Understanding That I Don't Know It All

Link To My New Blog

2010-01-05T22:28:00.000-08:00

Click on the title to head to the new blog!

Final Blog

2009-12-29T22:27:00.000-08:00

As I sit and think about taking down the Christmas decorations the old song from Counting Crows keeps running through my mind.

"A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last..."

I'm not sure what everybody else thinks about when the end of the year rolls around, but I have a feeling that at some point most people take a few minutes or so to reflect on the year and the desires they have for the year to come.

This will be my final blog on this website. Although there have been a variety of topics in my blog, the main underlying theme in my heart every time I signed on was what was going on with my mom and how it was affecting me. This is why I haven't been able to write much since my mom died in May.

The story is over for you. And I get that. Things happen to people and our friends have something tragic happen in their lives and after the finality of the situation (i.e. death) we move on and rarely think about it because it isn't "our" situation. It has been over 7 months since my mom died.

Unfortunately for me I have a fantastic memory. It is a great thing sometimes, but not always. I can remember silly small things and conversations from when I was in the third grade. So something as heavy as losing my mom only 7 months ago...every day I think about our final days together....our final conversations...her sick cancer making her look like someone I never knew.

In June it would have been her 50th birthday.

In July it was my "spiritual birthday" and she was the only one who knew and every year would send me an email about it. No email this year.

In September I turned 26 and it was the first time I did not get a phone call of my mom singing happy birthday to me. How silly that call sounded every year until it didn't come.

Thanksgiving came around in November and that was always the holiday that was spent with my mom. There was no need to go to her house this year.

Christmas in December. I was at the grocery store getting decorations for Christmas cookies. Last year my mom wrote down for us her homemade recipe of Christmas cookies. As I fumbled through the green and red colored sugar I felt an incredible wave of sadness and emptiness hit and I looked both ways to make sure nobody was in the same aisle and I cried very hard for about 10 seconds before trying to wipe my eyes and make it to the checkout counter. Again, no need to go to my mom's house. No need to call her on Christmas. No seeing her at the Christmas Eve service at church.

For me 2009 was month after month, day after day, of subtle and not-so-subtle reminders that for as long as I live I will never again see/talk to/communicate in any way with my mom.

There have been some bright moments, but as I reflect on this year and look back my heart is broken once again.

I am broken once again.

This is from Deuteronomy 4:

^29-31 "But even there, if you seek God, your God, you'll be able to find him if you're serious, looking for him with your whole heart and soul. When troubles come and all these awful things happen to you, in future days you will come back to God, your God, and listen obediently to what he says. God, your God, is above all a compassionate God. In the end he will not abandon you, he won't bring you to ruin, he won't forget the covenant with your ancestors which he swore to them."

You should read the entire chapter. Other versions start out the first sentence "But from there you will seek..."

"From there" refers to some pretty bad things. Much worse than anything I have gone through. But from where I have been, I am ready to seek God.

Last December I posted a blog about how I was taking a break from God. Now I am ready look for him with my heart and soul. I am very serious about it too.

This is the transition into my new blog. The reason that I must retire this one is because of the reasons that I have mentioned. Every time I sign on I am reminded that this was started to help me cope with my mother having cancer.

My new blog will be written by myself and my best friend. It will chronicle our daily search for God. I believe that the whole earth is filled with the glory of God and I believe that I do a pretty awful job of allowing my heart to be open to that. In some ways this year has made me very tender towards God. In other ways, this year has calloused my heart towards him. I don't really know how to articulate that.

We will not be writing a daily devotional. I would hate that. I am not going to try to be inspiring every day because that is not my goal. My goal is that my eyes and my ears and my entire soul be opened up to the character of God through every day occurrences. God isn't confined to bible passages and devotional books and sermons. I want to seek after his heart in everything that I know. If you want to read along you are welcome to. I will post the link to the new site in a few days.

Until then.

There's reason to believe...

26

2009-09-29T15:54:00.000-07:00

I turned 26 years old on the 26th of September.

Here are 26 memories I have of my life that I will never forget.

In no particular order:

1. I remember Jan 1, 1988 thinking how fast 1987 had gone by.

2. When I was 3 years old I hated a kid named Aaron that I met at church. He was the best man at my wedding.

3. I remember my dad being bigger than me. I miss that sometimes.

4. Cheating on eye exams knowing that I was incredibly blind. I had the board memorized. Until one day the "E" was a "D" and I could barely see it. I got glasses that week in the 7th grade.

5. Tearing up when Elliott Yamin was eliminated from American Idol. That was the best season ever.

6. I remember the one time that I was cut from trying out for a sports team. It was a summer league. I was so pissed.

7. The doors opening at the chapel and seeing Brittany in her wedding dress. I still can't describe what that felt like.

8. The first Gator game I remember going to. My dad took me and my neighbor Sean to see UF play South Carolina. We ate fried chicken and threw the football and my dad drank Budweiser. I dropped a pass from my friend and a SC fan said, "that's whats gonna happen today!" The Gators won by over 30 points.

9. Riding bikes to elementary school with my cousin Casey. One day on the way home I cut her off/she tried to run me over. My back tire rubbed her front one and she fell and scarred her elbow forever. I felt terrible/awesome at the same time.

10. My first cell phone. It was a sony ericsson and I believe I had around 100 minutes or so. It was for emergencies only and for my mom being able to contact me at all times I wasn't at home.

11. My first "B". I made straight A's until the 6th grade computer class when Mrs. Butts gave me a B. Now I am awesome at computer stuff and she is probably dead.

12. Having braces. Twice.

13. When my mom and stepdad told me they were getting a divorce after 15 years of being married.

14. I remember being in a church service where the music was absolutely terrible and the guy that preached was so boring, but I still felt that God was somehow trying to tell me something very important. That made me rethink a lot of things.

15. I remember standing behind the pulpit at a very conservative church because my button on my pants broke. I spoke for about 15 minutes wondering how I was going to be able to get out of there after I was done before anybody could see my undies.

16. The first R rated movie my parents let me rent was "The Fan". It had Robert Deniro and Wesley Snipes. It was about baseball and so I thought it couldn't be too bad. To this day it was one of the most vulgar movies I have ever seen.

17. Singing a song at my mom's funeral with her casket just feet in front of me. She had requested me to sing the specific song just a couple weeks earlier.

18. My dad working as a waiter at Charley's Steakhouse till 2am and then delivering Auto Trader's just a few hours later in the early morning to provide for our family. He did that for almost 2 years after 9/11 had ruined his business.

19. Sitting on our balcony on the honeymoon cruise drinking champagne with my new wife. Wondering how I got this lucky.

20. Getting my first and only referral in middle school from my bus driver Mr. Ramos. He said Aaron and me had thrown soda cans on the bus and trashed it. Our principal, who we were friends with, threw the referrals in the trash can.

21. Getting a nintendo entertainment system for a birthday having no idea that video games would be such a huge part of my life

22. Having my first drink.

23. Getting a Taylor 310ce acoustic guitar from my mom for a graduation present after my senior year of high school.

24. When getting great white shark in Shark Bites was my main concern in the day.

25. My first car was a '95 Eclipse with a turbo engine. Somehow I never got a speeding ticket in that, but when I gtot a 2000 silver Neon the cops loved to pull me over.

26. Being bigger than everyone my age in the 6th grade.

Kanye vs. Joe

2009-09-15T08:57:00.000-07:00

I don't think that I need to rehash the events of Kanye West (rapper) and Joe Wilson (congressman) from the last week.

I can't tell you what you "should" have felt towards both people, but I can give you a taste of what I felt.

Kanye is a man consumed with himself and this isn't the first time that this has happened. Kanye has a platform to write whatever he wants in his music to express whatever he feels about anything. Yet he still feels the need to make an ass of himself in front of the camera and in the process ruins somebody's day. This time it happened to be Taylor Swift. If you don't like it, then write a song about it. When a person is accepting an award and especially when it is one of their FIRST awards, nobody cares about Kanye at the moment. But he cannot let that happen. He must be at the center of attention even if everyone else in the building is paying respects to someone else. Kanye has some fans that will love everything he does and are blinded by their allegiance to him. He also lost some fans the other day.

Joe Wilson acted like an undisciplined child on the biggest stage in politics. I can remember in speech classes the #1 rule is that you make no comments during the speech and if you weren't going to pay attention, then you make sure that you aren't being distracting. If you didn't follow these simple rules of respect you got an F on your next assignment. That was 9th grade. Many of the congressman were holding up signs during the speech and this person decided it was ok to yell out during the speech. The one giving the speech happened to be the President. If you don't like what the Pres has to say then give a speech about it or write an article about it after the fact. Some people are so blinded by their allegiance to the republican party that they will love anything that these people do. But Joe lost some fans the other day.

Here is a link to Kanye showing up on Jay Leno last night and apologizing on national TV:

http://www.thejaylenoshow.com/video/clips/kanye-west/1157073/

I have no idea how sincere it is. Honestly, Kanye has done this so many times the only thing he can do is shut up for a long time. But at least he took his bath and made an apology in front of millions and says he wants to apologize in person to Swift.

Link of Joe talking about apologizing:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/13/wilson-i-wont-apologize-a_n_284894.html

Notice the difference in both videos.

Both of these men are very similar even though they probably both hate each other. It is odd. We are losing our common sense. It isn't a political issue. It isn't an issue of pop culture. What Kanye did is make that ok for someone in the future to do. What Joe did is make that ok for someone in the future.

Dumb.

Oh The Controversy

2009-09-10T10:45:00.000-07:00

http://www.whitehouse.gov/MediaResources/PreparedSchoolRemarks/

Either click the title of this post or copy and past the above link and read the speech.

As I have said before, if Ronald Raegan gave this speech then there would be no controversy.

Most everybody that I heard making a big deal over this had not yet read the speech. They probably still haven't.

Read it. It is inspiring. I hope that when I have a child that the president then would be able to openly talk to my son or daughter in the same manner about education.

Back To School

2009-08-27T20:41:00.000-07:00

I can remember growing up that on the first day of school every year my mom would wake me up singing a line, "Up in morning and off to school.... Teachers are teaching the golden rule...." From Kindergarten through my senior year of high school she woke me up like that. So annoying.

Tonight was my first day of school in a couple of years. I am taking two courses this semester. One is an online course, Professional Writing. The other is once a week on Thursday nights and it is Criminal Justice Systems. I have to take some upper elective courses and so these two interested me more than anthropology and other things similar.

The campus has changed so much in just two years. As I waited outside of the classroom a friend of mine who is younger than me saw me and we talked for a couple of minutes. He is in his last semester. I am not.

My class is an upper level elective class so most of the people aren't that much younger than me, but still some of them looked like they were in middle school.

Most of all sitting in class reminded me of the time when I was in class the most a few years back. It reminded me of the days when I only worked 15-20 hours a week and spent most of the time in between classes hanging out with my roommates.

Late nights. Good friends. Some not so smart decisions. And some great ones.

I believe that I do a pretty decent job of "living in the moment" and not taking for granted what is happening right now. I wouldn't say that my first few years of college were the best years of my life, but they sure were a lot of fun. I would take being married to Brittany over living with the guys any day, but I will always look back on those couple of years with the guys as being some of the best moments of all time.

So I raise a toast to my old roommates and the fact that I don't ever have to deal with living with them agian.

Pretty Dumb

2009-08-27T19:57:00.000-07:00

Plaxico Burress:

Takes a gun into a nightclub and accidentally shoots himself in the leg 2mm away from his femoral. 2mm away from killing himself.

He gets two years in jail.

Michael Vick:

Runs a pretty sick (not in a good way) dog fighting ring. Tortures and kills animals.

He gets 23 months in jail.

Dante Stallworth:

Runs a man over with his car. In his statement to the police he said he honked the horn and flicked the lights at the man. Apparently he had time to do that, but not to slow down. He has enough money to get a cab to take him home.

He gets 30 days in jail.

Pretty dumb.

Depth

2009-08-23T23:36:00.000-07:00

Brittany and I did something today that we never done before together.

We went to a church where we didn't know anybody.

I wasn't filling in for anyone doing music. My wife and I decided to go to church out of curiosity. We had both worked about 11-12 hours the day before and were extremely tired. But we set the alarm and got out of bed in the morning because we felt like it would be a good thing. It is a rare time when both of us have sunday mornings off and we visited a place knowing that we wouldn't see anybody that we knew.

My desire was that we would learn something. That someone would teach something from the bible that would give us a bit of a deeper insight into what God is like. You might be surprised to know that I really don't care a whole lot about what the music sounds like when I attend a church that I am not familiar with. Seriously, I don't really care. I once visited a church where the person leading the music prayed something like, "These are just notes, but you are God and we want you to speak to our hearts today" sort of conceding to the fact that he knew that the music about to be played wouldn't be a wonderful sound. I remember that it wasn't, but that it seemed so sincere that I wasn't as concerned with the bass player missing half the notes as I usually was.

I long for depth more than anything else.

And honesty I guess.

