As I sit and think about taking down the Christmas decorations the old song from Counting Crows keeps running through my mind.
"A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last..."
I'm not sure what everybody else thinks about when the end of the year rolls around, but I have a feeling that at some point most people take a few minutes or so to reflect on the year and the desires they have for the year to come.
This will be my final blog on this website. Although there have been a variety of topics in my blog, the main underlying theme in my heart every time I signed on was what was going on with my mom and how it was affecting me. This is why I haven't been able to write much since my mom died in May.
The story is over for you. And I get that. Things happen to people and our friends have something tragic happen in their lives and after the finality of the situation (i.e. death) we move on and rarely think about it because it isn't "our" situation. It has been over 7 months since my mom died.
Unfortunately for me I have a fantastic memory. It is a great thing sometimes, but not always. I can remember silly small things and conversations from when I was in the third grade. So something as heavy as losing my mom only 7 months ago...every day I think about our final days together....our final conversations...her sick cancer making her look like someone I never knew.
In June it would have been her 50th birthday.
In July it was my "spiritual birthday" and she was the only one who knew and every year would send me an email about it. No email this year.
In September I turned 26 and it was the first time I did not get a phone call of my mom singing happy birthday to me. How silly that call sounded every year until it didn't come.
Thanksgiving came around in November and that was always the holiday that was spent with my mom. There was no need to go to her house this year.
Christmas in December. I was at the grocery store getting decorations for Christmas cookies. Last year my mom wrote down for us her homemade recipe of Christmas cookies. As I fumbled through the green and red colored sugar I felt an incredible wave of sadness and emptiness hit and I looked both ways to make sure nobody was in the same aisle and I cried very hard for about 10 seconds before trying to wipe my eyes and make it to the checkout counter. Again, no need to go to my mom's house. No need to call her on Christmas. No seeing her at the Christmas Eve service at church.
For me 2009 was month after month, day after day, of subtle and not-so-subtle reminders that for as long as I live I will never again see/talk to/communicate in any way with my mom.
There have been some bright moments, but as I reflect on this year and look back my heart is broken once again.
I am broken once again.
This is from Deuteronomy 4:
29-31 "But even there, if you seek God, your God, you'll be able to find him if you're serious, looking for him with your whole heart and soul. When troubles come and all these awful things happen to you, in future days you will come back to God, your God, and listen obediently to what he says. God, your God, is above all a compassionate God. In the end he will not abandon you, he won't bring you to ruin, he won't forget the covenant with your ancestors which he swore to them."
You should read the entire chapter. Other versions start out the first sentence "But from there you will seek..."
"From there" refers to some pretty bad things. Much worse than anything I have gone through. But from where I have been, I am ready to seek God.
Last December I posted a blog about how I was taking a break from God. Now I am ready look for him with my heart and soul. I am very serious about it too.
This is the transition into my new blog. The reason that I must retire this one is because of the reasons that I have mentioned. Every time I sign on I am reminded that this was started to help me cope with my mother having cancer.
My new blog will be written by myself and my best friend. It will chronicle our daily search for God. I believe that the whole earth is filled with the glory of God and I believe that I do a pretty awful job of allowing my heart to be open to that. In some ways this year has made me very tender towards God. In other ways, this year has calloused my heart towards him. I don't really know how to articulate that.
We will not be writing a daily devotional. I would hate that. I am not going to try to be inspiring every day because that is not my goal. My goal is that my eyes and my ears and my entire soul be opened up to the character of God through every day occurrences. God isn't confined to bible passages and devotional books and sermons. I want to seek after his heart in everything that I know. If you want to read along you are welcome to. I will post the link to the new site in a few days.
Until then.
There's reason to believe...
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
26
I turned 26 years old on the 26th of September.
Here are 26 memories I have of my life that I will never forget.
In no particular order:
1. I remember Jan 1, 1988 thinking how fast 1987 had gone by.
2. When I was 3 years old I hated a kid named Aaron that I met at church. He was the best man at my wedding.
3. I remember my dad being bigger than me. I miss that sometimes.
4. Cheating on eye exams knowing that I was incredibly blind. I had the board memorized. Until one day the "E" was a "D" and I could barely see it. I got glasses that week in the 7th grade.
5. Tearing up when Elliott Yamin was eliminated from American Idol. That was the best season ever.
6. I remember the one time that I was cut from trying out for a sports team. It was a summer league. I was so pissed.
7. The doors opening at the chapel and seeing Brittany in her wedding dress. I still can't describe what that felt like.
8. The first Gator game I remember going to. My dad took me and my neighbor Sean to see UF play South Carolina. We ate fried chicken and threw the football and my dad drank Budweiser. I dropped a pass from my friend and a SC fan said, "that's whats gonna happen today!" The Gators won by over 30 points.
