with God then I believe that I am in the process of restoring that relationship. I know that technically that might not be theologically correct to the tee, but I hope you understand what I am saying.
In light of these things, something happened tonight that has not happened in a long time...
I cried.
I cried for my sins.
I cried for my mom.
I cried because I miss Jesus.
And I cried because I am not sure of what to think of God these days.
This is now me being honest. If you respond to this blog please don't comment or try to give any advice on what I am about to say. I believe that this is kind of like a journal and the only reason I write down honest struggles for others to see is that I believe it is healthy for everyone.
My mother has been extremely sick lately. She has not been able to go back to work. She is continuously throwing up, almost to the point of having to go to the hospital because she didn't know what else to do. The pain near her liver, where tumors are, is so intense that she can barely sleep at night. I know it is very bad because my mother is not a big complainer and can take pain pretty well.
I wish that I could just say that I'm trusting in God because Rom. 8:28 says all things work together for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purposes. But I cannot. I don't believe that specific verse is garbage, but I do believe it is garbage when somebody quotes that to make somebody like me try to feel better. "You just have to trust Him..." If your mom,dad,spouse,friend, child gets cancer and is in the state my mom is in and somebody throws that verse out expecting it to save the day you will find that you want to punch that person in their face. Believe me, I completely understand that people have the best intentions.
I can clearly recall just a short time ago, before my mom started this journey, that I was on the other end listening to a close friend who's dad had pancreatic cancer and was about to go under for surgery that could end his life. I had no idea of what they were going through, but in the back of my mind I tried to convince myself that I could understand. I told that person the only thing I knew to say was that I believed that God was big enough to handle their anger, hurt, frustration, pain, questions. I think that many Christians are not able to handle those things, thus people commenting to Brittany about my blog and how I shouldn't have said those things.
So here I am. I am angry with God. There are moments when I wonder if there is a God to be angry at. My mom is a pretty decent human being compared to most people that I know. I don't believe that people deserve cancer, but I know a lot of people that have lived a long time and who have treated their bodies far worse than my mom who are living with no cancer. I know angry and mean people who are living with no cancer.
And then anger turns to hurt and sadness. I know that God's ways are "above mine" and all of that kind of stuff, but this is my mom. It hits home in a very real way this time. I know that God doesn't "owe" me anything, but surely the divorce when I was 16 was enough. That took quite a while to get through. But this seems absurd. I know that it sounds so childish, but I cannot help but wonder why. The bigger picture that I cannot see will never be worth it to me. I know that Job got a lot more stuff after all of his original stuff was finished off, but I don't think Job would have ever said it was worth it. I think he was grateful and felt he owed everything to God, but to loose all of your children? Having more doesn't take away the loss.
This has been a very long post and it probably could have been much more well thought out. But I needed to write down exactly what I was thinking without holding back or editing.
I am in the process of restoring my relationship with God. It is a strange and unique time. I don't know where it is going to lead. That scares me a little.
I do feel that somehow God is holding all of this together. I do feel that He loves me.
I am just hurt and saddened by God...
But I do miss Him...