So we arrived to find out that the pastor and regular person that leads the music were on a mission trip and there was a family who was in charge of all aspects of the service.

On the drive to church I prayed to myself simply hoping that I wouldn't be so cynical this time. I was genuinely wanting to attend church and longing for something real and not an experience or entertainment. I have entertained churches and christians so many times with my music and unfortunately I have manipulated people's emotions on more than one occasion so that they would leave feeling something that I knew wouldn't last more than 6 hours. I really didn't want to be a part of that, but this time as an observer. I came with an open heart and mind wanting to learn.

After about 30 minutes into the service I found myself wondering how much more of this I had to sit through. And that saddened me in a way that I cannot explain. I mean, really really made me uncomfortable. I didn't want to have those feelings. It had been so long since I had just gone to church to go and for no other reason.

The sermon/message/talk...whatever is popular to call it these days was a very good attempt to make people "feel good". The main subject of the 45 minutes of one man speaking was pain and how to deal with it.

It makes me sad to say that I am so angry as I think about it now and type this out. I don't want to be "that guy".

I am trying to figure out exactly how to explain the situation without sounding like I am trying to bash the man that was preaching/teaching/speaking...

I felt like I was in some type of self-help Tony Robbins course that was occasionally laced with bits of biblical reference. The subject was pain and I have known quite a bit over the last two years. This should have impacted me greatly and helped me move on because "...pain is the fuel for our souls!"

Instead I felt so cheated...

I could write so much more. I just deleted a bunch of stuff because it wasn't worthwhile to what I am really trying to say.

What I am trying to get across is that in my heart I am not too concerned with emotions at church. How the music makes me feel or how the person talking wants me to feel is not really that important. What I long for is to learn more about God. It doesn't have to be from a professor at a seminary. I am just asking that it isn't from the school of Tony Robbins. No matter how good intentioned a man may be in his preparation of a 45 minute speech at a church, it comes across as shallow to me when the bible is just a bit of support to the message they are trying to get across.

The message that was taught today was very helpful for a lot of the people it seemed. Many there seemed to really enjoy it.

That bothered me even more.

What I needed in the midst of pain that is still very real to me was insight into the character of God. I needed content, not emotion. I needed Jesus, not formulas.

This was a quote that I wrote down that was displayed on the screen for us to see/write down:

"Shadows are not as big as they seem."

Thanks.

I didn't need a scholar. I could have used someone simply putting this verse on the screen and talking about it and the situation surrounding it for about 10 minutes at least.

"Jesus wept."

I long for more than dribble. I know that sounds so pious and snoody of me. I honestly don't want to come across as that way. I really just want to learn more about Jesus.

Being away for so long has brought that desire into my heart.

Reaching For More

2009-08-03T23:28:00.000-07:00

Next month I will celebrate my 26th birthday.

I have been reevaluating a lot of things in my life lately.

I have been coming to the conclusion that there are certain things that I MUST do before I die. Dreams that I have had since I was a teenager that I have a deep sense that I need to fulfill.

One might refer to these things as a bucket list. If you watched the movie "The Bucket List" you understand that most of the incredible things the two gentlemen did were in the last year of their lives. That is all well and good, but I would like to incorporate my list into my entire life.

I believe that things are so much more attainable than we are willing to believe. When I think about these 25 years that have been my life I realize that I have pursued in a responsible, yet sometimes reckless enough manner to achieve some incredible things that I never thought possible.

I have worked in an orphanage in Africa.

I have hiked a glacier in Alaska.

I own season tickets to the Florida Gators football games. 50 yard line. 39 rows up. In the shade.

I recorded an album and made money from it. And I actually liked my album even though I usually hate listening to myself.

I was the keynote speaker at a week long camp in Philadelphia. The goal of the camp was that over 300 high school students from different parts of the US would come and be a part of rebuilding and renovating homes in a poor area of the city. At night all of the students and adults would listen to what I had to say. The crazy thing was that a lot of the people acted like they couldn't wait for me to speak the next evening.

I am a waiter at a restaurant. I kind of hate it, but I always thought that I would be good at it and I have had the chance to accomplish that.

I married someone that is cool and that is hot.

I have built a snowman.

I once had a conversation in American Sign Language with a stranger as a result of me taking classes for it.

I write these things out because I believe that I could look at my life and think of how boring it is. I could sit around and feel stuck in my job and that I am not useful. But the truth is that our waves do come. They just don't come every single day or every month. It has taken many years for these dreams to become a reality, but they have become just that.

I understand that we all grow a little hardened and calloused as we get older, but I don't want to be the person that is miserable as a result of that.

I don't want to let go of my dreams just because I haven't reached another one in the last year or two.

One of my goals since I was a kid was that I always wanted to go to Hawaii. The older I got I realized how expensive that would be and that I wasn't sure how I could do that and not feel like I had just wasted a ton of money on myself.

Now I work for Hyatt Hotels. It isn't an amazing job and a lot of times it makes me into a person that I don't want to become, but there are things about it that are pretty awesome. So next August I have booked for my wife and I free rooms at 3 different Hyatt Resorts on 3 different islands in Hawaii.

The rooms are $400 a night to the average joe. For us they will cost nothing. I don't feel that bad about it either. I work all the time and very hard so that my wife and I are at peace with our finances and also so that we are able to be married. She does the same and more. So for a reward for barely seeing each other for the first 2 and a half years of our marriage we are going to spend 2 and a half weeks in one of the most beautiful places that I could imagine going and we are going to be able to do that saving quite a bit of money.

It is funny how dreams become a reality. I kind of hate my job. But the rewards can be outstanding.

What dreams do you have that you have given up on?

What is there deep within your sould that you feel that you MUST do?

I feel like we could reach for more if wanted to. Maybe we are afraid of failure or things similar, but I think if we looked at the things that we have already accomplished we will realized that our dreams aren't that far from being a reality. The fun part is that most of the time we have no idea how things worked out in our favor. We just knew we had to do something and it got done.

Hold on to those dreams. We live once. I am 26. I will contine to grow older until I stop breathing. I feel pretty satisfied out how my life has turned out so far and the amount of things that I have been able to accomplish. But I don't want to stop there.

There is so much out there and there is so much within us.

What if we just believed that we could do some incredible things and then focused on them when they actually happen?

Home

2009-07-15T22:55:00.000-07:00

I have thought long and hard on how to articulate this post. I confess that nothing that I say gives justice to the topic. On the topic of Heaven I write not as a theologian, nor do I write as a man of faith (whatever you think that means). My knowledge of what the religious scholars and books of the bible say about this place is smaller than I can begin to describe, and if you could see into the depths of my heart you would understand that my faith is many times microscopic compared to what I think that I know.

I write as a son who has watched death slowly but surely take his mother down a road that I wish no one else to follow. I write as a friend who, from a distance, has traveled the same journey of close friends who just this past Sunday held a memorial service for their father. I write as a spectator who watched along with around 1/6th of the population of the world the memorial service for one of the greatest entertainers of all time.

Smokey Robinson stated so well what, I believe, resonates in the hearts of most of the human species.

"I believe that this is not the end. I believe that this is not ALL that there is."

I just sat and read that line over again a few times.

My take on Heaven is based on a conversation I had a few years ago with a stranger in the Atlanta airport. Her name was Tina and I really didn't want to talk to her. In fact, I had just wandered down to the small bookstore to make a purchase and try to waste the remaining hours of my delayed flight in solitude away from everyone and anyone who felt a need to start a stupid conversation with me as their way of passing the time.

I had heard that a bunch of local churches were doing sermon series on a fictional book called "The Davinci Code". I thought if it caused this much of an uproar then it must be a pretty decent read. By the way, it was an ok book. It wasn't the greatest book ever, but I still never understood the religious movement against a FICTIONAL book. Anyways, I began to read it near my gate and of course within about 10 minutes this girl, who was probably just a few years older than I was, noticed what I was reading.

"Oh...the Davinci Code, such a good book."

My first thoughts were straight profanity, which I will refrain from typing here. I knew that this person wanted to talk and I should have bought Marilyn Manson's autobiography instead and maybe she would not have said anything. That reminds me, I ordered that book a while back on ebay and still haven't received it.

So I decided I couldn't just walk away and I engaged in conversation with Tina, who happened to be quite a pleasant person to be stuck at your gate with in the busiest airport in the world. I mean, I could've had some real idiot that smelt like hot garbage trying to talk to me. If that were the case, I would definitely have walked away.

Sorry for getting so sidetracked there. Back to the matter at hand: Heaven. Eventually the question came up from her about if I believed in Jesus and if I believed in Heaven.

This is a pretty close paraphrase of what I told her. It wasn't scripted or anything, it just is what makes sense in my head and now that I have seen death and disease so close it makes more sense that I can convey.

When I look at society I see a lot of bad things. We sometimes argue so much for certain veiwpoints of certain topics that we lose sight of the fact that most of what we are arguing about shouldn't be argued about in the first place. War doesn't seem ok, but it has been going on since the beginning of history. Disease doesn't seem ok. Although we have made large advances in medicine, over 700,000 Americans will die this year due to cancer. That is a staggering amount in our technilogically advanced era. In America we work more than any other country in the world, mostly so that can go on vacation or have the material possessions that our hearts desire. Meanwhile, in poor countries all over the world, people are dying of things such as the common cold or lack of penicilin. And we don't give a damn. We argue about universal healthcare being a political issue, but do we not believe that every child and every person should have the opportunity to be taken care of just as well as anybody else.

Please understand that I am trying to make no political statement other than our politics have gotten in the way of common sense. But the main issue that I told Tina in the airport was that I believe that our society as a whole is in the most simple sense "broken".

There is something wrong.

There is something off.

Some of it is in our control and some of it is not. Life is so unfair and the best word I know to describe that is that this existence as we know it and have known it through reading history is messed up. And not just a tad, but messed up quite a bit.

But let's not stop there. Take a look at yourself.

In my life I have struggled with things that I believe that we all deal with on and off throughout our lives.

Lonliness.

Broken Heart.

Wondering if we matter in this world.

Not knowing if we will be good enough children, students, husbands, wives, friends, you fill in the blank.

We are broken individually.

I am broken.

I belive strongly that there must be an answer for this. That belief has led me to Jesus and the topic of this post, Heaven.

I wrote about how my mother had become physically unrecognizable. I wish that I could tell you that image has been banned from my memory, but it has not. I dealt with nightmares consistently for weeks after her funeral dealing with her health. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't see clearly her decayed and diseased and tormented body in my mind.

To me, her body is a very accurate representation of my "broken" state of being. My soul is ridden with this disease and the symptoms are listed above as they are with every single person. When I think of her sickness I think of my inmost thoughts being so wrong at times and how I can manipulate people and on and on. I think of how our society is cancer ridden and so messed up that most of the time we don't even recognize it.

When I searched for the word "heaven" in the bible, most of the time that Jesus talked about it he talked in terms that heaven was here now. That the purpose for those who follow his teachings are to bring the Kingdom of Heaven to earth now in a real way for people to see.

I don't want to get too far off subject or into Heaven being just on earth. I believe that Jesus wanted us to bring the great things of Heaven i.e. justice, oneness, completeness, redemption, grace, love to the place we live now because He knew that we were a sick people with a cancer at the core of our society and our souls.

So to me, Heaven is the opposite of the picture of my mom's diseased body. It is the opposite of the things I mentioned earlier about our society and our individual hearts not being "ok". Heaven will be the place that we no longer struggle with the aspects of our lives that everyone has always struggled with.

Can you imagine that there is a place where depression does not exist? Can you picture not feeling incomplete?

No more lonliness.

No more suffering, physically or mentally.

No more inadequecy.

No more not quite measuring up.

No more sleepless nights of your mind wandering on and on about all of the dreams that you have thrown away or that you can never attain.

No more broken.

One of the last times I talked to my mom I told her that she was so close to experiencing and having everything that she had ever longed for since she was a child. None of that being toys or things, but rather all of it having to do with feeling whole. It is funny, she didn't mention anything about how the streets of gold would look or what her "mansion" would look like.

In her sickest state she only longed to be loved and to be made complete.

In my sickest state I also long to be loved and to be made complete.

I believe that my mom is home.

I look forward to seeing her there. I am sure that we will have no recollection of disease of any kind.

Until then I think about what it means to bring that "Home" to this journey.

Pretty Crazy

2009-06-25T20:30:00.000-07:00

My father wrote me an email shortly after he read my last post. He told me that he read it and then read it once more and that his heart was aching for his son. These next few sentences I should just copy and paste from the email, for there is great power in them and I don't want to get one word wrong.

" I think of you so often as a little boy and I want to take away the pain, but you’re a man now and you’re acting like one. I’m proud of you….I always have been."

I have read those specific lines over and over again since they landed on my blackberry just a few hours before my mom died. Such a few words that I know will always remain in my memory.

Since my mother's death I have begun to take some things a little more seriously. Things including my health, weight, time, finances...etc. Included in that process is making sure that my wife and eventually the rest of my family feels secure and safe and one of the things that is a large part of that is our finances. At the beginning of the week I took a closer look at how I can help my wife and our bills and what is really more important in certain areas.