9. Riding bikes to elementary school with my cousin Casey. One day on the way home I cut her off/she tried to run me over. My back tire rubbed her front one and she fell and scarred her elbow forever. I felt terrible/awesome at the same time.
10. My first cell phone. It was a sony ericsson and I believe I had around 100 minutes or so. It was for emergencies only and for my mom being able to contact me at all times I wasn't at home.
11. My first "B". I made straight A's until the 6th grade computer class when Mrs. Butts gave me a B. Now I am awesome at computer stuff and she is probably dead.
12. Having braces. Twice.
13. When my mom and stepdad told me they were getting a divorce after 15 years of being married.
14. I remember being in a church service where the music was absolutely terrible and the guy that preached was so boring, but I still felt that God was somehow trying to tell me something very important. That made me rethink a lot of things.
15. I remember standing behind the pulpit at a very conservative church because my button on my pants broke. I spoke for about 15 minutes wondering how I was going to be able to get out of there after I was done before anybody could see my undies.
16. The first R rated movie my parents let me rent was "The Fan". It had Robert Deniro and Wesley Snipes. It was about baseball and so I thought it couldn't be too bad. To this day it was one of the most vulgar movies I have ever seen.
17. Singing a song at my mom's funeral with her casket just feet in front of me. She had requested me to sing the specific song just a couple weeks earlier.
18. My dad working as a waiter at Charley's Steakhouse till 2am and then delivering Auto Trader's just a few hours later in the early morning to provide for our family. He did that for almost 2 years after 9/11 had ruined his business.
19. Sitting on our balcony on the honeymoon cruise drinking champagne with my new wife. Wondering how I got this lucky.
20. Getting my first and only referral in middle school from my bus driver Mr. Ramos. He said Aaron and me had thrown soda cans on the bus and trashed it. Our principal, who we were friends with, threw the referrals in the trash can.
21. Getting a nintendo entertainment system for a birthday having no idea that video games would be such a huge part of my life
22. Having my first drink.
23. Getting a Taylor 310ce acoustic guitar from my mom for a graduation present after my senior year of high school.
24. When getting great white shark in Shark Bites was my main concern in the day.
25. My first car was a '95 Eclipse with a turbo engine. Somehow I never got a speeding ticket in that, but when I gtot a 2000 silver Neon the cops loved to pull me over.
26. Being bigger than everyone my age in the 6th grade.
Here are 26 memories I have of my life that I will never forget.
In no particular order:
1. I remember Jan 1, 1988 thinking how fast 1987 had gone by.
2. When I was 3 years old I hated a kid named Aaron that I met at church. He was the best man at my wedding.
3. I remember my dad being bigger than me. I miss that sometimes.
4. Cheating on eye exams knowing that I was incredibly blind. I had the board memorized. Until one day the "E" was a "D" and I could barely see it. I got glasses that week in the 7th grade.
5. Tearing up when Elliott Yamin was eliminated from American Idol. That was the best season ever.
6. I remember the one time that I was cut from trying out for a sports team. It was a summer league. I was so pissed.
7. The doors opening at the chapel and seeing Brittany in her wedding dress. I still can't describe what that felt like.
8. The first Gator game I remember going to. My dad took me and my neighbor Sean to see UF play South Carolina. We ate fried chicken and threw the football and my dad drank Budweiser. I dropped a pass from my friend and a SC fan said, "that's whats gonna happen today!" The Gators won by over 30 points.
9. Riding bikes to elementary school with my cousin Casey. One day on the way home I cut her off/she tried to run me over. My back tire rubbed her front one and she fell and scarred her elbow forever. I felt terrible/awesome at the same time.
10. My first cell phone. It was a sony ericsson and I believe I had around 100 minutes or so. It was for emergencies only and for my mom being able to contact me at all times I wasn't at home.
11. My first "B". I made straight A's until the 6th grade computer class when Mrs. Butts gave me a B. Now I am awesome at computer stuff and she is probably dead.
12. Having braces. Twice.
13. When my mom and stepdad told me they were getting a divorce after 15 years of being married.
14. I remember being in a church service where the music was absolutely terrible and the guy that preached was so boring, but I still felt that God was somehow trying to tell me something very important. That made me rethink a lot of things.
15. I remember standing behind the pulpit at a very conservative church because my button on my pants broke. I spoke for about 15 minutes wondering how I was going to be able to get out of there after I was done before anybody could see my undies.