Sunday, January 4, 2009
New Year
My heart beats like a drum, flying up with the sun
I grab Your hand again
Renovated with life, my eyes again bright
And You are radiant
Where hope can hold my hand of sorrow
And we can walk into tomorrow
Where peace is found in troubled days
And the joy of Jesus carries pain
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine, lift up your eyes
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine and point the way to God's great life
I'm held in a place, a beautiful space
Where heaven meets the earth
My heart opens wide and the Father pours life
Deep inside my soul
Where hope can hold my hand of sorrow
And we can walk into tomorrow
Where peace is found in troubled days
And the joy of Jesus carries pain
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine, lift up your eyes
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine and point the way to God's great life
Where hope can hold my hand of sorrow
We can walk into tomorrow
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine, lift up your eyes
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine and point the way to God's great life
This a new year, this is a new day
Rise, rise, rise and shine
This is a new year, this is a new year
-Charlie Hall
I grab Your hand again
Renovated with life, my eyes again bright
And You are radiant
Where hope can hold my hand of sorrow
And we can walk into tomorrow
Where peace is found in troubled days
And the joy of Jesus carries pain
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine, lift up your eyes
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine and point the way to God's great life
I'm held in a place, a beautiful space
Where heaven meets the earth
My heart opens wide and the Father pours life
Deep inside my soul
Where hope can hold my hand of sorrow
And we can walk into tomorrow
Where peace is found in troubled days
And the joy of Jesus carries pain
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine, lift up your eyes
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine and point the way to God's great life
Where hope can hold my hand of sorrow
We can walk into tomorrow
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine, lift up your eyes
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine and point the way to God's great life
This a new year, this is a new day
Rise, rise, rise and shine
This is a new year, this is a new year
-Charlie Hall
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Our First Christmas
Today is the day after Christmas and it also marks exactly 8 months since Brittany and I were married.
I have a theory that time goes by faster as you get older because: When you are 5 years old 1 year is 20% of your life. When you are 25 years old 1 year is only 4% of your life. And the older you get 1 year is much less of your life than it was when you started.
Anyways, Brittany and I have been working at the Hyatt Regency Hotel for over a year now. Between school schedules and also me working at churches we rarely have had days off together since our honeymoon in April. I mean, literally we have probably had about 9 days off together since then and that is only at the Hyatt. Usually if I get a Thursday off she is at school for half the day and then studying in the evening. You see what I am getting at. We don't have normal weekends. We aren't guaranteed a day to relax together every week. Our time is precious.
Not long after becoming husband and wife we understood that certain boundaries would have to be made in relation to the time spent with our families on holidays and all that jazz. For instance we worked on Thanksgiving and were expecting to possibly have to work on Christmas day. But we did tell our immediate family members that on Christmas day we would not be seeing them and in fact our phones would be turned off.
Please understand that we have and still are spending the rest of this week making sure that everyone gets quality time spent with us to celebrate Christmas. And by celebrating I don't mean exchanging gifts, but just being together for even just an hour or so.
So this Christmas we slept in until around 10am. It felt great. No alarms. No people. Just each other. We woke up and went straight to the 4 foot Christmas tree and exchanged presents. We each got three for each other. We did quite well with the gifts I might add.
We made cinnamon rolls w/ icing for breakfast and we went back to bed and watched It's A Wonderful Life.
After that we got cleaned up and went to the movies to use some gift cards that we had received. After some discussion on what we should see we easily agreed on "Yes Man" with Jim Carrey. The movie theater is PACKED on Christmas day! The movie was pretty good and free.
When we left there we were hungry, but realized that nothing American would be open. So we headed towards Xing Xing, the sushi/japanese/chinese/ place a block away from our apt. I knew it would be open due to the fact that at the end of "A Christmas Story" the only place open for a meal was the Jap place....fa ra ra ra ra.....
We noticed Blockbuster and also The Pit sports grill was open. We went to the Pit and met some nice people, had a couple beers and watched the third quarter of the Lakers vs. Celtics. We stopped in and rented a couple of movies and headed home.
Ended the evening watching Hancock.
This is more a posting for me to jot down what happened today and soak it all in one more time before we wake up tomorrow and turn our phones back on and head back to work.
We decided to spend Christmas together by ourselves not because we don't like our families, but because we like each other more and needed to. Most Christmases I drive around all day stopping in here and there to make sure I have hit all the houses I need to so that nobody's feelings are hurt. I usually find myself feeling incredibly lonely and tired at the end of those days.
Not today.
It was the best Christmas I have had in many years and I feel satisfied that this was the best way I could have spent my first Christmas with my wife.
I have a theory that time goes by faster as you get older because: When you are 5 years old 1 year is 20% of your life. When you are 25 years old 1 year is only 4% of your life. And the older you get 1 year is much less of your life than it was when you started.