The biggest thing that we agreed upon changing is our car situation. Brittany's car is a lease. That was a deal that went down before we were married so we have been paying about $250 a month towards a car that we know that we will not want to buy once the lease ends in October of 2010. Instead of paying that money to "rent" a car we decided that we needed to get rid of the lease asap and put that money towards something else more constructive. It all worked out rather quickly and Brittany's parents actually wanted to take the car from us so as of the end of July we were ready to be a one car family.

One car would be a tough thing for us because Brittany goes to school and I was going to start back again in August and riding the public bus to work would be my transportation, but we were ok with that and believed that we were doing our best to sacrifice a little to be better with our money. Wednesday night I finalized our insurance policy to remove the car as of the end of July (when her parents would take it form us). I felt great about it.

But also a little worried about how I was going to get around.

Tonight, Thursday, Brittany and I went over to where my mom lived to see her husband and go through a few things that now belonged to us. There were some incredible priceless things that I am so thankful to have. I believe that being a pack rat is not good, but please save some things. I found pictures and random things that I have never seen before. We all teared up as we went through things that were close to my mom's heart and the idea that she is no longer here was very real.

As we took some of the boxes to our car Darold, my mom's husband, said "Since we are out here I want to give these to you."

He handed each of us the keys to my mom's car and told us that she had a policy that allowed the car to be paid off completely after she died and given to us. He cried as he told us this and I believe I laughed at first and then cried all within 5 seconds.

The crazy thing is that Brittany and I had just discussed that we would pay for cash for whatever car we owned in the future and never again have to deal with a car payment. I was planning on saving up about 6-8k for a decent used car eventually.

The car that we now own because of the generosity of my mom and her husband is something that we would not be able to buy until we were very old. I would not brag about my own car if I had bought it myself, but I am going to tell you a little about this car since, I believe, it shows what a great gift it is.

-2007 Nissan Altima

-25,040 miles

-Complete navigation system included

-Bluetooth included

-Power seats, windows

-Seat warmers

-Camera when you reverse to show you what is behind you

-Leather seats

-Keyless ingnition, keyless locking/unlocking

-Sunroof

-6 disc CD changer and mp3 accesible

-Seriously, everything is digital. Everything. And there is a screen in the middle where the GPS is that is touch screen.

-Darold had it deatailed before he gave it to us

The only reason I am going into all of this detail is because I am incredibly overwhelmed by my mom's final gift to me and my wife. I am also almost speechless to the fact that this came just the day after our plans were final to get rid of one of our cars and begin the long process of saving enough money to buy a decent used car.

My next post will be on heaven. I am not sure exactly what that means, but I have been thinking a lot about it lately and will get to it.

But for now all I can think of is how thankful I am to my mother for loving me. She had this planned almost two years ago before her first surgery. I believe that God had something to do with all of this. When I had a conversation with my mom about her death that I described in my last post she was about to tell me what she was going to leave me and I told her that we didn't need to talk about that.

Two years in the making and God worked out the timing in such a way that all I can do is sit here on my couch and be amazed at everything. I understand that none of you will know how incredible this really is, but I just had to write about it.

I Always Wondered What This Would Be Like

2009-05-07T09:57:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday evening May 5th I walked into my grandmama's back door not knowing exactly what I was going to say or what my mom was going to say or if I was going to break down emotionally or come across as too stern because I was hardened by the fact that cancer had taken its toll on my mother.

I entered the door and heard crying immediately. I took a left and 20 feet away my mom was understandably almost hysterical as she sat on the bed and cried. I walked in and my uncle said, "She knows, Jason". I leaned over to hug my mom and through the massive tears she uttered...

"I know that I'm dying..."

A sigh from me, "I know."

I sat down next to her and I held her hand. I don't remember the last time that I held my mom's hand for something other than praying before a meal.

She asked how long had I known and I simply replied, "For a while."

We talked about many things...

"Was I a good mom?"...

"On your break from church did you find the answers you were looking for?"...

"What will you tell your kids about me?"...

"What have you thought about my cancer over the last year and a half?"...

"What do you want to pursue in your life?"....................................

I will always remember this conversation. Literally, always. I believe that even when I am in heaven I will talk to my mom and we will say something like, "...that was such a great conversation..."

I told my mother at the end of the conversation that for Mother's Day she had to accept my gift. I told her that Brittany and I were going to change our vacation plans and instead of traveling to San Francisco and Lake Tahoe and be with her wherever she wanted. She chose the beach and I made plans the next day to spend the following week at New Smyrna with her and her husband and my wife. People have said things like, "that is a really great thing that you did for your mom", but I consider it more common sense. I mean, who wouldn't do the same thing?

So I rented the condo from Saturday May 9th to Saturday May 16th. My mom and her husband Darold arrived at the condo on Saturday and after working Sunday Brittany and I joined them.

Monday was a great day. It was obvious that my mother's health had quickly gone downhill since I had last seen her. So we carried her down to the beach and she enjoyed a day in the sun watching us play in the waves and throw the frisbee. There is something so simple and great about throwing the frisbee at the beach. It makes me wonder what other simple things that people get to experience around the world in their own environments that I will never get to.

I knew that my mom was not doing well as she was not really eating. Literally she was only eating a few peanuts a day and possibly an Ensure drink. The alarming thing was that she was throwing up far more than she was taking in.

Tuesday she looked much worse. She was also becoming less responsive. She was zoning out when I would talk to her and it was almost like she wasn't even there at times. But around 1pm she seemed as close to herself as she could be. Her and I talked for about two hours at that point. I knew that that would be the last "real" conversation we would have. We talked about so many things in between me changing her "puke pot" out for a new one. She said she felt that death was coming on quick. She told me how proud she was of the person I had become and that I had exceeded the great expectations that she had for me. She told me what she wanted me to sing at her funeral, if I could. We talked about heaven and what we thought it would be like. My mother expressed to me that she was no longer worried about Brittany and I, but that she was still concerned about her husband and leaving him behind and alone and sad. We discussed how she would have a great legacy in my kid's eyes unlike her dad who was a loser. I remember that I almost broke down and cried when I told her that I would miss a mother's pride in her son and a love that extended beyond all faults. God, it felt like we talked for days.

Wednesday was one of the worst days of my life. My mom asked to go down to the beach again, but shortly after she was carried down she began to throw up everywhere. Immediately she began to cry and repeatedly say how sorry she was. Brittany had never seen her get sick like that and was upset. Darold was beginning to realize this was the end. And I was there feeling like I was trying to oversee everything and everyone and at that point I didn't know what to do or say. I went back inside to hang out with my mom and she was still crying saying that she was ruining my vacation and that she was so so sorry.

I just hugged her. I then went to the bathroom and sobbed harder than I had in years. My mother was physically almost unrecognizable. Her skin was a dark yellow along with her eyes. She threw up 5 times as much as she was eating/drinking. She could barely walk from the bed to the bathroom. And she was the one apologizing to me.

Even now as I write this I cry.

She spent the rest of that Wednesday in bed. She didn't want to talk really. She couldn't eat anything.

I talked to my uncle and he and my grandma decided that they should come out to the beach to actually look at my mom. Remember it was just a week ago that my mom was sitting up having a conversation with me. She had looked bad then, but by now she looked ten times worse. When my uncle and grandma arrived we knew right away almost that we needed to get her back home. She was dying and needed to be the most comfortable. We packed up around midnight and left needing to get my mom home so that she could die in a comfortable place in peace.

Today it was difficult to look at my mom. Her body lay in bed somehow still looking worse than before. I spoke to her and told her that Brittany was making a big dinner for the entire family and asked her if she wanted me to sing a few songs to her afterwards. In the loudest voice she had she said yes and nodded her head.

After dinner I went home to get my guitar and wondered what this was going to be like. I came in and it was very dark in the bedroom. I sang to her for probably around an hour. I sang old hymns, songs that I had written, and more contemporary songs. I am not sure how I got through it, but I did. And I could sense the grace and love from God flowing through the music in between my mother and myself.

I sang the song that she asked me to sing at her funeral at the end. "I Bowed On My Knees And Cried Holy". At the end of the song I quit playing and within two seconds her arms were stretched out towards me as she was lying down and she was loudly saying, "thank you, i love you."

I always wondered what this would be like. The final days have been full of tears, aching, helplessness, pain, love, peace, comfort, laughter....the list goes on and on.

You realize how many things that we esteem as "important" are so very not.

You understand that there will never be anything like a mother's love.

You are reminded of the reality of the fact that you must be very clear with yourself on what you believe about faith/heaven.

I will always remember that my mom had to battle a rare type of cancer that was more than devastating to her body. More than that, I will remember how our relationship evolved in the final 21 months of her life. We put away childish differences and loved each other the way that God always intended for us to.

For a while I hated that God had allowed this to happen.

While I will never fully understand or pretend to, I am thankful for many of the things that happened in my relationship with my mother that would have never happened without this cancer.

My mom probably has just a few more days.

But the memories will last forever.

A Year

2009-04-25T13:52:00.000-07:00

On this very hour a year ago today Brittany and I were getting ready to begin the wedding rehearsal. I can remember how much I was not looking forward to that. The rehearsal is always the worst part weddings that I have been a part of. It is necessary and very helpful, but towards the end everyone gets antsy and I am always hungry and I start to become annoyed with the one or two people who decide that they should give their input every 30 seconds even though nobody cares and most of what they say is stupid.

But it was over before we knew it and we were at Kobe Steakhouse enjoying the time with our friends and family.

Tomorrow marks 1 year since Brittany and I have been married. A couple people at work told me, "congratulations man!" and I knew that it was a sincere gesture, but nonetheless it felt a little weird. Mainly because to me anniversaries are more of a reflection time than anything else. Brittany and I have been dating and now married for a total of over 4 years and I have never felt like we deserved congrats for it. Maybe if we live to be very old it will be different and I will feel a sense of accomplishment for making it through the "bad times" as well as the "good"... whatever that means.

We will celebrate. Don't get me wrong. Our marriage is a BIG deal to me and our plans for tomorrow evening our a secret so I can't spill the beans to you. But our marriage is more of a big deal to me than our anniversary. I am just as content spending time with Brittany watching "American Idol" or "24" as anything else. Going out and celebrating is fun, but staying home and doing nothing occasionally is just as much a celebration of the fact that we not only can stand each other, but we actually like spending time together without bells and whistles.

A few things I have learned or come to a better understanding of include the following:

1. Our time together is precious and we do not care who understands that or who doesn't. We spend usually one evening together a week with each other with no work or school involved. We don't have the type of schedules that allow for anything more. We like to spend that one evening alone away from everyone else because it is only a once a week possibility. We made our family rounds on the holidays, but on Christmas Day we hung out only with each other. Our vacation time is used to spend an entire week with one another apart from anyone. We had a week off in March together and it felt like an incredibly long vacation since we hardly see each other. Some people or family members might not understand why. But they don't have to and I have learned that we are okay with that.

2. Brittany works harder than anyone I know. Since we have been married she has started her graduate program and I know that it puts an enormous amount of pressure on her. She has started her speech therapy sessions with clients this semester, has group presentations, projects, exams, papers every single week. She works full time on her feet waiting on tables. She is respected at work as a dependable person that works hard. And that job sucks. I know, I work there too. Brittany finds time somewhere in between to do things like the laundry, clean the apartment, go grocery shopping and also be a loving wife. In this last year there has not been one single time where she has ever said or done anything to make me feel like less of a person because I don't have the type of job that can allow her to just focus on school and not worry about also putting 30-40 hours of work in at a crappy job. She just keeps on working and keeps on loving me.

3. I am completely content with my marriage. We are similar in some aspects of our personality, but very different in others. And the differences make for good company. I have not seen anything in any other person that I wish Brittany had. I did not settle for anything getting married, but rather was blessed with somebody that exceeded any expectations I put on my future wife growing up.

4. I am clumsier than I used to be. I am not sure if this has anything to do with marriage or just a part of getting older. I am only 25 so I'm not saying I'm old, but I keep running into shit and spilling things like I never used to.

My advice for people that are not yet married is that things don't really change a whole lot. The fingerprint that makes up your relationship is just magnified under marriage and put in your face. Thankfully we have always had a very healthy friendship and relationship and this past year has reminded me of that day after day.

2009-03-29T10:06:00.000-07:00

He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of the sudden I am unaware
Of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great your affections are for me

Oh how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How he loves so

So He is our portion and we are His bride
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about
The way...

He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves

Honesty

2009-02-10T23:52:00.000-08:00

Something happened tonight that has not happened in a long time...

A few posts ago I wrote about how I was taking a break from church to focus on my relationship with God. A relationship that I believed to be severely overshadowed by my relationship to church (and the money I made for it).

I thought that in my post I was being very clear that my intent was not malicious in any way towards anything or anyone, but rather an honest and in depth look inside of myself. I am a genuinely quiet person about serious things and sometimes this blog is a way for me to try and express myself how I could not or would not want to vocally. So that post was me doing my best to be honest and real and help you understand where I am coming from.