16. The first R rated movie my parents let me rent was "The Fan". It had Robert Deniro and Wesley Snipes. It was about baseball and so I thought it couldn't be too bad. To this day it was one of the most vulgar movies I have ever seen.
17. Singing a song at my mom's funeral with her casket just feet in front of me. She had requested me to sing the specific song just a couple weeks earlier.
18. My dad working as a waiter at Charley's Steakhouse till 2am and then delivering Auto Trader's just a few hours later in the early morning to provide for our family. He did that for almost 2 years after 9/11 had ruined his business.
19. Sitting on our balcony on the honeymoon cruise drinking champagne with my new wife. Wondering how I got this lucky.
20. Getting my first and only referral in middle school from my bus driver Mr. Ramos. He said Aaron and me had thrown soda cans on the bus and trashed it. Our principal, who we were friends with, threw the referrals in the trash can.
21. Getting a nintendo entertainment system for a birthday having no idea that video games would be such a huge part of my life
22. Having my first drink.
23. Getting a Taylor 310ce acoustic guitar from my mom for a graduation present after my senior year of high school.
24. When getting great white shark in Shark Bites was my main concern in the day.
25. My first car was a '95 Eclipse with a turbo engine. Somehow I never got a speeding ticket in that, but when I gtot a 2000 silver Neon the cops loved to pull me over.
26. Being bigger than everyone my age in the 6th grade.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Kanye vs. Joe
I don't think that I need to rehash the events of Kanye West (rapper) and Joe Wilson (congressman) from the last week.
I can't tell you what you "should" have felt towards both people, but I can give you a taste of what I felt.
Kanye is a man consumed with himself and this isn't the first time that this has happened. Kanye has a platform to write whatever he wants in his music to express whatever he feels about anything. Yet he still feels the need to make an ass of himself in front of the camera and in the process ruins somebody's day. This time it happened to be Taylor Swift. If you don't like it, then write a song about it. When a person is accepting an award and especially when it is one of their FIRST awards, nobody cares about Kanye at the moment. But he cannot let that happen. He must be at the center of attention even if everyone else in the building is paying respects to someone else. Kanye has some fans that will love everything he does and are blinded by their allegiance to him. He also lost some fans the other day.
Joe Wilson acted like an undisciplined child on the biggest stage in politics. I can remember in speech classes the #1 rule is that you make no comments during the speech and if you weren't going to pay attention, then you make sure that you aren't being distracting. If you didn't follow these simple rules of respect you got an F on your next assignment. That was 9th grade. Many of the congressman were holding up signs during the speech and this person decided it was ok to yell out during the speech. The one giving the speech happened to be the President. If you don't like what the Pres has to say then give a speech about it or write an article about it after the fact. Some people are so blinded by their allegiance to the republican party that they will love anything that these people do. But Joe lost some fans the other day.
Here is a link to Kanye showing up on Jay Leno last night and apologizing on national TV:
http://www.thejaylenoshow.com/video/clips/kanye-west/1157073/
I have no idea how sincere it is. Honestly, Kanye has done this so many times the only thing he can do is shut up for a long time. But at least he took his bath and made an apology in front of millions and says he wants to apologize in person to Swift.
Link of Joe talking about apologizing:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/13/wilson-i-wont-apologize-a_n_284894.html
Notice the difference in both videos.
Both of these men are very similar even though they probably both hate each other. It is odd. We are losing our common sense. It isn't a political issue. It isn't an issue of pop culture. What Kanye did is make that ok for someone in the future to do. What Joe did is make that ok for someone in the future.
Dumb.
I can't tell you what you "should" have felt towards both people, but I can give you a taste of what I felt.
Kanye is a man consumed with himself and this isn't the first time that this has happened. Kanye has a platform to write whatever he wants in his music to express whatever he feels about anything. Yet he still feels the need to make an ass of himself in front of the camera and in the process ruins somebody's day. This time it happened to be Taylor Swift. If you don't like it, then write a song about it. When a person is accepting an award and especially when it is one of their FIRST awards, nobody cares about Kanye at the moment. But he cannot let that happen. He must be at the center of attention even if everyone else in the building is paying respects to someone else. Kanye has some fans that will love everything he does and are blinded by their allegiance to him. He also lost some fans the other day.
Joe Wilson acted like an undisciplined child on the biggest stage in politics. I can remember in speech classes the #1 rule is that you make no comments during the speech and if you weren't going to pay attention, then you make sure that you aren't being distracting. If you didn't follow these simple rules of respect you got an F on your next assignment. That was 9th grade. Many of the congressman were holding up signs during the speech and this person decided it was ok to yell out during the speech. The one giving the speech happened to be the President. If you don't like what the Pres has to say then give a speech about it or write an article about it after the fact. Some people are so blinded by their allegiance to the republican party that they will love anything that these people do. But Joe lost some fans the other day.