Anyways, Brittany and I have been working at the Hyatt Regency Hotel for over a year now. Between school schedules and also me working at churches we rarely have had days off together since our honeymoon in April. I mean, literally we have probably had about 9 days off together since then and that is only at the Hyatt. Usually if I get a Thursday off she is at school for half the day and then studying in the evening. You see what I am getting at. We don't have normal weekends. We aren't guaranteed a day to relax together every week. Our time is precious.
Not long after becoming husband and wife we understood that certain boundaries would have to be made in relation to the time spent with our families on holidays and all that jazz. For instance we worked on Thanksgiving and were expecting to possibly have to work on Christmas day. But we did tell our immediate family members that on Christmas day we would not be seeing them and in fact our phones would be turned off.
Please understand that we have and still are spending the rest of this week making sure that everyone gets quality time spent with us to celebrate Christmas. And by celebrating I don't mean exchanging gifts, but just being together for even just an hour or so.
So this Christmas we slept in until around 10am. It felt great. No alarms. No people. Just each other. We woke up and went straight to the 4 foot Christmas tree and exchanged presents. We each got three for each other. We did quite well with the gifts I might add.
We made cinnamon rolls w/ icing for breakfast and we went back to bed and watched It's A Wonderful Life.
After that we got cleaned up and went to the movies to use some gift cards that we had received. After some discussion on what we should see we easily agreed on "Yes Man" with Jim Carrey. The movie theater is PACKED on Christmas day! The movie was pretty good and free.
When we left there we were hungry, but realized that nothing American would be open. So we headed towards Xing Xing, the sushi/japanese/chinese/ place a block away from our apt. I knew it would be open due to the fact that at the end of "A Christmas Story" the only place open for a meal was the Jap place....fa ra ra ra ra.....
We noticed Blockbuster and also The Pit sports grill was open. We went to the Pit and met some nice people, had a couple beers and watched the third quarter of the Lakers vs. Celtics. We stopped in and rented a couple of movies and headed home.
Ended the evening watching Hancock.
This is more a posting for me to jot down what happened today and soak it all in one more time before we wake up tomorrow and turn our phones back on and head back to work.
We decided to spend Christmas together by ourselves not because we don't like our families, but because we like each other more and needed to. Most Christmases I drive around all day stopping in here and there to make sure I have hit all the houses I need to so that nobody's feelings are hurt. I usually find myself feeling incredibly lonely and tired at the end of those days.
Not today.
It was the best Christmas I have had in many years and I feel satisfied that this was the best way I could have spent my first Christmas with my wife.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Things I Miss
The other day at work I was having a conversation with a friend about how there are certain things that we miss. Feelings that we will never have memories of, but that we will never experience again. Not that other situations or experiences are not as good as the previous, but there are just certain things that you miss. Maybe you can name a few. Here are some of mine.
Christmas morning as a child. Walking down the stairs in the morning to what seemed like an overwhelming amount of presents around the Christmas tree for everyone. There is nothing that will ever be like that. I suppose that one day having a child and seeing that look of amazement in their eyes will be as close to that as I will ever get again.
Playing sports for school. There is nothing like trying out for a basketball team with 80 guys trying out and being one of 11 making the team. There is nothing like the bond of 11 guys who work together and who would never all choose to hang out together, but are now like family. Wins, losses, practice, and parties with those guys for a few months every year taught me lessons that nothing else could have done quite the same.
Racing the bus driver. In middle school those of us at our bus stop would walk to the previous bus stop and wait for the bus to get there. Once it put the red flashing lights on we would take off and sprint back to our bus stop hoping to make it before the bus did. I think back and realize the driver probably would have never left us and probably thought we were stupid kids for doing this. It was only a block away between stops, but the adrenaline rush it was just about every morning for 3 years was incredible. Nothing can ever match that.
Anyways, there are moments in life that are significant, semi-important, or very ridiculous that happen and we will never experience anything like them again. I am pretty happy with the memories that I am making these days, it is just entertaining to look back and think about things that were a big part of my life that are totally unique in their own way.