Of course I knew that some people would not understand, not because of anything wrong with them, but rather because I am wired very differently than some and I know that no matter how I portray my own heart that there will be those that will not get it.

I want to thank you if you posted anything as a response to that post. Other people who did not respond in writing had some very demeaning and negative things to say about what I wrote in that post. People that I consider friends. And that hurt. It hurts more that those people still have not said one word about it to me, whether it be concern or discouraging. They decided to make remarks to my wife when I wasn't there.

My advice to anyone who reads this. If somebody opens themselves up and becomes vulnerable in any fashion, make sure that your priority is to let them know that it is ok to be honest. More than trying to give them advice or more than trying to let them know why they shouldn't think or say things. Just listen (or read) and whatever your response is.... let it be humble.

All of that out of the way... I told Brittany the other day that I believe that God is working in my heart. I think that is a very cliche and cheesy way of saying it, but I don't care about trying to make it sound cool or modern because those of you reading know what I mean. A bunch of small things that I don't need to go into detail of have helped me see that God is in the process of softening my heart. My heart has been very hard and calloused for such a long time and I have grown so cynical.

If we believe that we have a relationship with God then I believe that I am in the process of restoring that relationship. I know that technically that might not be theologically correct to the tee, but I hope you understand what I am saying.

In light of these things, something happened tonight that has not happened in a long time...

I cried.

I cried for my sins.

I cried for my mom.

I cried because I miss Jesus.

And I cried because I am not sure of what to think of God these days.

This is now me being honest. If you respond to this blog please don't comment or try to give any advice on what I am about to say. I believe that this is kind of like a journal and the only reason I write down honest struggles for others to see is that I believe it is healthy for everyone.

My mother has been extremely sick lately. She has not been able to go back to work. She is continuously throwing up, almost to the point of having to go to the hospital because she didn't know what else to do. The pain near her liver, where tumors are, is so intense that she can barely sleep at night. I know it is very bad because my mother is not a big complainer and can take pain pretty well.

I wish that I could just say that I'm trusting in God because Rom. 8:28 says all things work together for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purposes. But I cannot. I don't believe that specific verse is garbage, but I do believe it is garbage when somebody quotes that to make somebody like me try to feel better. "You just have to trust Him..." If your mom,dad,spouse,friend, child gets cancer and is in the state my mom is in and somebody throws that verse out expecting it to save the day you will find that you want to punch that person in their face. Believe me, I completely understand that people have the best intentions.

I can clearly recall just a short time ago, before my mom started this journey, that I was on the other end listening to a close friend who's dad had pancreatic cancer and was about to go under for surgery that could end his life. I had no idea of what they were going through, but in the back of my mind I tried to convince myself that I could understand. I told that person the only thing I knew to say was that I believed that God was big enough to handle their anger, hurt, frustration, pain, questions. I think that many Christians are not able to handle those things, thus people commenting to Brittany about my blog and how I shouldn't have said those things.

So here I am. I am angry with God. There are moments when I wonder if there is a God to be angry at. My mom is a pretty decent human being compared to most people that I know. I don't believe that people deserve cancer, but I know a lot of people that have lived a long time and who have treated their bodies far worse than my mom who are living with no cancer. I know angry and mean people who are living with no cancer.

And then anger turns to hurt and sadness. I know that God's ways are "above mine" and all of that kind of stuff, but this is my mom. It hits home in a very real way this time. I know that God doesn't "owe" me anything, but surely the divorce when I was 16 was enough. That took quite a while to get through. But this seems absurd. I know that it sounds so childish, but I cannot help but wonder why. The bigger picture that I cannot see will never be worth it to me. I know that Job got a lot more stuff after all of his original stuff was finished off, but I don't think Job would have ever said it was worth it. I think he was grateful and felt he owed everything to God, but to loose all of your children? Having more doesn't take away the loss.

This has been a very long post and it probably could have been much more well thought out. But I needed to write down exactly what I was thinking without holding back or editing.

I am in the process of restoring my relationship with God. It is a strange and unique time. I don't know where it is going to lead. That scares me a little.

I do feel that somehow God is holding all of this together. I do feel that He loves me.

I am just hurt and saddened by God...

But I do miss Him...

New Year

2009-01-04T13:14:00.000-08:00

My heart beats like a drum, flying up with the sun
I grab Your hand again
Renovated with life, my eyes again bright
And You are radiant

Where hope can hold my hand of sorrow
And we can walk into tomorrow
Where peace is found in troubled days
And the joy of Jesus carries pain

This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine, lift up your eyes
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine and point the way to God's great life

I'm held in a place, a beautiful space
Where heaven meets the earth
My heart opens wide and the Father pours life
Deep inside my soul

Where hope can hold my hand of sorrow
And we can walk into tomorrow
Where peace is found in troubled days
And the joy of Jesus carries pain

This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine, lift up your eyes
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine and point the way to God's great life

Where hope can hold my hand of sorrow
We can walk into tomorrow
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine, lift up your eyes

This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine and point the way to God's great life

This a new year, this is a new day
Rise, rise, rise and shine
This is a new year, this is a new year

-Charlie Hall

Our First Christmas

2008-12-25T22:36:00.000-08:00

Today is the day after Christmas and it also marks exactly 8 months since Brittany and I were married.

I have a theory that time goes by faster as you get older because: When you are 5 years old 1 year is 20% of your life. When you are 25 years old 1 year is only 4% of your life. And the older you get 1 year is much less of your life than it was when you started.

Anyways, Brittany and I have been working at the Hyatt Regency Hotel for over a year now. Between school schedules and also me working at churches we rarely have had days off together since our honeymoon in April. I mean, literally we have probably had about 9 days off together since then and that is only at the Hyatt. Usually if I get a Thursday off she is at school for half the day and then studying in the evening. You see what I am getting at. We don't have normal weekends. We aren't guaranteed a day to relax together every week. Our time is precious.

Not long after becoming husband and wife we understood that certain boundaries would have to be made in relation to the time spent with our families on holidays and all that jazz. For instance we worked on Thanksgiving and were expecting to possibly have to work on Christmas day. But we did tell our immediate family members that on Christmas day we would not be seeing them and in fact our phones would be turned off.

Please understand that we have and still are spending the rest of this week making sure that everyone gets quality time spent with us to celebrate Christmas. And by celebrating I don't mean exchanging gifts, but just being together for even just an hour or so.

So this Christmas we slept in until around 10am. It felt great. No alarms. No people. Just each other. We woke up and went straight to the 4 foot Christmas tree and exchanged presents. We each got three for each other. We did quite well with the gifts I might add.

We made cinnamon rolls w/ icing for breakfast and we went back to bed and watched It's A Wonderful Life.

After that we got cleaned up and went to the movies to use some gift cards that we had received. After some discussion on what we should see we easily agreed on "Yes Man" with Jim Carrey. The movie theater is PACKED on Christmas day! The movie was pretty good and free.

When we left there we were hungry, but realized that nothing American would be open. So we headed towards Xing Xing, the sushi/japanese/chinese/ place a block away from our apt. I knew it would be open due to the fact that at the end of "A Christmas Story" the only place open for a meal was the Jap place....fa ra ra ra ra.....

We noticed Blockbuster and also The Pit sports grill was open. We went to the Pit and met some nice people, had a couple beers and watched the third quarter of the Lakers vs. Celtics. We stopped in and rented a couple of movies and headed home.

Ended the evening watching Hancock.

This is more a posting for me to jot down what happened today and soak it all in one more time before we wake up tomorrow and turn our phones back on and head back to work.

We decided to spend Christmas together by ourselves not because we don't like our families, but because we like each other more and needed to. Most Christmases I drive around all day stopping in here and there to make sure I have hit all the houses I need to so that nobody's feelings are hurt. I usually find myself feeling incredibly lonely and tired at the end of those days.

Not today.

It was the best Christmas I have had in many years and I feel satisfied that this was the best way I could have spent my first Christmas with my wife.

Things I Miss

2008-12-20T22:44:00.000-08:00

The other day at work I was having a conversation with a friend about how there are certain things that we miss. Feelings that we will never have memories of, but that we will never experience again. Not that other situations or experiences are not as good as the previous, but there are just certain things that you miss. Maybe you can name a few. Here are some of mine.

Christmas morning as a child. Walking down the stairs in the morning to what seemed like an overwhelming amount of presents around the Christmas tree for everyone. There is nothing that will ever be like that. I suppose that one day having a child and seeing that look of amazement in their eyes will be as close to that as I will ever get again.

Playing sports for school. There is nothing like trying out for a basketball team with 80 guys trying out and being one of 11 making the team. There is nothing like the bond of 11 guys who work together and who would never all choose to hang out together, but are now like family. Wins, losses, practice, and parties with those guys for a few months every year taught me lessons that nothing else could have done quite the same.

Racing the bus driver. In middle school those of us at our bus stop would walk to the previous bus stop and wait for the bus to get there. Once it put the red flashing lights on we would take off and sprint back to our bus stop hoping to make it before the bus did. I think back and realize the driver probably would have never left us and probably thought we were stupid kids for doing this. It was only a block away between stops, but the adrenaline rush it was just about every morning for 3 years was incredible. Nothing can ever match that.

Anyways, there are moments in life that are significant, semi-important, or very ridiculous that happen and we will never experience anything like them again. I am pretty happy with the memories that I am making these days, it is just entertaining to look back and think about things that were a big part of my life that are totally unique in their own way.

Break Time

2008-12-12T00:39:00.000-08:00

I have decided to take a break from God.

Ok, not really, but I was taught you needed an opening line that would spark interest and draw the reader in to continue to read.

You might not want to read, but if you have gotten this far you probably will and therefore I must continue this post. *having nothing to do with this i am currently watching Survivor Man and he is in 44 degree weather in the dark and starving. He just said, "I didn't sign up for this." But I think he did.*

Anyways, back to my original sentence. I am taking a break from church for a while. Please don't get me wrong.... this is NOT a "The church is so messed up and has ruined my brain and I hate it" kind of thing. This also is NOT "People at church piss me off and judge me and I am sick of it" sort of post either.

This IS what this is:

I have been attending church since I was a fetus. I can't remember that far back, but I am taking my mom's word for it. She probably has lied about things here and there in the past, but I have no reason to believe that she is not telling me the truth in this instance. Not only have I been going to church that long I have other accomplishments on my list:

I also went to Sunday School from the time I was a child until my first year in college.

I know more than one verse of A LOT of hymns.

When I was in the 3rd grade I knew all of the books of the bible in order and I got a pin for it.

In the 6th grade I was at a conference with the youth group and I lifted my hands for the first time in a worship service. It was tough, but I loved Jesus.

In the 8th grade I was allowed to be on a drama team at church when I really wasn't supposed to be on it until the 9th grade. We got to do a drama skit in front of 3,000+ people at the conference I mentioned previously one year.

Before I get to high school I would like to mention that I read the entire book of Revelation in the 6th grade and wrote my first sermon shortly thereafter.

In high school once I year I took a stand for Jesus and attended See You At The Pole and prayed for the "lost" students at my school and thanked God that He had kept me from the things that they wrapped their lives around.

I played basketball ball for school during high school and my nickname was "The Reverend" because I would lead the prayer before the games.

Also during basketball season one year I severely injured my foot, but before going to the doctor the next morning I walked around on it all evening to attend my FAITH group and witness. It turned out that I had a badly sprained heel (who knew you could do that), 2 torn ligaments in my foot, and a chipped bone also. It hurt, but I loved Jesus.

It was in high school that I learned how to play the guitar because I saw a need in my youth group and thought I could help a situation. I began to lead worship at the age of 17 still a shy kid who could barely speak to people he did not know.

3 days after I graduated high school I left to dedicate my summer to leading worship to thousands of teenagers all over the USA for summer missions camps. Technically, I should not have gotten that job until I had finished one year of college, but my youth pastor pulled some strings and the people saw a kid with great potential and a humble heart. I did that job for 4 summers.

Because of those camps I got gigs playing at church youth events on weekends and eventually also got some speaking opportunities. I have preached at contemporary and EXTREMELY traditional churches on Sunday mornings.

I mentioned I went to Sunday School through the first year of college. You might think that I decided to rebel after that, but not true... I was leading worship for a church when I was 19 and couldn't attend the Sunday School classes.

Most recently I worked for a church that runs around 12,000 and was asked by the head pastor to help with their contemporary service on Sunday mornings.

I also registered as a Republican because that's the only party that God had favor on.

..............................ok

I hope you haven't thrown up yet. I did about halfway through and came back to finish the rest. These are the reasons that I must take a break from church. My life has been consumed in this world that has kept me from the reality in which everyone else has lived. I have "taken stands" and "been set apart" so many times that I have never really known what it is like to relate to the people that I work with or the people that I randomly have a conversation with at the gas station or wherever.