Here is a link to Kanye showing up on Jay Leno last night and apologizing on national TV:
http://www.thejaylenoshow.com/video/clips/kanye-west/1157073/
I have no idea how sincere it is. Honestly, Kanye has done this so many times the only thing he can do is shut up for a long time. But at least he took his bath and made an apology in front of millions and says he wants to apologize in person to Swift.
Link of Joe talking about apologizing:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/13/wilson-i-wont-apologize-a_n_284894.html
Notice the difference in both videos.
Both of these men are very similar even though they probably both hate each other. It is odd. We are losing our common sense. It isn't a political issue. It isn't an issue of pop culture. What Kanye did is make that ok for someone in the future to do. What Joe did is make that ok for someone in the future.
Dumb.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Oh The Controversy
http://www.whitehouse.gov/MediaResources/PreparedSchoolRemarks/
Either click the title of this post or copy and past the above link and read the speech.
As I have said before, if Ronald Raegan gave this speech then there would be no controversy.
Most everybody that I heard making a big deal over this had not yet read the speech. They probably still haven't.
Read it. It is inspiring. I hope that when I have a child that the president then would be able to openly talk to my son or daughter in the same manner about education.
Either click the title of this post or copy and past the above link and read the speech.
As I have said before, if Ronald Raegan gave this speech then there would be no controversy.
Most everybody that I heard making a big deal over this had not yet read the speech. They probably still haven't.
Read it. It is inspiring. I hope that when I have a child that the president then would be able to openly talk to my son or daughter in the same manner about education.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Back To School
I can remember growing up that on the first day of school every year my mom would wake me up singing a line, "Up in morning and off to school.... Teachers are teaching the golden rule...." From Kindergarten through my senior year of high school she woke me up like that. So annoying.
Tonight was my first day of school in a couple of years. I am taking two courses this semester. One is an online course, Professional Writing. The other is once a week on Thursday nights and it is Criminal Justice Systems. I have to take some upper elective courses and so these two interested me more than anthropology and other things similar.
The campus has changed so much in just two years. As I waited outside of the classroom a friend of mine who is younger than me saw me and we talked for a couple of minutes. He is in his last semester. I am not.
My class is an upper level elective class so most of the people aren't that much younger than me, but still some of them looked like they were in middle school.
Most of all sitting in class reminded me of the time when I was in class the most a few years back. It reminded me of the days when I only worked 15-20 hours a week and spent most of the time in between classes hanging out with my roommates.
Late nights. Good friends. Some not so smart decisions. And some great ones.
I believe that I do a pretty decent job of "living in the moment" and not taking for granted what is happening right now. I wouldn't say that my first few years of college were the best years of my life, but they sure were a lot of fun. I would take being married to Brittany over living with the guys any day, but I will always look back on those couple of years with the guys as being some of the best moments of all time.
So I raise a toast to my old roommates and the fact that I don't ever have to deal with living with them agian.
Tonight was my first day of school in a couple of years. I am taking two courses this semester. One is an online course, Professional Writing. The other is once a week on Thursday nights and it is Criminal Justice Systems. I have to take some upper elective courses and so these two interested me more than anthropology and other things similar.
The campus has changed so much in just two years. As I waited outside of the classroom a friend of mine who is younger than me saw me and we talked for a couple of minutes. He is in his last semester. I am not.
My class is an upper level elective class so most of the people aren't that much younger than me, but still some of them looked like they were in middle school.
Most of all sitting in class reminded me of the time when I was in class the most a few years back. It reminded me of the days when I only worked 15-20 hours a week and spent most of the time in between classes hanging out with my roommates.
Late nights. Good friends. Some not so smart decisions. And some great ones.
I believe that I do a pretty decent job of "living in the moment" and not taking for granted what is happening right now. I wouldn't say that my first few years of college were the best years of my life, but they sure were a lot of fun. I would take being married to Brittany over living with the guys any day, but I will always look back on those couple of years with the guys as being some of the best moments of all time.
So I raise a toast to my old roommates and the fact that I don't ever have to deal with living with them agian.
Pretty Dumb
Plaxico Burress:
Takes a gun into a nightclub and accidentally shoots himself in the leg 2mm away from his femoral. 2mm away from killing himself.
He gets two years in jail.