Christmas morning as a child. Walking down the stairs in the morning to what seemed like an overwhelming amount of presents around the Christmas tree for everyone. There is nothing that will ever be like that. I suppose that one day having a child and seeing that look of amazement in their eyes will be as close to that as I will ever get again.
Playing sports for school. There is nothing like trying out for a basketball team with 80 guys trying out and being one of 11 making the team. There is nothing like the bond of 11 guys who work together and who would never all choose to hang out together, but are now like family. Wins, losses, practice, and parties with those guys for a few months every year taught me lessons that nothing else could have done quite the same.
Racing the bus driver. In middle school those of us at our bus stop would walk to the previous bus stop and wait for the bus to get there. Once it put the red flashing lights on we would take off and sprint back to our bus stop hoping to make it before the bus did. I think back and realize the driver probably would have never left us and probably thought we were stupid kids for doing this. It was only a block away between stops, but the adrenaline rush it was just about every morning for 3 years was incredible. Nothing can ever match that.
Anyways, there are moments in life that are significant, semi-important, or very ridiculous that happen and we will never experience anything like them again. I am pretty happy with the memories that I am making these days, it is just entertaining to look back and think about things that were a big part of my life that are totally unique in their own way.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Break Time
I have decided to take a break from God.
Ok, not really, but I was taught you needed an opening line that would spark interest and draw the reader in to continue to read.
You might not want to read, but if you have gotten this far you probably will and therefore I must continue this post. *having nothing to do with this i am currently watching Survivor Man and he is in 44 degree weather in the dark and starving. He just said, "I didn't sign up for this." But I think he did.*
Anyways, back to my original sentence. I am taking a break from church for a while. Please don't get me wrong.... this is NOT a "The church is so messed up and has ruined my brain and I hate it" kind of thing. This also is NOT "People at church piss me off and judge me and I am sick of it" sort of post either.
This IS what this is:
I have been attending church since I was a fetus. I can't remember that far back, but I am taking my mom's word for it. She probably has lied about things here and there in the past, but I have no reason to believe that she is not telling me the truth in this instance. Not only have I been going to church that long I have other accomplishments on my list:
I also went to Sunday School from the time I was a child until my first year in college.
I know more than one verse of A LOT of hymns.
When I was in the 3rd grade I knew all of the books of the bible in order and I got a pin for it.
In the 6th grade I was at a conference with the youth group and I lifted my hands for the first time in a worship service. It was tough, but I loved Jesus.
In the 8th grade I was allowed to be on a drama team at church when I really wasn't supposed to be on it until the 9th grade. We got to do a drama skit in front of 3,000+ people at the conference I mentioned previously one year.
Before I get to high school I would like to mention that I read the entire book of Revelation in the 6th grade and wrote my first sermon shortly thereafter.
In high school once I year I took a stand for Jesus and attended See You At The Pole and prayed for the "lost" students at my school and thanked God that He had kept me from the things that they wrapped their lives around.
I played basketball ball for school during high school and my nickname was "The Reverend" because I would lead the prayer before the games.
Also during basketball season one year I severely injured my foot, but before going to the doctor the next morning I walked around on it all evening to attend my FAITH group and witness. It turned out that I had a badly sprained heel (who knew you could do that), 2 torn ligaments in my foot, and a chipped bone also. It hurt, but I loved Jesus.
It was in high school that I learned how to play the guitar because I saw a need in my youth group and thought I could help a situation. I began to lead worship at the age of 17 still a shy kid who could barely speak to people he did not know.
3 days after I graduated high school I left to dedicate my summer to leading worship to thousands of teenagers all over the USA for summer missions camps. Technically, I should not have gotten that job until I had finished one year of college, but my youth pastor pulled some strings and the people saw a kid with great potential and a humble heart. I did that job for 4 summers.
Because of those camps I got gigs playing at church youth events on weekends and eventually also got some speaking opportunities. I have preached at contemporary and EXTREMELY traditional churches on Sunday mornings.