I felt "called to the ministry" in high school, but I never knew what that meant because I wondered aren't we all called to ministry? Do we not all have a duty to love people and interact with them in the same ways that Jesus did? What I have never thought that "ministry" was supposed to be was for me to be so wrapped up in the church lifestyle as we know it that I have no idea how to have normal, honest, and important conversations with people that aren't familiar with church vocabulary.

I do still feel that my call to ministry is a tad different however, I just haven't figured out exactly what it means.

First Orlando had to make a bunch of budget cut backs due to the economic crisis in our country. A good friend of mine who's wedding I was recently in just lost his full time job at the church. Services that I was involved in were all canceled and so here I am.

Please understand that I am not bitter at any church or any pastor or anyone. But for the reasons I mentioned earlier that made myself sick, I must take a break. Like I said, I have been going since I was in the womb. Please don't pray for my spiritual state (well you can, but just don't think I'm taking a break from church because I don't like Jesus as much). I am not taking a break from God, don't get it wrong. I am not taking a break from tithing. I am not taking a break from seeking Jesus in the things that happen around me every day.

I am taking a break from church so that when I return I will want to attend and not be obligated to do so. I want to go to church not because I will get paid for doing music. I want church to be something that I look forward to and not something that on Saturday night I say, "I wish tomorrow wasn't Sunday." I want to go to church and want to invest in the ministry for real.

I want to go to church and not judge everyone around me. I want to go to church and not think that I am better than most of the people there.

Forgive the long post. If you have made it this far I hope that this had made a bit of sense and you understand my heart. I listed those "accomplishments" not to mock them, but to show you how much of my life has been wrapped up in this church world and so that you can say, "yeah....he deserves some time off."

I still love Jesus.

I still love the church.

I just need to focus more on one than the other.

Football Update

2008-11-15T18:21:00.001-08:00

I would love to see Texas Tech play Florida in the national championship game.

Points on Football after this week:

1. UCF has the worst offense still in the entire country.

2. There really is nobody that can stop UF right now. They are ridiculous and will easily throw up 40+ points on Alabama in the SEC title game.

3. Texas Tech I don't think can beat Oklahoma... but I didn't think they could beat Texas either.

4. FSU... nobody cares.

2008-10-18T19:51:00.001-07:00

I'm honestly a little disappointed that my stupid post about politics got 15 responses, but my last one that was far amazing only got one.

I'm going to take it as you just didn't watch the video yet.

Watch it.

Seriously, you need to watch this

2008-10-13T22:57:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to return to my previous church and take part in a wonderful event. It was called a healing service and it covered all aspects of life. It was a moment where everybody that shared or asked for prayer was honest about an aspect of their life that needs healing that only Jesus can truly provide. From serious physical problems and diseases to very real heart break over finances, relationships, loneliness...etc.

I went that morning to share a song I had written that happened to make sense with the service. I had written the song called "Jesus Come Be" a couple of months earlier and it basically came from the idea that only Jesus can be everything that we truly need. My favorite line in the chorus is: "Come be our love, for we've given everything" and also the bridge that says "Shine... shine through it all, shine through us all".

There is something very strange that contrasts with the successful American Dream way of life where in our weakness Jesus shines brighter than we normally are able to see. Charlie Hall has a new album titled "Bright Sadness" and it portrays the idea that these two things are so opposite, but they come together so strong in Christ.

I drove to Eastpoint that morning a bit tired and expecting church. About ten minutes into the first of 3 services I remembered that Jesus was there. My heart was open and sensitive as average people expressed normal insecurities about themselves and as people shared deep pain in their lives that they needed people to pray for them so that they could see Jesus in those moments.

The following video was a part of one of the church services @ First Orlando, my new church home. There are so many things about this video that are beautiful. To me this is a continuation of the same spirit of the service at Eastpoint. You don't have to watch this, but I would say that it is one of the best videos of all time and you probably will thank me after you do.

You have to click the title of this post to get to the video. It took me way too long to figure out how to do this.

Yes

2008-09-13T21:20:00.000-07:00

I would just like to point out that on my last post I have 15 comments to date. That is the most comments I have ever seen posted on a blog of someone with my stature. Now onto the subject that is more important than politics and abortion:

Football

1. I had Georgia winning by 10 today. Mainly because they seem to have low scoring, close games with Spurrier as the coach of South Carolina. They won by a touchdown and I don't think they are bad for it, but I don't think they will stay #2.

2. USC is sick nasty and Ohio State is sick to their stomach. Seriously, you know it is bad when ESPN, who used to change OSU's diapers, is stating the truth and dogging them big time for being exposed repeatedly in big games and not only not being able to win, but just being embarrassed every time. USC is obviously #1 and if Georgia is #2 then USC should think about playing in the NFL to keep things fair. OSU can kiss playing in championship games goodbye.

3. Mark May on ESPN is a bad analyst. Last week when he tried to interrupt Lou Holtz in the middle of a statement Holtz said, "Oh, let's just ask Mark because he obviously knows everything there is to know about football." Props to Lou for sticking it to the guy and props to Jesus for allowing me to see it.

4. USF keeps pulling these wins out of their butt pads and I honestly respect them now. It wasn't just a fluke here and there, but they are actually a pretty solid mid-major team. Grothe has a lot of heart at QB and I hope they keep winning.

5. Miami coach should stop crying about UF coach Urban Meyer running up the score on him. The week before when Miami was playing a no name school they were up by 35 points with 6 minutes to go in the 4th quarter and on 4th and 6 at the opponents 20 yard line they went for it. So trying to play this card of everybody should feel sorry for us and the recruits will come to UM because they can see ALL THE CLASS that the school has compared to UF should really stop. I believe when you play competitively starting in middle school or at least high school if you don't want the score run up on you then you should play some defense.

6. I feel bad for UCF. They always seem to ALMOST get the break they need to win the big games. It just never pans out. Their biggest problem now is that their offense struggles big time. They are going to have problems when East Carolina plays them.

7. FSU... nobody cares.

8. UF had the day off. They play TN next week and although TN lost to UCLA opening week, this one will be tough. I have been to this game two times at UT and it is a tough place to play. UF has ridic talent on offense, but they seem a little out of synch right now. Big ups for the UF defense who is playing solid against a Hawaii team who spreads it out a lot and against Miami who has some quick players on offense. I have UF by 17 next week over Tennessee.

Weak

2008-09-01T17:12:00.000-07:00

We are less than 3 months away from all of this election drivel coming to an end. There are many things that are annoying about election season, but this small writing is to focus on something that has crossed my mind the last 4 years especially.

The "Religious Right" has given Christians the ability to become ignorant in politics. This whole movement became popular and greatly influenced my thoughts on politics growing up. Basically their main contention is this:

As a Christian you should not vote for anyone who takes a pro-choice stance on abortion.

Obviously there are many more arguments from this group of people involving politics, but this is their biggest and the one that defines their vote.

My response will be numbered:

1. This reasoning allows for incredible laziness. That basically tells people, "don't worry about any issue besides one. If the candidate supports pro-choice, then don't vote for them. It doesn't matter what the other person's stances are on every other subject, if they are against abortion then you should vote for them."

2. Roe vs. Wade happened in 1973. That is ten years before I was born. How long are we going to put all of our chips in that hand?

3. Every conservative candidate that has been on the ticket for the Republicans since Roe vs. Wade has been in favor of allowing abortions in certain circumstances (mainly if the life of the mother is in danger). If I were in a debate and I had the Repubs declaring that it was murder to abort a baby I would easily argue that there is no way they can allow for abortions in certain circumstances because that would still be murder. But you don't hear pastors that bash pro-choice say anything about that. It wouldn't be good for their argument.

4. The last poll on Pres. George W. showed that only 64% of Republicans favored his leadership. That is incredibly low for your own side. But even now if it were George W. vs. Obama or anybody for that matter the Relig Right would still tell you to vote for W. even though you know how terrible of a job he has done. No matter how much money he wants to waste on sending our troops to die for a meaningless cause... abortion would still be more important. No matter how shady and secretive his administration has been... the only thing that would matter would be his stance on abortion and you would still be told to vote for him. That is stupid.

5. This is probably my last point on this. All of this nonsense assumes that God would be surprised if a Democrat won the election... and if that person did then God couldn't carry out His plans for the country or whatever you believe in that matter. Do you really think that religion plays that big of a role in politics? Maybe the church should be under more persecution in this country so we actually have something to fight for. Maybe we should not be allowed to go to church anymore or read our bibles. Maybe then we could actually care about carrying out the plans of Jesus and not think that it all depends on who is in the White House. Maybe we should take more responsibility in our homes and fess up that our families are a mess because of us and not because of Washington.

Nobody wants to take responsibility for anything and that is what is frustrating. We minimize this election to abortion and stupid commercials. McCain is running ads that compare Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears and we laugh even though we know that is weak and stupid. Obama runs a strong and positive campaign and it is hard for us to find things wrong with him. He has integrity, he respects his opponents and he speaks as well or better than Ronald Reagan. So we go back to the abortion issue.

Weak.

Reasons Why The Olympics Are Amazing

2008-08-19T16:17:00.000-07:00

1. At no other point in 4 years would I call my friends at 11pm knowing that they would be awake and we could scream and giggle like little girls over a swimming race that we just watched.

2. I love volleyball. Specifically...guys indoor volleyball. This is the only time that I can watch guys volleyball at 3am by myself and nobody thinks I'm a fag.

3. I wake up exhausted every single day. Yet I feel amazing because I'm an American.

4. My eyes are opened to new amazing things like handball. Then I dream that I will begin the American Olympic team for that sport.

5. I still don't understand what is so great about watching the 100m sprint. But it is so great.

6. Shawn Johnson

Camp

2008-08-10T11:15:00.000-07:00

3 days ago I was white water rafting with some friends and a guide named "Trashcan" in Tennessee. A couple days before that I conquered a huge fear of mine and went down an 80 foot water slide.

2 months ago my former youth pastor asked if I could lead worship at his church's youth camp. I could bring anybody that I wanted to play in a band with me. The camp speaker that week was a guy who was my counselor my first ever camp the summer before I started 6th grade. The schedule at last weeks camp was almost identical to the camp schedule I knew growing up and going to every year until I graduated high school.

I don't think anybody really knew how much I needed a break from my job as a server at a restaurant and just to get away from orlando for a short time. I was feeling as though I was almost useless in my friendships and relationships with people because I was always so fatigued and just unhappy many times due to schedules and not being able to see my wife as much as I have wanted to. I just needed a breath of fresh air.

There are many great things about camp. Rafting, cabins, music, cafeteria food, crazy kids. I used to go to camp to experience some super high emotion and I would relate it to my relationship with Jesus. If I didn't experience that then camp wasn't as good as the previous year. I'm a bit older now and a little wiser, but sometimes I don't allow my heart to be open at all to experiences of any kind. For this trip I just wanted to experience something....anything really. I needed to feel an emotion of any kind and not just continue in the mundane way of life I was growing accustomed to.

As I look back on this last week many things stick out in my mind, but the one that is overwhelming is the thankfulness of real friends. The group of people that traveled with me to TN was made up of people that I think everybody should at least meet once in their lives. I laughed more with these people this week than I have since we found out a year ago that my mom had cancer. I know a lot of people may not think of laughing as super spiritual, but I can tell you that the laughter of last week healed my soul in ways that I cannot express and in ways that nothing else has been able to do. We would sit around in the cabin and play nerdy games like scrabble (which I love and am amazing at) and chess (which I don't understand) and checkers as well. We would just sit and watch youtube videos or just sit around and relax and talk with each other. We had a car packed full of people for a 9 hour drive and although at some points I thought there might be a murder about to take place... we laughed so hard... and it was so good.

We get to split a check 7 ways for leading worship all week at the camp, which isn't a whole lot of money after the split, but it is still nice to get paid for having a blast all week. Yet I feel like even if I could give every person that went with me $1,000 that wouldn't be enough for me to thank them.

I am a quiet guy a lot of times and I internalize so much and people have no idea what is going on or how to help or anything... and mostly I like it that way. But Jesus has a way of knowing everything and he knew that more than needing to feel some spiritual high or anything of that sort that I needed to laugh and I needed to laugh hard. Thank you to everybody that lived with me in a cabin last week. It reminded me of how lucky and blessed I am to know all of those people and that they would take a week to come with me to the middle of nowhere. Some were family, some were friends that are like family, and some weren't even close to either of those statements... but the reality is that they were all like Jesus sitting around laughing with me last week and in an subtle way reminding me that Jesus laughed and He cried and understands because He once was here.

You never hear in the bible about Jesus laughing because it was probably of little importance to the writers, but I often wonder what the sound of his laugh was like. If he wept then I'm pretty sure he had a great laugh.

We live in a moment called "now"

2008-06-24T00:16:00.000-07:00

On Friday after a long day of work my mom talked to Brittany and I over the phone and gave us these words:

"They say if I live for another year it would be a miracle."

I held close to my new wife as she cried and as I thought. I thought about a lot of things in that moment. Mostly they came back to a constant thought of "wow, this is crazy."

My mom cried and I felt her pain. She apologized a number of times, though nothing was she at fault for. She never smoked, had a few glasses of champagne, never did drugs, and always was in good physical shape...and yet here she was...apologizing.