Michael Vick:
Runs a pretty sick (not in a good way) dog fighting ring. Tortures and kills animals.
He gets 23 months in jail.
Dante Stallworth:
Runs a man over with his car. In his statement to the police he said he honked the horn and flicked the lights at the man. Apparently he had time to do that, but not to slow down. He has enough money to get a cab to take him home.
He gets 30 days in jail.
Pretty dumb.
Takes a gun into a nightclub and accidentally shoots himself in the leg 2mm away from his femoral. 2mm away from killing himself.
He gets two years in jail.
Michael Vick:
Runs a pretty sick (not in a good way) dog fighting ring. Tortures and kills animals.
He gets 23 months in jail.
Dante Stallworth:
Runs a man over with his car. In his statement to the police he said he honked the horn and flicked the lights at the man. Apparently he had time to do that, but not to slow down. He has enough money to get a cab to take him home.
He gets 30 days in jail.
Pretty dumb.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Depth
Brittany and I did something today that we never done before together.
We went to a church where we didn't know anybody.
I wasn't filling in for anyone doing music. My wife and I decided to go to church out of curiosity. We had both worked about 11-12 hours the day before and were extremely tired. But we set the alarm and got out of bed in the morning because we felt like it would be a good thing. It is a rare time when both of us have sunday mornings off and we visited a place knowing that we wouldn't see anybody that we knew.
My desire was that we would learn something. That someone would teach something from the bible that would give us a bit of a deeper insight into what God is like. You might be surprised to know that I really don't care a whole lot about what the music sounds like when I attend a church that I am not familiar with. Seriously, I don't really care. I once visited a church where the person leading the music prayed something like, "These are just notes, but you are God and we want you to speak to our hearts today" sort of conceding to the fact that he knew that the music about to be played wouldn't be a wonderful sound. I remember that it wasn't, but that it seemed so sincere that I wasn't as concerned with the bass player missing half the notes as I usually was.
I long for depth more than anything else.
And honesty I guess.
So we arrived to find out that the pastor and regular person that leads the music were on a mission trip and there was a family who was in charge of all aspects of the service.
On the drive to church I prayed to myself simply hoping that I wouldn't be so cynical this time. I was genuinely wanting to attend church and longing for something real and not an experience or entertainment. I have entertained churches and christians so many times with my music and unfortunately I have manipulated people's emotions on more than one occasion so that they would leave feeling something that I knew wouldn't last more than 6 hours. I really didn't want to be a part of that, but this time as an observer. I came with an open heart and mind wanting to learn.
After about 30 minutes into the service I found myself wondering how much more of this I had to sit through. And that saddened me in a way that I cannot explain. I mean, really really made me uncomfortable. I didn't want to have those feelings. It had been so long since I had just gone to church to go and for no other reason.
The sermon/message/talk...whatever is popular to call it these days was a very good attempt to make people "feel good". The main subject of the 45 minutes of one man speaking was pain and how to deal with it.
It makes me sad to say that I am so angry as I think about it now and type this out. I don't want to be "that guy".
I am trying to figure out exactly how to explain the situation without sounding like I am trying to bash the man that was preaching/teaching/speaking...
I felt like I was in some type of self-help Tony Robbins course that was occasionally laced with bits of biblical reference. The subject was pain and I have known quite a bit over the last two years. This should have impacted me greatly and helped me move on because "...pain is the fuel for our souls!"
Instead I felt so cheated...
I could write so much more. I just deleted a bunch of stuff because it wasn't worthwhile to what I am really trying to say.
What I am trying to get across is that in my heart I am not too concerned with emotions at church. How the music makes me feel or how the person talking wants me to feel is not really that important. What I long for is to learn more about God. It doesn't have to be from a professor at a seminary. I am just asking that it isn't from the school of Tony Robbins. No matter how good intentioned a man may be in his preparation of a 45 minute speech at a church, it comes across as shallow to me when the bible is just a bit of support to the message they are trying to get across.
The message that was taught today was very helpful for a lot of the people it seemed. Many there seemed to really enjoy it.
That bothered me even more.
What I needed in the midst of pain that is still very real to me was insight into the character of God. I needed content, not emotion. I needed Jesus, not formulas.
This was a quote that I wrote down that was displayed on the screen for us to see/write down:
"Shadows are not as big as they seem."
Thanks.
I didn't need a scholar. I could have used someone simply putting this verse on the screen and talking about it and the situation surrounding it for about 10 minutes at least.
"Jesus wept."
I long for more than dribble. I know that sounds so pious and snoody of me. I honestly don't want to come across as that way. I really just want to learn more about Jesus.
