I Always Wondered What This Would Be Like

On Tuesday evening May 5th I walked into my grandmama's back door not knowing exactly what I was going to say or what my mom was going to say or if I was going to break down emotionally or come across as too stern because I was hardened by the fact that cancer had taken its toll on my mother.

I entered the door and heard crying immediately. I took a left and 20 feet away my mom was understandably almost hysterical as she sat on the bed and cried. I walked in and my uncle said, "She knows, Jason". I leaned over to hug my mom and through the massive tears she uttered...

"I know that I'm dying..."

A sigh from me, "I know."

I sat down next to her and I held her hand. I don't remember the last time that I held my mom's hand for something other than praying before a meal.

She asked how long had I known and I simply replied, "For a while."

We talked about many things...

"Was I a good mom?"...

"On your break from church did you find the answers you were looking for?"...

"What will you tell your kids about me?"...

"What have you thought about my cancer over the last year and a half?"...

"What do you want to pursue in your life?"....................................

I will always remember this conversation. Literally, always. I believe that even when I am in heaven I will talk to my mom and we will say something like, "...that was such a great conversation..."

I told my mother at the end of the conversation that for Mother's Day she had to accept my gift. I told her that Brittany and I were going to change our vacation plans and instead of traveling to San Francisco and Lake Tahoe and be with her wherever she wanted. She chose the beach and I made plans the next day to spend the following week at New Smyrna with her and her husband and my wife. People have said things like, "that is a really great thing that you did for your mom", but I consider it more common sense. I mean, who wouldn't do the same thing?

So I rented the condo from Saturday May 9th to Saturday May 16th. My mom and her husband Darold arrived at the condo on Saturday and after working Sunday Brittany and I joined them.

Monday was a great day. It was obvious that my mother's health had quickly gone downhill since I had last seen her. So we carried her down to the beach and she enjoyed a day in the sun watching us play in the waves and throw the frisbee. There is something so simple and great about throwing the frisbee at the beach. It makes me wonder what other simple things that people get to experience around the world in their own environments that I will never get to.

I knew that my mom was not doing well as she was not really eating. Literally she was only eating a few peanuts a day and possibly an Ensure drink. The alarming thing was that she was throwing up far more than she was taking in.

Tuesday she looked much worse. She was also becoming less responsive. She was zoning out when I would talk to her and it was almost like she wasn't even there at times. But around 1pm she seemed as close to herself as she could be. Her and I talked for about two hours at that point. I knew that that would be the last "real" conversation we would have. We talked about so many things in between me changing her "puke pot" out for a new one. She said she felt that death was coming on quick. She told me how proud she was of the person I had become and that I had exceeded the great expectations that she had for me. She told me what she wanted me to sing at her funeral, if I could. We talked about heaven and what we thought it would be like. My mother expressed to me that she was no longer worried about Brittany and I, but that she was still concerned about her husband and leaving him behind and alone and sad. We discussed how she would have a great legacy in my kid's eyes unlike her dad who was a loser. I remember that I almost broke down and cried when I told her that I would miss a mother's pride in her son and a love that extended beyond all faults. God, it felt like we talked for days.

Wednesday was one of the worst days of my life. My mom asked to go down to the beach again, but shortly after she was carried down she began to throw up everywhere. Immediately she began to cry and repeatedly say how sorry she was. Brittany had never seen her get sick like that and was upset. Darold was beginning to realize this was the end. And I was there feeling like I was trying to oversee everything and everyone and at that point I didn't know what to do or say. I went back inside to hang out with my mom and she was still crying saying that she was ruining my vacation and that she was so so sorry.

I just hugged her. I then went to the bathroom and sobbed harder than I had in years. My mother was physically almost unrecognizable. Her skin was a dark yellow along with her eyes. She threw up 5 times as much as she was eating/drinking. She could barely walk from the bed to the bathroom. And she was the one apologizing to me.

Even now as I write this I cry.

She spent the rest of that Wednesday in bed. She didn't want to talk really. She couldn't eat anything.

I talked to my uncle and he and my grandma decided that they should come out to the beach to actually look at my mom. Remember it was just a week ago that my mom was sitting up having a conversation with me. She had looked bad then, but by now she looked ten times worse. When my uncle and grandma arrived we knew right away almost that we needed to get her back home. She was dying and needed to be the most comfortable. We packed up around midnight and left needing to get my mom home so that she could die in a comfortable place in peace.

Today it was difficult to look at my mom. Her body lay in bed somehow still looking worse than before. I spoke to her and told her that Brittany was making a big dinner for the entire family and asked her if she wanted me to sing a few songs to her afterwards. In the loudest voice she had she said yes and nodded her head.

After dinner I went home to get my guitar and wondered what this was going to be like. I came in and it was very dark in the bedroom. I sang to her for probably around an hour. I sang old hymns, songs that I had written, and more contemporary songs. I am not sure how I got through it, but I did. And I could sense the grace and love from God flowing through the music in between my mother and myself.

I sang the song that she asked me to sing at her funeral at the end. "I Bowed On My Knees And Cried Holy". At the end of the song I quit playing and within two seconds her arms were stretched out towards me as she was lying down and she was loudly saying, "thank you, i love you."

I always wondered what this would be like. The final days have been full of tears, aching, helplessness, pain, love, peace, comfort, laughter....the list goes on and on.

You realize how many things that we esteem as "important" are so very not.

You understand that there will never be anything like a mother's love.

You are reminded of the reality of the fact that you must be very clear with yourself on what you believe about faith/heaven.

I will always remember that my mom had to battle a rare type of cancer that was more than devastating to her body. More than that, I will remember how our relationship evolved in the final 21 months of her life. We put away childish differences and loved each other the way that God always intended for us to.

For a while I hated that God had allowed this to happen.

While I will never fully understand or pretend to, I am thankful for many of the things that happened in my relationship with my mother that would have never happened without this cancer.

My mom probably has just a few more days.

But the memories will last forever.