Honesty

Something happened tonight that has not happened in a long time...

A few posts ago I wrote about how I was taking a break from church to focus on my relationship with God. A relationship that I believed to be severely overshadowed by my relationship to church (and the money I made for it).

I thought that in my post I was being very clear that my intent was not malicious in any way towards anything or anyone, but rather an honest and in depth look inside of myself. I am a genuinely quiet person about serious things and sometimes this blog is a way for me to try and express myself how I could not or would not want to vocally. So that post was me doing my best to be honest and real and help you understand where I am coming from.

Of course I knew that some people would not understand, not because of anything wrong with them, but rather because I am wired very differently than some and I know that no matter how I portray my own heart that there will be those that will not get it.

I want to thank you if you posted anything as a response to that post. Other people who did not respond in writing had some very demeaning and negative things to say about what I wrote in that post. People that I consider friends. And that hurt. It hurts more that those people still have not said one word about it to me, whether it be concern or discouraging. They decided to make remarks to my wife when I wasn't there.

My advice to anyone who reads this. If somebody opens themselves up and becomes vulnerable in any fashion, make sure that your priority is to let them know that it is ok to be honest. More than trying to give them advice or more than trying to let them know why they shouldn't think or say things. Just listen (or read) and whatever your response is.... let it be humble.

All of that out of the way... I told Brittany the other day that I believe that God is working in my heart. I think that is a very cliche and cheesy way of saying it, but I don't care about trying to make it sound cool or modern because those of you reading know what I mean. A bunch of small things that I don't need to go into detail of have helped me see that God is in the process of softening my heart. My heart has been very hard and calloused for such a long time and I have grown so cynical.

If we believe that we have a relationship with God then I believe that I am in the process of restoring that relationship. I know that technically that might not be theologically correct to the tee, but I hope you understand what I am saying.

In light of these things, something happened tonight that has not happened in a long time...

I cried.

I cried for my sins.

I cried for my mom.

I cried because I miss Jesus.

And I cried because I am not sure of what to think of God these days.

This is now me being honest. If you respond to this blog please don't comment or try to give any advice on what I am about to say. I believe that this is kind of like a journal and the only reason I write down honest struggles for others to see is that I believe it is healthy for everyone.

My mother has been extremely sick lately. She has not been able to go back to work. She is continuously throwing up, almost to the point of having to go to the hospital because she didn't know what else to do. The pain near her liver, where tumors are, is so intense that she can barely sleep at night. I know it is very bad because my mother is not a big complainer and can take pain pretty well.

I wish that I could just say that I'm trusting in God because Rom. 8:28 says all things work together for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purposes. But I cannot. I don't believe that specific verse is garbage, but I do believe it is garbage when somebody quotes that to make somebody like me try to feel better. "You just have to trust Him..." If your mom,dad,spouse,friend, child gets cancer and is in the state my mom is in and somebody throws that verse out expecting it to save the day you will find that you want to punch that person in their face. Believe me, I completely understand that people have the best intentions.

I can clearly recall just a short time ago, before my mom started this journey, that I was on the other end listening to a close friend who's dad had pancreatic cancer and was about to go under for surgery that could end his life. I had no idea of what they were going through, but in the back of my mind I tried to convince myself that I could understand. I told that person the only thing I knew to say was that I believed that God was big enough to handle their anger, hurt, frustration, pain, questions. I think that many Christians are not able to handle those things, thus people commenting to Brittany about my blog and how I shouldn't have said those things.

So here I am. I am angry with God. There are moments when I wonder if there is a God to be angry at. My mom is a pretty decent human being compared to most people that I know. I don't believe that people deserve cancer, but I know a lot of people that have lived a long time and who have treated their bodies far worse than my mom who are living with no cancer. I know angry and mean people who are living with no cancer.

And then anger turns to hurt and sadness. I know that God's ways are "above mine" and all of that kind of stuff, but this is my mom. It hits home in a very real way this time. I know that God doesn't "owe" me anything, but surely the divorce when I was 16 was enough. That took quite a while to get through. But this seems absurd. I know that it sounds so childish, but I cannot help but wonder why. The bigger picture that I cannot see will never be worth it to me. I know that Job got a lot more stuff after all of his original stuff was finished off, but I don't think Job would have ever said it was worth it. I think he was grateful and felt he owed everything to God, but to loose all of your children? Having more doesn't take away the loss.

This has been a very long post and it probably could have been much more well thought out. But I needed to write down exactly what I was thinking without holding back or editing.

I am in the process of restoring my relationship with God. It is a strange and unique time. I don't know where it is going to lead. That scares me a little.

I do feel that somehow God is holding all of this together. I do feel that He loves me.

I am just hurt and saddened by God...

But I do miss Him...