Being away for so long has brought that desire into my heart.
We went to a church where we didn't know anybody.
I wasn't filling in for anyone doing music. My wife and I decided to go to church out of curiosity. We had both worked about 11-12 hours the day before and were extremely tired. But we set the alarm and got out of bed in the morning because we felt like it would be a good thing. It is a rare time when both of us have sunday mornings off and we visited a place knowing that we wouldn't see anybody that we knew.
My desire was that we would learn something. That someone would teach something from the bible that would give us a bit of a deeper insight into what God is like. You might be surprised to know that I really don't care a whole lot about what the music sounds like when I attend a church that I am not familiar with. Seriously, I don't really care. I once visited a church where the person leading the music prayed something like, "These are just notes, but you are God and we want you to speak to our hearts today" sort of conceding to the fact that he knew that the music about to be played wouldn't be a wonderful sound. I remember that it wasn't, but that it seemed so sincere that I wasn't as concerned with the bass player missing half the notes as I usually was.
I long for depth more than anything else.
And honesty I guess.
So we arrived to find out that the pastor and regular person that leads the music were on a mission trip and there was a family who was in charge of all aspects of the service.
On the drive to church I prayed to myself simply hoping that I wouldn't be so cynical this time. I was genuinely wanting to attend church and longing for something real and not an experience or entertainment. I have entertained churches and christians so many times with my music and unfortunately I have manipulated people's emotions on more than one occasion so that they would leave feeling something that I knew wouldn't last more than 6 hours. I really didn't want to be a part of that, but this time as an observer. I came with an open heart and mind wanting to learn.
After about 30 minutes into the service I found myself wondering how much more of this I had to sit through. And that saddened me in a way that I cannot explain. I mean, really really made me uncomfortable. I didn't want to have those feelings. It had been so long since I had just gone to church to go and for no other reason.
The sermon/message/talk...whatever is popular to call it these days was a very good attempt to make people "feel good". The main subject of the 45 minutes of one man speaking was pain and how to deal with it.
It makes me sad to say that I am so angry as I think about it now and type this out. I don't want to be "that guy".
I am trying to figure out exactly how to explain the situation without sounding like I am trying to bash the man that was preaching/teaching/speaking...
I felt like I was in some type of self-help Tony Robbins course that was occasionally laced with bits of biblical reference. The subject was pain and I have known quite a bit over the last two years. This should have impacted me greatly and helped me move on because "...pain is the fuel for our souls!"
Instead I felt so cheated...
I could write so much more. I just deleted a bunch of stuff because it wasn't worthwhile to what I am really trying to say.
What I am trying to get across is that in my heart I am not too concerned with emotions at church. How the music makes me feel or how the person talking wants me to feel is not really that important. What I long for is to learn more about God. It doesn't have to be from a professor at a seminary. I am just asking that it isn't from the school of Tony Robbins. No matter how good intentioned a man may be in his preparation of a 45 minute speech at a church, it comes across as shallow to me when the bible is just a bit of support to the message they are trying to get across.
The message that was taught today was very helpful for a lot of the people it seemed. Many there seemed to really enjoy it.
That bothered me even more.
What I needed in the midst of pain that is still very real to me was insight into the character of God. I needed content, not emotion. I needed Jesus, not formulas.
This was a quote that I wrote down that was displayed on the screen for us to see/write down:
"Shadows are not as big as they seem."
Thanks.
I didn't need a scholar. I could have used someone simply putting this verse on the screen and talking about it and the situation surrounding it for about 10 minutes at least.
"Jesus wept."
I long for more than dribble. I know that sounds so pious and snoody of me. I honestly don't want to come across as that way. I really just want to learn more about Jesus.
Being away for so long has brought that desire into my heart.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Reaching For More
Next month I will celebrate my 26th birthday.
I have been reevaluating a lot of things in my life lately.
I have been coming to the conclusion that there are certain things that I MUST do before I die. Dreams that I have had since I was a teenager that I have a deep sense that I need to fulfill.
One might refer to these things as a bucket list. If you watched the movie "The Bucket List" you understand that most of the incredible things the two gentlemen did were in the last year of their lives. That is all well and good, but I would like to incorporate my list into my entire life.
I believe that things are so much more attainable than we are willing to believe. When I think about these 25 years that have been my life I realize that I have pursued in a responsible, yet sometimes reckless enough manner to achieve some incredible things that I never thought possible.
I have worked in an orphanage in Africa.
I have hiked a glacier in Alaska.
I own season tickets to the Florida Gators football games. 50 yard line. 39 rows up. In the shade.