I mentioned I went to Sunday School through the first year of college. You might think that I decided to rebel after that, but not true... I was leading worship for a church when I was 19 and couldn't attend the Sunday School classes.
Most recently I worked for a church that runs around 12,000 and was asked by the head pastor to help with their contemporary service on Sunday mornings.
I also registered as a Republican because that's the only party that God had favor on.
..............................ok
I hope you haven't thrown up yet. I did about halfway through and came back to finish the rest. These are the reasons that I must take a break from church. My life has been consumed in this world that has kept me from the reality in which everyone else has lived. I have "taken stands" and "been set apart" so many times that I have never really known what it is like to relate to the people that I work with or the people that I randomly have a conversation with at the gas station or wherever.
I felt "called to the ministry" in high school, but I never knew what that meant because I wondered aren't we all called to ministry? Do we not all have a duty to love people and interact with them in the same ways that Jesus did? What I have never thought that "ministry" was supposed to be was for me to be so wrapped up in the church lifestyle as we know it that I have no idea how to have normal, honest, and important conversations with people that aren't familiar with church vocabulary.
I do still feel that my call to ministry is a tad different however, I just haven't figured out exactly what it means.
First Orlando had to make a bunch of budget cut backs due to the economic crisis in our country. A good friend of mine who's wedding I was recently in just lost his full time job at the church. Services that I was involved in were all canceled and so here I am.
Please understand that I am not bitter at any church or any pastor or anyone. But for the reasons I mentioned earlier that made myself sick, I must take a break. Like I said, I have been going since I was in the womb. Please don't pray for my spiritual state (well you can, but just don't think I'm taking a break from church because I don't like Jesus as much). I am not taking a break from God, don't get it wrong. I am not taking a break from tithing. I am not taking a break from seeking Jesus in the things that happen around me every day.
I am taking a break from church so that when I return I will want to attend and not be obligated to do so. I want to go to church not because I will get paid for doing music. I want church to be something that I look forward to and not something that on Saturday night I say, "I wish tomorrow wasn't Sunday." I want to go to church and want to invest in the ministry for real.
I want to go to church and not judge everyone around me. I want to go to church and not think that I am better than most of the people there.
Forgive the long post. If you have made it this far I hope that this had made a bit of sense and you understand my heart. I listed those "accomplishments" not to mock them, but to show you how much of my life has been wrapped up in this church world and so that you can say, "yeah....he deserves some time off."
I still love Jesus.
I still love the church.
I just need to focus more on one than the other.
Ok, not really, but I was taught you needed an opening line that would spark interest and draw the reader in to continue to read.
You might not want to read, but if you have gotten this far you probably will and therefore I must continue this post. *having nothing to do with this i am currently watching Survivor Man and he is in 44 degree weather in the dark and starving. He just said, "I didn't sign up for this." But I think he did.*
Anyways, back to my original sentence. I am taking a break from church for a while. Please don't get me wrong.... this is NOT a "The church is so messed up and has ruined my brain and I hate it" kind of thing. This also is NOT "People at church piss me off and judge me and I am sick of it" sort of post either.
This IS what this is:
I have been attending church since I was a fetus. I can't remember that far back, but I am taking my mom's word for it. She probably has lied about things here and there in the past, but I have no reason to believe that she is not telling me the truth in this instance. Not only have I been going to church that long I have other accomplishments on my list:
I also went to Sunday School from the time I was a child until my first year in college.
I know more than one verse of A LOT of hymns.
When I was in the 3rd grade I knew all of the books of the bible in order and I got a pin for it.
In the 6th grade I was at a conference with the youth group and I lifted my hands for the first time in a worship service. It was tough, but I loved Jesus.
In the 8th grade I was allowed to be on a drama team at church when I really wasn't supposed to be on it until the 9th grade. We got to do a drama skit in front of 3,000+ people at the conference I mentioned previously one year.
Before I get to high school I would like to mention that I read the entire book of Revelation in the 6th grade and wrote my first sermon shortly thereafter.