I took the phone as Brittany cried and I listened to my mom talk about how she wanted to do so many things before this all happened. She told me how she had to walk out of a restaurant because the sight of elderly people and babies and happy families was a little too much to deal with after just hearing the doctors prediction.

There are probably many reasons that I did not cry in that moment...not one of them being that I'm a cold hearted bastard. I just didn't cry. It could be that I had expected this to happen for some time. It could be that I was in too much shock to understand the weight of it all. Maybe it was that I felt that it wasn't the right time for me to cry with my mom, but to be gentle and comforting without sounding like a slobbering baby.

If you ever want advice from me you cannot get it if you just tell me the situation in 5 minutes and it be a serious one and then ask me what you should do. 1. I don't know 2. If I say anything I want it to be somewhat intelligent and thought out so that if you take my advice to heart it doesn't lead you into a bad place.

But this time I did not need much time to think about what kind of advice to give my mom. I mean, I can't really heal her and I can't tell her how to heal herself. I had one thought as soon as she told me what the doctor said and that one thought still lingers in my mind and has been reaffirmed by others I believe. This one thought may be why I didn't cry...

"You are alive just the same as the rest of us."

Please don't get me wrong and think that I am saying that I believe that God will heal my mom and that the cancer will go away and that she will be totally fine. Because I don't believe that. Not that I don't believe that God can do that, I'm just not putting my eggs in that basket. What if I'm not supposed to pray for my mom's healing. I mean that IS what I want, but in the garden Jesus didn't get what he wanted. He confessed what it was, but his prayer ultimately was "God do whatever you want". I will easily have Jesus tell God on my behalf that I would love for my mom's cancer to go away...but it is a little easier in some way to just tell God to do His thing in the end. It greatly reduces the disappointment when I don't get my way and I think it's because I didn't pray hard enough or I didn't have enough faith.

Anyways....back to my mom and to the rest of us....we are alive. And we are all going to die. I can't escape it any more than my mom can. Just because a doctor tells my mom she will live another year if she is lucky does not guarantee that I will live another year. You see what I'm saying here? If we focus totally on the future whatever it may be...good or bad...marriage or death...then what the hell is going on right now?

The truth is that the doctor doesn't know the future any more than I do. Again not saying my mom's cancer will be healed if we all pray hard enough...I'm just saying that we live in this moment. A very very bad preacher I heard in high school once said something very very good. He said, "We live in a moment called "now"". And that is the truth. All that you and I have is to build off of the past, not to linger on it...to hope in the future, not to linger on it...and to live right now in this moment that we are a part of.

How much time do we waste wrapping our lives up in this idea that we aren't exactly where we are supposed to be and once we get there God can really use us or once we get there we will be happy or once we get there (fill in your own blank). I would say we probably are in our lives where we are for some reason and God can probably use any of us in any situation, not matter how dull or mundane or normal our lives are. All I have is now. All my mom has is now. She can choose to live now or spend her time now thinking about tomorrow. I can choose to live now or to spend my time thinking about tomorrow.

The problem with tomorrow is that it rarely comes.

Thinking

2008-04-11T23:26:00.000-07:00

So I have been living on my own for a couple of months now. This means that when I am home I don't have to worry about 5 other people and 2 dogs. I don't have cable or even regular channel television and for the first time in a while I am able to relax and think. I am able to process life and my relation to it. And it has been so good.

I am able to sit and in the quietness allow my mind to think and not be distracted by much of anything. My mind usually thinks of three things I have noticed.

1. People

2. Music

3. Jesus

I have plenty of time after getting off work late to wind down and dwell on the beauty of the people that I am blessed to know and also I have time to think about how much I dislike certain people...but graciously God allows me to realize that there are a lot more people that I love.

I dwell on the beauty of getting married in two weeks. My appreciation has grown for Brittany as I am surrounded by the truth of love and the depth of our relationship as I sit and think. I can think of all the things wrong with me and how people can have very valid reasons that they don't like me and Brittany knows all of these things and in them loves me in a way that only Jesus can facilitate.

I think of the greatness of the friendships that I share with people who I understand are so much more valuable than the average person could see. I have this gift of being able to see things about people that I feel like Jesus sees and many miss. I think about those things in my friends and how God uses their gifts to reach into my life and show me His heart. And I am amazed and blessed to know these people and even more so be able to call them friends.

I understand the value of a family that actually loves me deeply...and I think.

Music has this way of reaching into your heart and soul like nothing else. It affects me greatly and for some reason I am allowed to have some musical ability. I listen and I watch youtube videos of performances and I smile because it soothes. I have time to write and to work on songs that come from my heart and I don't have to worry about waking up the family. I can sit and worship like I need to alone and with a free mind.

I have tried to run away from music since I fell in love with it as a child and for the first time I am allowing myself to completely embrace it and go with it and it is impacting my life in ways that are hard to describe. I dream of ways that my music can comfort others. I wonder what could happen if I continue to embrace this gift that Jesus has given me. Not that I wonder about becoming famous or being well known. I wonder could my songs impact others to where they smile or cry or worship at the end of a day...I wonder.

And in the process of all of these thoughts Jesus is continually there and He becomes more clear when I sit and just think about this thing called life. I have always said that Jesus is involved with all aspects of our life, but lately I seem to be believing it much more. I look at everything and all I can think of is how He is consistently loving me through these people and these things.

Sometimes it is so hard to let all of these thoughts wind down and go to sleep. I love thinking.

Forgetting I'd Heard It Before

2008-04-07T23:42:00.001-07:00

After one of those nights were everything sucks and you feel emotionally drained due to the weight of everything I couldn't get this song out of my head that I am helping a friend write. It is based out of Romans 8. I have read Romans 8 many times throughout my life I am sure. I have heard the scriptures in Romans 8 probably A MILLION times. So I went and looked up the verses the song is based off of in the message translation and tried to read them as if I had never heard them before...as if this was the first time I had ever seen these words:

26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

29-30God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.

31-39So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

After I read that I cried.

Don't worry, you don't have to.

Facebook

2008-04-02T09:05:00.001-07:00

For many a moon I determined not to fall into the facebook craze. Now I know that every man falls. I could talk about all the negatives to facebook, but we all know them deep in our hearts...so I'll reach to the positive:

FB reminds me of a blessed life that I have been able to lead. People told me I should get FB to keep up with old friends, but honestly I won't be keeping up with these people. I communicate with current friends around my area via FB. The greatest thing though is just being able to see these people's names and faces that I have not seen for years.

I'm reminded of small moments in high school where a girl named Brooke was so nice to me being the new kid in school for no other reason but that she is just nice to everybody.

I'm reminded of the summers that I was on staff for World Changers and small things like being at training and watching ludacris music videos w/ one of the tech guys. And I see one of the guys that was one of the other music leaders and now is in Iraq and his FB status is "I can't wait to get home"...I know that guy, or I did for a time. And though we haven't talked in over a year I still feel his heart and sympathize with him because I know the kind of guy he is.

Or random people I have met doing a weekend thing at some church somewhere and it reminds me of my story and how blessed I am to be able to ever do any of the stuff I have done over the last 6 years.

I'm trying to become more aware of the beauty of the moments that I live in. I once heard a very very bad preacher say something very good that stuck with me..."you only live in a moment called now".

I don't know how long I'll be able to do the things that I have the opportunity of doing right now. Making music, my friends, where I live could all change drastically in the next 6 years so I'm trying to be more encouraging and more understanding and more patient. I'm definitely failing at the patient thing right now because these spanish jehovahs witness people keep knocking on my door every week and I'm almost over it.

Thank you FB.

My Story

2008-02-29T11:20:00.000-08:00

I grew up in in church my entire life. My mom and dad were divorced at some point while my mom was pregnant with me. Somehow they have always had a descent relationship as long as I can remember. When I was 1 year old my mom remarried and I lived with them growing up and saw my dad every other weekend. I have always had a great relationship with my dad and also my stepdad helped raise me so it was kind of like having 2 dads. My dad also remarried when I was 4 and I have two siblings w/ them that I consider to be just like real sister and brother.

When I was a sophomore in high school my mom and stepdad split up after being married for 15 years. I was always a very shy and quiet kid and kind of internalized how I dealt with everything. My mom and stepdad were always extremely involved in church and taught high school sunday school together and all of that stuff. I was kind of pissed at God because I felt like we did everything Christian we were supposed to and this still happened to us. But we all still kept going to church as if nothing was really wrong.

My mom and I lived together in an apartment for a couple of years as I ended high school. I switched to University HS middle of my junior year for a lot of reasons, but mainly for some type of change. Around my junior year I began to teach myself how to play the guitar. At our youth group worship was being led by these silly music tracks and our awkward youth pastor and I felt like I was supposed to help the situation.

All I really did was sit around and learn worship songs on the guitar and when I was 17 I started leading worship at my youth group having no real idea what I was doing. Aaron played with me then too.

I went on a mission trip called World Changers after my junior year and in the midst of still not liking Jesus very much I felt some type of call to ministry. I am still not sure exactly what that entails because I think all of us are called into ministry as Christians, but for some reason I feel like I am gifted with certain things that maybe makes it possible for me to be in leadership of some sort. And remember I was so shy and could barely talk to anybody.

I believe that God put the guitar in my hands to break out of that shell and be able to communicate with people and to be able to better love people. After my senior year of high school I was able to work in the summers for the World Changers camp as worship leader and last summer I was able to speak at a couple of the camps. I don't say that to try to impress people, but if you only knew how shy I was and how much I didn't really trust in Jesus when I felt a call to do something in ministry...it blows my mind still.

My mom remarried when I was away at the missions camp my first summer after graduating. When I came back I moved in w/ my grandma for a while. Right at the time that I had decided I was going to stop worrying about dating people because it seemed like nobody would fit my complex life and personality...I met Brittany a little over 3 years ago. I believe that Brittany is the greatest person that I have ever met and I am blessed to be able to know her so well. I would recommend that everyone get to know her because they will be tremendously blessed by someone who loves people very well and is a true friend. This past summer we both got to intern at a church up in Maryland all summer and it was beautiful. At the end of the summer on August 8th I proposed to her and we left Maryland a few days later to come back and celebrate with our family here.

On August 15th we found out that my mom had a mass in her body the size of a tennis ball. A rare type of cancer of the adrenal gland that nobody knows much about, but the statistics aren't good. Doctors here wouldn't do the surgery b/c they thought it too dangerous. On September 12th my mom had surgery in Arizona by a small group of doctors who studied the cancer. The tumor had worked its way through many of her veins and somehow by a miracle they were able to get all of the tumor out that day.

She has been on chemo since then pretty hard core. I was speaking at a church back in December and my mom found out that it looked like there was a spot on her liver and was pretty shaken up. They did an ultrasound that week and told her that it turned out to be nothing and to have a good holiday season.

Now the catscan has revealed the spot was something and it has tripled in size since Dec. There are also spots on her lungs and a couple of other places. She cannot get the treatment here but will have to choose from either TX, AZ, or SC and travel there for a week at a time to get the specific chemo treatments. The news is not good.

Her main concern is not ruining the wedding, although that obviously is the last of worries right now. Her husband is not taking it well and is so scared and I don't think he knows how to deal with it. My mom has consistently been positive through this and has shown me the face of Jesus.

I am supposed to be the strong one through all of this for my mom. I will always remember being in the doctors office when they told her she had cancer and it was very serious in a very late stage. I remember the numbness waiting in the hospital for the doctors to tell us if they were able to get all of the tumor. I remember my mom hugging me and crying telling me how scared she is. I know what its like to lead in worship and barely be able to get out the words, "And right now in the good times and bad you are on your throne...you are God alone."

I write this more for myself than anything. I write this so that others can get maybe a more honest glimpse into my life. I don't write this for anyone to feel sorry for me, but rather asking you to pray for my mom. She is a sweet lady and through all of this has shown her co-workers, her friends, strangers, and her family a glimpse of the heart and love of Jesus.

Writing helps me deal with things. If you are reading this please understand with as much sincerity as I can offer, I'm just trying to be real and honest. I don't ever want people to think anything better of me because God has allowed me to stand in front of people and lead worship or teach what the bible says.

Psalms 119:129 "Your testimonies are wonderful; Therefore my soul keeps them."

I look back and at the moments when I am barely able to hold on...His grip has never weakened.

First Reset

2008-02-24T21:40:00.000-08:00

Just to let everybody know in case they were interested:

1. The people I play music with @ Reset are absolutely incredible.

2. On Wednesday I am moving into the apartment that my future wife and I will be living in.

3. I have grown to hate animals in the house...which is surprising to myself because I grew up with a dog that I loved.

4. Now that I have slept on a feather pillow the last couple of years everything else hurts my neck

Reset

2008-02-07T23:56:00.000-08:00

Reset will be starting @ FBC Orlando Feb. 24th.

If you want more info just look up www.resetorlando.com

Hope to see you there.