I recorded an album and made money from it. And I actually liked my album even though I usually hate listening to myself.
I was the keynote speaker at a week long camp in Philadelphia. The goal of the camp was that over 300 high school students from different parts of the US would come and be a part of rebuilding and renovating homes in a poor area of the city. At night all of the students and adults would listen to what I had to say. The crazy thing was that a lot of the people acted like they couldn't wait for me to speak the next evening.
I am a waiter at a restaurant. I kind of hate it, but I always thought that I would be good at it and I have had the chance to accomplish that.
I married someone that is cool and that is hot.
I have built a snowman.
I once had a conversation in American Sign Language with a stranger as a result of me taking classes for it.
I write these things out because I believe that I could look at my life and think of how boring it is. I could sit around and feel stuck in my job and that I am not useful. But the truth is that our waves do come. They just don't come every single day or every month. It has taken many years for these dreams to become a reality, but they have become just that.
I understand that we all grow a little hardened and calloused as we get older, but I don't want to be the person that is miserable as a result of that.
I don't want to let go of my dreams just because I haven't reached another one in the last year or two.
One of my goals since I was a kid was that I always wanted to go to Hawaii. The older I got I realized how expensive that would be and that I wasn't sure how I could do that and not feel like I had just wasted a ton of money on myself.
Now I work for Hyatt Hotels. It isn't an amazing job and a lot of times it makes me into a person that I don't want to become, but there are things about it that are pretty awesome. So next August I have booked for my wife and I free rooms at 3 different Hyatt Resorts on 3 different islands in Hawaii.
The rooms are $400 a night to the average joe. For us they will cost nothing. I don't feel that bad about it either. I work all the time and very hard so that my wife and I are at peace with our finances and also so that we are able to be married. She does the same and more. So for a reward for barely seeing each other for the first 2 and a half years of our marriage we are going to spend 2 and a half weeks in one of the most beautiful places that I could imagine going and we are going to be able to do that saving quite a bit of money.
It is funny how dreams become a reality. I kind of hate my job. But the rewards can be outstanding.
What dreams do you have that you have given up on?
What is there deep within your sould that you feel that you MUST do?
I feel like we could reach for more if wanted to. Maybe we are afraid of failure or things similar, but I think if we looked at the things that we have already accomplished we will realized that our dreams aren't that far from being a reality. The fun part is that most of the time we have no idea how things worked out in our favor. We just knew we had to do something and it got done.
Hold on to those dreams. We live once. I am 26. I will contine to grow older until I stop breathing. I feel pretty satisfied out how my life has turned out so far and the amount of things that I have been able to accomplish. But I don't want to stop there.
There is so much out there and there is so much within us.
What if we just believed that we could do some incredible things and then focused on them when they actually happen?
I have been reevaluating a lot of things in my life lately.
I have been coming to the conclusion that there are certain things that I MUST do before I die. Dreams that I have had since I was a teenager that I have a deep sense that I need to fulfill.
One might refer to these things as a bucket list. If you watched the movie "The Bucket List" you understand that most of the incredible things the two gentlemen did were in the last year of their lives. That is all well and good, but I would like to incorporate my list into my entire life.
I believe that things are so much more attainable than we are willing to believe. When I think about these 25 years that have been my life I realize that I have pursued in a responsible, yet sometimes reckless enough manner to achieve some incredible things that I never thought possible.
I have worked in an orphanage in Africa.
I have hiked a glacier in Alaska.
I own season tickets to the Florida Gators football games. 50 yard line. 39 rows up. In the shade.
I recorded an album and made money from it. And I actually liked my album even though I usually hate listening to myself.
I was the keynote speaker at a week long camp in Philadelphia. The goal of the camp was that over 300 high school students from different parts of the US would come and be a part of rebuilding and renovating homes in a poor area of the city. At night all of the students and adults would listen to what I had to say. The crazy thing was that a lot of the people acted like they couldn't wait for me to speak the next evening.
I am a waiter at a restaurant. I kind of hate it, but I always thought that I would be good at it and I have had the chance to accomplish that.
I married someone that is cool and that is hot.
I have built a snowman.
I once had a conversation in American Sign Language with a stranger as a result of me taking classes for it.
I write these things out because I believe that I could look at my life and think of how boring it is. I could sit around and feel stuck in my job and that I am not useful. But the truth is that our waves do come. They just don't come every single day or every month. It has taken many years for these dreams to become a reality, but they have become just that.
I understand that we all grow a little hardened and calloused as we get older, but I don't want to be the person that is miserable as a result of that.
I don't want to let go of my dreams just because I haven't reached another one in the last year or two.
