Depth

Brittany and I did something today that we never done before together.

We went to a church where we didn't know anybody.

I wasn't filling in for anyone doing music. My wife and I decided to go to church out of curiosity. We had both worked about 11-12 hours the day before and were extremely tired. But we set the alarm and got out of bed in the morning because we felt like it would be a good thing. It is a rare time when both of us have sunday mornings off and we visited a place knowing that we wouldn't see anybody that we knew.

My desire was that we would learn something. That someone would teach something from the bible that would give us a bit of a deeper insight into what God is like. You might be surprised to know that I really don't care a whole lot about what the music sounds like when I attend a church that I am not familiar with. Seriously, I don't really care. I once visited a church where the person leading the music prayed something like, "These are just notes, but you are God and we want you to speak to our hearts today" sort of conceding to the fact that he knew that the music about to be played wouldn't be a wonderful sound. I remember that it wasn't, but that it seemed so sincere that I wasn't as concerned with the bass player missing half the notes as I usually was.

I long for depth more than anything else.

And honesty I guess.

So we arrived to find out that the pastor and regular person that leads the music were on a mission trip and there was a family who was in charge of all aspects of the service.

On the drive to church I prayed to myself simply hoping that I wouldn't be so cynical this time. I was genuinely wanting to attend church and longing for something real and not an experience or entertainment. I have entertained churches and christians so many times with my music and unfortunately I have manipulated people's emotions on more than one occasion so that they would leave feeling something that I knew wouldn't last more than 6 hours. I really didn't want to be a part of that, but this time as an observer. I came with an open heart and mind wanting to learn.

After about 30 minutes into the service I found myself wondering how much more of this I had to sit through. And that saddened me in a way that I cannot explain. I mean, really really made me uncomfortable. I didn't want to have those feelings. It had been so long since I had just gone to church to go and for no other reason.

The sermon/message/talk...whatever is popular to call it these days was a very good attempt to make people "feel good". The main subject of the 45 minutes of one man speaking was pain and how to deal with it.

It makes me sad to say that I am so angry as I think about it now and type this out. I don't want to be "that guy".

I am trying to figure out exactly how to explain the situation without sounding like I am trying to bash the man that was preaching/teaching/speaking...

I felt like I was in some type of self-help Tony Robbins course that was occasionally laced with bits of biblical reference. The subject was pain and I have known quite a bit over the last two years. This should have impacted me greatly and helped me move on because "...pain is the fuel for our souls!"

Instead I felt so cheated...

I could write so much more. I just deleted a bunch of stuff because it wasn't worthwhile to what I am really trying to say.

What I am trying to get across is that in my heart I am not too concerned with emotions at church. How the music makes me feel or how the person talking wants me to feel is not really that important. What I long for is to learn more about God. It doesn't have to be from a professor at a seminary. I am just asking that it isn't from the school of Tony Robbins. No matter how good intentioned a man may be in his preparation of a 45 minute speech at a church, it comes across as shallow to me when the bible is just a bit of support to the message they are trying to get across.

The message that was taught today was very helpful for a lot of the people it seemed. Many there seemed to really enjoy it.

That bothered me even more.

What I needed in the midst of pain that is still very real to me was insight into the character of God. I needed content, not emotion. I needed Jesus, not formulas.

This was a quote that I wrote down that was displayed on the screen for us to see/write down:

"Shadows are not as big as they seem."

Thanks.

I didn't need a scholar. I could have used someone simply putting this verse on the screen and talking about it and the situation surrounding it for about 10 minutes at least.

"Jesus wept."

I long for more than dribble. I know that sounds so pious and snoody of me. I honestly don't want to come across as that way. I really just want to learn more about Jesus.

Being away for so long has brought that desire into my heart.