Things I Will Miss

2008-02-01T00:21:00.000-08:00

So last Sunday was my last day working for my former church. I don't like the word former...it seems negative. And the word "old" sounds old. How about this *by the way I did start this blog with the word "so" I just forgot the .......... that ran through my mind before I kept typing*

Last Sunday was my last day on staff at Eastpoint Fellowship.
(That sounds good)

I thought about it and I have been involved working and getting paid by a church or some religious organization consistently for the last 6 years almost. I think that what most people that haven't worked at a church don't understand as much as those that have is that it is still a job. You still have your good days and your bad...your ups and downs. There are times when you love your job and think there is nothing you would rather do and wish you could do it forever and a day. And then there are times when you hate your job and you hate the people you have to deal with and the stupid hoops you have to jump through. Every pastor ever has felt these emotions if they have been at a place for at least 1 year or maybe even 6 months. Nobody really talks about it though because that might look like we don't love well or our hearts aren't big enough or whatever.

Just like I cannot read into your life and your job and your growth as a person...you will never understand what it was like for me to work at Eastpoint. In a great and positive way I was stretched to my limits and forced to grow up and take on responsibility that I had not seen before and that I was not always sure that I could handle.

In the same way that you know in your heart that it is time to move to another company or to alter how you interact with certain people or how to improve on your relationships and it is just a matter of doing it...I knew that it was my time to leave Eastpoint. And there is nothing negative about it. I believe that I left Eastpoint at the time when the church was the strongest and on the verge of something bigger than anybody on staff could truly comprehend. The excitement and love and energy of a group of people is now at it's highest in the community of Eastpoint.

That isn't when you are supposed to leave though right?

I believe in our hearts God whispers truth in the clearest voice even when it doesn't really make a lot of sense or it doesn't look like the best career move or whatever.

But we know what we are supposed to do.

Now to the topic at hand. There are some things that I won't miss, but today it hit me some of the things I will miss.

I will miss the old people. From my beginning as a 19 year old leading worship there the people over the age of around 55 were the most encouraging and loving and supporting of me on a consistent basis. Before I started I feared that we would have nothing in common...musically or socially. But I found the gentleness and patience of the Father in their eyes and their hearts as week after week they have hugged me and given me words of wisdom and encouragement. Sometimes they smell funny. On occasion I thought that I had done something that had really touched their hearts and I saw them tearing up as they talked to me...only to realize later that it might be glaucoma."

"Why are you crying mam?"

"Whaat?

"Are you ok...why are you crying?"

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

"Never mind...thats ooze. See you next week."

Funny, but I will really miss them. I have grown to love them dearly.

I will miss people like Michael Barton. I still have memories as a little kid seeing his basketball card collection and talking about how amazing Jordan was. He would come up to me pretty much every week after service and chit chat for a little. No matter if we talked Gators or how my mom was doing I felt so comfortable and knew he was supportive of me. One time him and a man named Antonio knew that I wanted to know this wall out on stage that was taking up wasted room and they did took it upon themselves to do it and do a great job. They weren't looking for recognition. They just wanted to help out. That meant more to me than anybody can ever know.

I will miss people like Charlie Fish. He is seriously one of the nicest guys and most willing to help I have ever met. He does so much for the church that nobody knows about and he does it so well. Such a blessing to the staff and he probably doesn't realize it.

I'll miss hanging out with the little kids in the nursery during the 2nd service and holding the babies.

I'll miss waking up at 6:30am every sunday with a great attitude and having to warm my voice up from the moment I get out of bed to my blinding drive east so I can hit the notes on "Famous One". Just kidding. I'll never miss that.

This is way too long. But it is starting to sink in a little bit. I love the people at Eastpoint and will miss being a part of that church...but I am excited about joining Jesus' work in another section of orlando for a more focused age group.

Why I Hate/Love Political Season

2008-01-27T23:02:00.000-08:00

This time of season brings out what people really care about. They tell you what is important in an election and that is who they will vote for...blah blah blah.

The reason that I hate listening to conservative radio talk show hosts like Rush and Sean Hannity is because they are GREAT manipulators, but rarely ever allow for the truth to come out. If you watch any interview or listen to any on the radio from the Hannity guy he does not allow opposing views the chance to speak their point of view. 5 years ago I liked him. Now he has turned into a total ass like Bill Oreily.

One thing that you always hear from these guys is how we need a "Reagan" President. One of the highlights of this that I always hear mentioned is a president who loves and believes in God.

So when Obama first began to run way back in the day you had all of these stupid emails being forwarded around about how he was an extreme muslim and terrorist basically. That he hated God/Jesus and would lead our country "astray" because Muslims hate America. By the way if you ever forward me anything I will block you from emailing me forever. If someone spent 5 minutes of research on their own instead of listening to these idiot radio hosts you would know that this is not even close to true.

So now we are looking like there is a strong possibility that Romney could win the nomination for the Repubs. But what do you hear nothing about??? That he is a mormon. So the mormon religion does not exactly believe God/Jesus thing the way Protestant or Catholics do. Kind of like the Muslims don't exactly believe the God/Jesus thing. If you find any emails about how Romney is going to ruin this nation because of his religion you can forward those to me. Probably not that many out there. Because the belief in God/Jesus to the conservative voters really never was as important as they made it out to be. If it was than HuckleChuckle would have dominated. The conservative voter just wants a conservative...mormon or whatever. It's close enough to Christianity right???

The final point that I would make is that I would never vote for anybody based on what religion they claim and neither should you. I am not going to take my car to a "christian mechanic" or have my home built by a "christian construction company" simply because they are christians. I want the best job on my car or my house or leading the country done by someone who can do the job the best...muslim, mormon, christian, athiest. Yes I am sure that there are some policies that could be influenced by a person's religious beliefs, but they are not going to dominate politics.

Therefore, Christians it's ok to side with Romney if you want to and not be afraid or worried about the mormon thing. Just don't start spouting off about how all Muslims want to kill all of us if its Obama and Romney in the finale. Because then I will have to make the strong case that mormons hate Jesus. Of course neither of those are true.

Obama is my guy. Religion or even political party does not matter. On the issues and as far as his character I say he is the one person that makes me the most comfortable. Its ok if you don't agree. I'm voting for a terroritst.

10 Things You Probably Don't Know About Me

2007-12-27T20:28:00.000-08:00

10. I really like "Il Divo"...to the point I bought a DVD of theirs. I prefer when they sing in Spanish. Il Divo seriously is amazing.

9. I really enjoy sitting around and planning out my budget in my off time. Just writing numbers over and over on a scratch piece of paper and scribbling and starting again.

8. Although I hate country music, Diamond Rio is the greatest band of all time. Not just a good band or one good thing from country music. But literally the greatest band of all time. I believe that it will be Diamond Rio playing just about any song they want as I am entering heaven.

7. I've never really liked Easter. I know that sounds bad because of my position and all. It has nothing to do with the meaning behind easter. I just hate eggs, and dying them w/ vinegar, and having to hunt for them, and bunnies, and having to dress nicer than any other time of the year for no apparent reason.

6. I have incredible hearing but for some reason running water in the sink always takes my ears' full attention and I cannot hear what anyone or any tv station is saying until the sink is turned off.

5. I have never been in a fight before. I am afraid that if one day I do engage in hand to hand combat that I will uncontrolably kill the other person who will be the receiver of all of my rage from birth until that moment in time. I hope for my sake I don't ever get in a fight.

4. On occasion I like to smoke.

3. My sense of humor is sometimes very odd. I find things funny that just shouldn't be funny. Not naughty or vulgur things, but things that just aren't funny to a majority of people I think are hilarious.

2. I think that I could be a great piano player and feel as though I am a great piano player. The only problem is that I have never really done anything to practice the piano so that I can grow into my natural born talent.

1. I'm not too concerned with my "career". I don't really want to be defined by what I do, but rather by who I am and who I am becoming. You might know that about me already though. You might mistake it for being lazy or not having a plan. But you might be wrong.

:(

2007-11-25T18:54:00.000-08:00

I am really sad that football season is coming to a close. It really is my favorite time of the year.

Still Taken Back

2007-11-20T20:14:00.000-08:00

I stood in line on my lunch break at the Chick-Fil-A at the mall wearing my t-shirt that says, "Cancer Sucks". I kind of wish that I could wear it every day because I always get responses from people. Even the meanest looking people in the world will break the ice around their chin and smile towards me when passing.

The young lady behind the counter smiled when it was my turn to order and her eyes centered on my shirt and she looked up with a matter of fact smile and said, "It really does suck!"

"Yes it does." I smiled back... slightly more focused on how long had my combo #1 been sitting under the heat lamp than starting a conversation about cancer with a stranger.

"Where did you get that shirt?"

Typical response to try and let the person know without making it sound like I want them to feel sorry for me..."From the hospital where my mom had surgery." This time I made sure go give a gentle smile and look her in the eye. This was not so much me being nice, but rather to make her aware that I was doing fine. And before she could respond I added that I would like a number 1 with a diet coke. And I said please at the end of it. Very nice tone too I might add.

"How is your mom doing now," asked another person in line next to me. This lady was probably in her late 50's and seemed nice and genuine. At this point I realized I would have to engage myself in actually communicating with another human being and I told her that my mom was doing pretty good and that the surgery went very well (The girl behind the counter was holding my bag of food and listening to me...I was sooooooooo hungry).

The lady next to me then began to break my heart as she told me her story. She had lost her mother and her husband to cancer. Her 29 year old daughter had been fighting cancer for 3 years and cancer was winning the battle. Tears filled her eyes as she told me they just found out that it had spread to her daughter's brain, liver, kidneys, and spine. Her daughter had about 2 months to live.

When you kind of understand a person you know what kind of responses they DO NOT want to hear. They don't want to hear that it will all be ok. I simply asked what her daughter's name was and I asked what her name was. I said, "I'll tell you what Sandy. This week I will make sure to pray for you and Maria (her daughter)."

Sandy looked up at me and began to cry and was trying to apologize. Of all the things I would have wanted to happen the last one on the list did...

I began to cry.

And then we hugged as though we were family and we cried together.

WTF?

Something had happened in such a short time and the weight of everything knocked us into each other's embrace and we spoke to each other with only tears.

It wasn't loud and we didn't drag it out. And NO we did not kiss at the end. But it was so insane and exactly what I needed at that moment in the middle of the line at Chick-Fil-A in the freaking mall.

I turned back to get my bag of food and the girl behind the counter had tears in her eyes and she said, "thank you" in a very heartfelt way as if I had done something really meaningful. She handed me the bag and in a simple statement said that her brother had cancer and good luck to me and my family.

I walked away not feeling embarrassed in any way. That happened a week ago and I still think its rather odd that I stood in the public and hugged and cried with a late 50 year old woman whom I had met 45 seconds prior. I find it even more odd that I don't really care and I sat down to eat my chicken sandwich and somehow felt relieved.

I have no real comment on why it happened or what exactly it meant to me or why it matters at all.

I just needed to share a true story that I can hardly still believe.

Life Lessons From Sean

2007-10-23T19:16:00.000-07:00

Every time that I begin a blog the first word that I type is "so..." and then I go back and erase it. But that has nothing to do with anything.

Thursday night I was watching the USF football game with my friend at Chilis. We were seated at the bar in front of their beautiful HD television when I heard and could not help but notice the guy that was seated next to me.

Sean looked, talked, and acted like Eminem. Come to find out he was 33 years old (He looked about 25). He had brought his 13 year old daughter to Chilis that night with him to sit at the bar. The funny thing (I should say that one of the many funny things) I realized immediately was that Sean talked to his daughter like I figured that he would talk to one of his buddies. Imagine the most hyper ghetto fabulous white guy hanging out with all his black friends and cracking jokes about everything. This was going on between Sean and his daughter.

I first wrote Sean off as one of the biggest losers probably of all time. I mean, what 33 year old talks like that and dresses like that and especially to his daughter? Although Sean was a loser in my mind...he could make anybody laugh. Pretty much anything he said was hysterical and it was even more funny because of the situation. One of my favorite parts was when he was watching the game and the USF player trucked a Rutgers player and Sean stood up and said:

"Daaaaaaaaaaaamn, that boy coulda killed anybody....dis nigga(as he pointed to me)...dis nigga(as he pointed to the black lady near him)...and even dis huge nigga(pointing to the manager on duty)."

Now thats just funny.

Anyways as we watched the game you couldn't really help but talk to Sean.

Long story short Sean was one of the most honest people I have ever met. He has one of the best relationships with his daughter (even though nothing I could ever say would make you believe that) and even more so had some incredible advice.

My friend and I are both engaged and we started talking to Sean about it. He basically questioned us to see if we really loved our fiances and then told us that he could see it in our eyes and our smile and proceeded to offer some of the best encouragement about marriage I have gotten.

It was all so insane, seriously.

But Sean turned out to be a lot cooler than the loser that I had originally pegged him to be. He was a lot funnier than you could imagine. He was a lot smarter than his attire supposed. He was a lot kinder than his tattoos suggested. And he cared a lot more about people than I did.