In high school once I year I took a stand for Jesus and attended See You At The Pole and prayed for the "lost" students at my school and thanked God that He had kept me from the things that they wrapped their lives around.
I played basketball ball for school during high school and my nickname was "The Reverend" because I would lead the prayer before the games.
Also during basketball season one year I severely injured my foot, but before going to the doctor the next morning I walked around on it all evening to attend my FAITH group and witness. It turned out that I had a badly sprained heel (who knew you could do that), 2 torn ligaments in my foot, and a chipped bone also. It hurt, but I loved Jesus.
It was in high school that I learned how to play the guitar because I saw a need in my youth group and thought I could help a situation. I began to lead worship at the age of 17 still a shy kid who could barely speak to people he did not know.
3 days after I graduated high school I left to dedicate my summer to leading worship to thousands of teenagers all over the USA for summer missions camps. Technically, I should not have gotten that job until I had finished one year of college, but my youth pastor pulled some strings and the people saw a kid with great potential and a humble heart. I did that job for 4 summers.
Because of those camps I got gigs playing at church youth events on weekends and eventually also got some speaking opportunities. I have preached at contemporary and EXTREMELY traditional churches on Sunday mornings.
I mentioned I went to Sunday School through the first year of college. You might think that I decided to rebel after that, but not true... I was leading worship for a church when I was 19 and couldn't attend the Sunday School classes.
Most recently I worked for a church that runs around 12,000 and was asked by the head pastor to help with their contemporary service on Sunday mornings.
I also registered as a Republican because that's the only party that God had favor on.
..............................ok
I hope you haven't thrown up yet. I did about halfway through and came back to finish the rest. These are the reasons that I must take a break from church. My life has been consumed in this world that has kept me from the reality in which everyone else has lived. I have "taken stands" and "been set apart" so many times that I have never really known what it is like to relate to the people that I work with or the people that I randomly have a conversation with at the gas station or wherever.
I felt "called to the ministry" in high school, but I never knew what that meant because I wondered aren't we all called to ministry? Do we not all have a duty to love people and interact with them in the same ways that Jesus did? What I have never thought that "ministry" was supposed to be was for me to be so wrapped up in the church lifestyle as we know it that I have no idea how to have normal, honest, and important conversations with people that aren't familiar with church vocabulary.
I do still feel that my call to ministry is a tad different however, I just haven't figured out exactly what it means.
First Orlando had to make a bunch of budget cut backs due to the economic crisis in our country. A good friend of mine who's wedding I was recently in just lost his full time job at the church. Services that I was involved in were all canceled and so here I am.
Please understand that I am not bitter at any church or any pastor or anyone. But for the reasons I mentioned earlier that made myself sick, I must take a break. Like I said, I have been going since I was in the womb. Please don't pray for my spiritual state (well you can, but just don't think I'm taking a break from church because I don't like Jesus as much). I am not taking a break from God, don't get it wrong. I am not taking a break from tithing. I am not taking a break from seeking Jesus in the things that happen around me every day.
I am taking a break from church so that when I return I will want to attend and not be obligated to do so. I want to go to church not because I will get paid for doing music. I want church to be something that I look forward to and not something that on Saturday night I say, "I wish tomorrow wasn't Sunday." I want to go to church and want to invest in the ministry for real.
I want to go to church and not judge everyone around me. I want to go to church and not think that I am better than most of the people there.
Forgive the long post. If you have made it this far I hope that this had made a bit of sense and you understand my heart. I listed those "accomplishments" not to mock them, but to show you how much of my life has been wrapped up in this church world and so that you can say, "yeah....he deserves some time off."
I still love Jesus.
I still love the church.
I just need to focus more on one than the other.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Football Update
I would love to see Texas Tech play Florida in the national championship game.
Points on Football after this week:
1. UCF has the worst offense still in the entire country.
2. There really is nobody that can stop UF right now. They are ridiculous and will easily throw up 40+ points on Alabama in the SEC title game.
3. Texas Tech I don't think can beat Oklahoma... but I didn't think they could beat Texas either.
4. FSU... nobody cares.
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