Its so odd sometimes the people that God uses to reveal His character through. If I truly believe what I say than I do believe that every person reveals the character of God in some way even if they don't know it or even if they don't want to. If we are made in the image of God than little things like being nice, or making people laugh, or odd people who can look past your stereotypical eyes and still want to talk with you...reveal the heart of God.

Sean is a crazy guy and I'm glad we met.

And I kinda like Eminem for reasons I do not know.

2007-10-13T18:16:00.000-07:00

"Your church's target is non-believers therefore it is NOT a church.

This whole notion about churches targeting the un-churched is absurd and unbiblical.

Also, who cares if you guys feed the poor etc. The mormons and the muslims both do that. We will see none of them in heaven because they don't believe the one true faith."

The statement above I read just a moment ago on a website. The website is devoted to tearing down churches and pastors. Of course, the ones who have started the site and who do all the bashing claim to be Christians themselves.

The original post was a church member who was so angry that the pastor of a church didn't preach a typical resurrection message on easter Sunday. The church did have a Good Friday service, but stayed in their series on Sunday morning on how Jesus is involved in the dysfunction in the home. The original post was from an anonymous church member who asked everyone to pray for the church because it was being led astray by the pastor who did not care about the gospel.

Another member of the church responded to this page long rant and explained that he really loved the church and that Jesus had changed a lot of lives through the messages of the pastor and the ministry (feeding the poor) of the church. He was not angry or mean or hateful. He simply stated how God has used the church in a great way in a lot of people's lives.

This obviously sent anonymous over the edge and he HAD to respond and continue to degrade the church by telling them it wasn't a church and all this stupid crap. I posted just a small segment of his response because this is the kind of statement that makes me angry and sad and frustrated at the same time.

His statement about, "who cares if you feed the poor..." totally ridiculous. I would say that the starving kids who got to eat that day care. And I would say that Jesus cares too. I believe that Jesus has been in the process of restoring humanity and redeeming all things from the beginning of time. I think when the Muslims, Mormons, Jews, Christians, and Atheists feed the homeless that Jesus cares because I believe He is involved with all of it.

Nobody will ever agree on how church is supposed to be done. But nobody should ever believe that Jesus is too small to change lives in any setting with any pastor and any sermon or act of service. Every church has something to offer no matter how bad you don't want to believe it. Every person has been gifted by God and can be used by God no matter how much you hate the way they do things.

What would it look like if we spent more time focusing on what churches do well and building on that instead of sitting around wasting our energy talking, blogging, complaining about how bad and how wrong churches do things?

The statement at the beginning of this comes from a person who wants to be right more than they want to see Jesus.

And that makes me sick.

And want to cuss the guy out for being so ignorant.

But I won't.

Connecting in a small(big) way

2007-10-05T18:22:00.000-07:00

Today I went into Subway to get a turkey sub w/ honey mustard (fat free) on wheat bread. I am on this journey called getting in shape and it hasn't been too bad actually. I already feel better physically from working out and eating better. But the 3-4 O'clock hunger is pretty intense.

Anyways, I walk into Subway to get my meal, or what I used to call a snack. No chips or even apples...or EVEN soda. Just a sub and water. I am wearing a shirt that I got from my mom that says, "CANCER SUCKS" in huge letters across the front. She got one for me from the hospital in Arizona where she had the surgery. The girl behind the counter (a.k.a. my sandwich artist) asked me if my shirt said anything on the back and I told her no, just that cancer sucks and that was really all it said. She smiled a little and began to make my turkey sandwich and said "I really like that shirt."

She then told me that cancer really did suck and I agreed. I told her I got it from my mom and she told me that her mom also had cancer. She asked some details about my mom and I kind of let her talk. I didn't really want to ask her any questions because she seemed comfortable just talking and I wasn't sure if her mother was still alive. After asking me if I wanted the meal or just the sandwich she kind of sighed and said that she understands how hard that it can be and the last couple years have been rough for their family. She didn't say it trying to make me feel sorry for her, but rather it seemed that she was showing me sympathy. It was a lot more honest and heartfelt than the gentleman at my church that told me, "It's OK Jason, God's got it all under control...there's nothing to worry about."

I disagreed with his assessment.

As I paid for my meal I told her thanks for my meal and the conversation. I ate my sub and as I opened the exit door I looked back because she had smiled and said "Good luck" across the restaurant.

Her and I understand each other. We don't know each other at all really. We might never speak again. But I think she might remember my shirt and remember our short conversation. Maybe she will be reminded that there are others that are experiencing similar situations to her and that she is not as alone as she may think.

It was a great 75 second conversation that I believe Jesus smiled at.

Same Song Different Melody

2007-09-30T20:59:00.000-07:00

Even if I am good at creating what we know as a “worship service” I am not sure that I am fully convinced that what I know as a “worship service” is worth much of anything sometimes. The few times that I have truly felt totally connected with a group of people through worship in singing have been in the dirtiest places. The last time was with a group of random strangers on a smelly farm in Africa singing “Not To Us” to an out of tune guitar. In any other setting while “leading worship” the only thought on my mind through the entire song would have been that my B string was flat. Yet at that moment I did not give a damn that all six strings were not even close to the right tuning. I can remember so clearly how the words of that song resonated from the dirt in my toes to the bugs in my hair.

We sang…and the words were real…

I cried…and it was honest…

I felt peace…and it was never so relaxing as in that song as far away from home as I had ever been.

I realized that night that I sing that song all the time and I am content with great music. I am softened by the harmonies and I am enthused by the sound of the kick drum on the cut out of the chorus…”Not to us…(doom doom) but to Your name…” And when the song ends I am proud of the talent and how much better my voice has gotten over the last few years and all the effort that went into making that song sound just like the recording! Yes…way to go Jason!!! And I can softly say in my own head, “God is so good”, and that justifies the fact that it is all about good music. Its not all about me, because that is too cliché and old and everybody has heard that. It is not even about the style of music. It is simply about good music. That music touched my soul. And the reason that I know that it is about good music is because I would not have felt the same in my heart after the song if my B string was out of tune, or if I was just slightly off vocally. But that cold night in Africa in the middle of the mountains and under the stars… my heart was louder than my voice or guitar.

What does that say about the worship services I lead on a regular basis? I don’t know. I know that in Africa I worshipped through singing in a very real way. I didn’t even have to make it seem real, it just was. I know that when I sing “Not To Us” in church I am hoping that the words are true, but in the middle of actually doing something in a country I am not from, I didn’t have to hope. The words were not forced, but honest. And it stemmed from the fact that I was actually doing something to better the lives of other humans. Rather than just trying to make good music. It was honest worship. And every time I lead and think that it was good…I remember that out of tune guitar and 15 of us gathered lifting our hearts desperate to tell God how thankful we were that He loved us enough to let us do some good for others.

Cancer + My Mom = Love Unearthed

2007-09-24T16:03:00.000-07:00

The title of my blog is, "Understanding That I Don't Know It All". There are things, however, that I do know a lot more about than most people. I know A LOT about how to dominate in sports video games. I know a lot about how to fix your wireless router so that your internet is accessible throughout your house. I know the right way to treat a toll-booth worker. I even know how to make really really good boiled peanuts.

Then there are the things that I know quite a bit about that few people will ever know anything about at all. They are my secrets. They are the things that have kept me from sleeping. They are the things that if you knew about me you probably wouldn't like me as much. You might not like me anyways, but if you think you know me very well...I have things that are so hidden in my heart that even those close to me would never understand...even I don't understand.

Cancer is terrible. Struggling through cancer with someone you love is beautiful. Cancer in my mom has been absolutely exhausting. Emotionally there is nothing to quite pinpoint exactly what you are feeling. Yet through the wreckage love has overshadowed everything else. I love my mom and am able to freely show it now more than I ever have before. Love not only covers a multitude of sins, but also fear. My mom and I have been more focused on loving each other than being afraid. Believe me, we have been very scared...but I can honestly say that we have loved a lot more than we have been sitting around worrying about what is next.

Now more than ever my own heart has validated what my mind has been telling me lately, that I am supposed to love somebody where they are. I cannot love somebody based upon their actions or what I hope they turn out to be like, for that is their choice and not mine. My only chance of being close is to completely and without hesitation love the people in my life well. The only thing that gets in the way of that is the fact that I allow my expectations of people to determine how much I care about them and how much effort I am willing to put into loving them. The reality is that I have disappointed everybody at some time in my life that is close to me.

What would the world look like if we chose to love well?

Journal Entry Over The Summer

2007-09-19T07:29:00.000-07:00

There are moments in life when we breathe in the scent of hope. And often times it is in the middle of the ordinary. A thunderstorm had knocked the power out in several houses in the area. My friend’s dad had just gotten home from the hospital that day after being out for about 10 days following surgery. He has pancreatic cancer and I sat with his two children in the dark living room with just a battery operated lamp closing in on midnight. No other lights or even a humming of power. In the faint background some type of alarm system was beeping at a high pitch. Maybe it was the stillness and the quiet…maybe it was the lack of television or something else to avert our attention…maybe it was the fact that their father had just gotten home that day from being in the hospital for too long…

Whatever it was…it was a sacred moment.

As we laughed…I got the sense that they would be ok.

In that 20 minutes or so all we had was each other and some dying cell phones and it was more than enough.

Hope filled this dark room that had seen pain and tears in the last two weeks greater than ever before. We laughed at the “Cancer Sucks” buttons they had purchased at the hospital and in the laughter there was happiness.

I am learning to take in those experiences and not let them pass. I don’t overanalyze EVERYTHING, I promise. But there was just something about that moment that was holy.

As if God was right there in that room …

Laughing with us…

Hurting with them…

And understanding exactly what we needed at that moment.

I don’t believe there was anything super theological that we or I was supposed to pull from the living room that night. I just believe that for a few minutes God allowed the pain to be subdued and replaced with the warmth of love. And I believe those two friends of mine who have been overcome with the stress of their dad having cancer were allowed to just breathe easy. Just relax. And the scent of hope filled that room and it was so needed.

"Ministry"

2007-09-17T19:14:00.001-07:00

The question asked of me lately is "What do you want to do ministry?"

The question is asked because I am at that place in my life where apparently I am supposed to have an answer of exactly what I am going to do for the rest of my life. The question is asked by people after they ask me what my next step is in a job and I don't answer, "I'm going to work in a church somewhere full time." The question is asked by people who love me and know me well and by people who know that I lead worship and nothing more.

Has ministry become a job?

Has ministry become compartmentalized into sections such as youth or music?

The only response that seems to make sense to me is "What do you want to do in ministry?"

not a big fan of emotional roller coasters

2007-09-14T07:16:00.000-07:00

It was a month ago tomorrow that we found out my mom had a large tumor mass the size of a tennis ball near her kidneys. The following day we found out that she was possibly already in stage 4 of Adrenocortical Carcinoma. That is the technical term for having cancer of the adrenal gland. It is a rare form of aggressive cancer that only 1 in every 1.5 million people get. This all took place a week after Brittany and I became engaged.

I have no idea if I will ever be able to explain, even to myself, what kind of emotional roller coaster this has been. Brittany and I were in Maryland this summer interning at a church and we had the blessing of feeling like we completely fit in with the people up there. We made incredible friends over the course of 11 weeks and honestly it was very hard to leave. I have had the privilege of being gone 4 out of the last 5 summers and getting to know wonderful people through camps and internships now. Through this I know that when you leave a place that you feel extremely used by God it is very lonely when you return home. You feel as though it is somewhat a let down...that somehow God will not be able to use you in such a strong way. These feelings are very real and very strong and this is what I was preparing to deal with when I returned home. Our engagement occurred at the end of our time in Maryland and was easily the best day of my life. So there were two opposite feelings at the same time going on. I was incredibly glad to share and celebrate the engagement and also I was dealing with missing the place and the people I was with all summer.

I will never forget the look on my mom's face when the radiologist told us that she had cancer and it was in stage 3 and possibly even 4. Even now as I type this, that memory deeply saddens me. Usually people loose a lot of weight and you know that something is very wrong and the diagnosis of cancer is still devastating, but not extremely unexpected. My mom looked totally normal, however. She had a few symptoms that lead her to figure out what was going on in her body, but 2 days before that moment I would have said my mom is doing great. In that moment everything that I thought was hard that I was dealing with (missing Maryland) became obsolete.

In this last month some of my best friends of my life have experienced very deep and heavy burdens like never before. Guys that I love and would consider family all hurting due to jobs, diseases, relationships...everything. We have all experienced things that we never have before and pain that we have never known...all at the same time. In some way it has been a little comforting. I can be a real idiot sometimes and so can my friends, but in this last month all of those things mattered so little. All we wanted was each other. And I usually wouldn't say that sentence or type that because it sounds really gay, but in this time of our lives it fits. We didn't care about stupid things we've done in the past. We didn't have to be doing anything fun. We just needed to know that we were there, that we are there.

It has been a crazy month. It has been so ugly and so beautiful at the same time.

And if my heart and flesh are weak
To bear an untried pain,
The bruised reed He will not break,
But strengthen and sustain.