One of my goals since I was a kid was that I always wanted to go to Hawaii. The older I got I realized how expensive that would be and that I wasn't sure how I could do that and not feel like I had just wasted a ton of money on myself.
Now I work for Hyatt Hotels. It isn't an amazing job and a lot of times it makes me into a person that I don't want to become, but there are things about it that are pretty awesome. So next August I have booked for my wife and I free rooms at 3 different Hyatt Resorts on 3 different islands in Hawaii.
The rooms are $400 a night to the average joe. For us they will cost nothing. I don't feel that bad about it either. I work all the time and very hard so that my wife and I are at peace with our finances and also so that we are able to be married. She does the same and more. So for a reward for barely seeing each other for the first 2 and a half years of our marriage we are going to spend 2 and a half weeks in one of the most beautiful places that I could imagine going and we are going to be able to do that saving quite a bit of money.
It is funny how dreams become a reality. I kind of hate my job. But the rewards can be outstanding.
What dreams do you have that you have given up on?
What is there deep within your sould that you feel that you MUST do?
I feel like we could reach for more if wanted to. Maybe we are afraid of failure or things similar, but I think if we looked at the things that we have already accomplished we will realized that our dreams aren't that far from being a reality. The fun part is that most of the time we have no idea how things worked out in our favor. We just knew we had to do something and it got done.
Hold on to those dreams. We live once. I am 26. I will contine to grow older until I stop breathing. I feel pretty satisfied out how my life has turned out so far and the amount of things that I have been able to accomplish. But I don't want to stop there.
There is so much out there and there is so much within us.
What if we just believed that we could do some incredible things and then focused on them when they actually happen?
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Home
I have thought long and hard on how to articulate this post. I confess that nothing that I say gives justice to the topic. On the topic of Heaven I write not as a theologian, nor do I write as a man of faith (whatever you think that means). My knowledge of what the religious scholars and books of the bible say about this place is smaller than I can begin to describe, and if you could see into the depths of my heart you would understand that my faith is many times microscopic compared to what I think that I know.
I write as a son who has watched death slowly but surely take his mother down a road that I wish no one else to follow. I write as a friend who, from a distance, has traveled the same journey of close friends who just this past Sunday held a memorial service for their father. I write as a spectator who watched along with around 1/6th of the population of the world the memorial service for one of the greatest entertainers of all time.
Smokey Robinson stated so well what, I believe, resonates in the hearts of most of the human species.
"I believe that this is not the end. I believe that this is not ALL that there is."
I just sat and read that line over again a few times.
My take on Heaven is based on a conversation I had a few years ago with a stranger in the Atlanta airport. Her name was Tina and I really didn't want to talk to her. In fact, I had just wandered down to the small bookstore to make a purchase and try to waste the remaining hours of my delayed flight in solitude away from everyone and anyone who felt a need to start a stupid conversation with me as their way of passing the time.
I had heard that a bunch of local churches were doing sermon series on a fictional book called "The Davinci Code". I thought if it caused this much of an uproar then it must be a pretty decent read. By the way, it was an ok book. It wasn't the greatest book ever, but I still never understood the religious movement against a FICTIONAL book. Anyways, I began to read it near my gate and of course within about 10 minutes this girl, who was probably just a few years older than I was, noticed what I was reading.
"Oh...the Davinci Code, such a good book."
My first thoughts were straight profanity, which I will refrain from typing here. I knew that this person wanted to talk and I should have bought Marilyn Manson's autobiography instead and maybe she would not have said anything. That reminds me, I ordered that book a while back on ebay and still haven't received it.
So I decided I couldn't just walk away and I engaged in conversation with Tina, who happened to be quite a pleasant person to be stuck at your gate with in the busiest airport in the world. I mean, I could've had some real idiot that smelt like hot garbage trying to talk to me. If that were the case, I would definitely have walked away.
Sorry for getting so sidetracked there. Back to the matter at hand: Heaven. Eventually the question came up from her about if I believed in Jesus and if I believed in Heaven.
This is a pretty close paraphrase of what I told her. It wasn't scripted or anything, it just is what makes sense in my head and now that I have seen death and disease so close it makes more sense that I can convey.
When I look at society I see a lot of bad things. We sometimes argue so much for certain veiwpoints of certain topics that we lose sight of the fact that most of what we are arguing about shouldn't be argued about in the first place. War doesn't seem ok, but it has been going on since the beginning of history. Disease doesn't seem ok. Although we have made large advances in medicine, over 700,000 Americans will die this year due to cancer. That is a staggering amount in our technilogically advanced era. In America we work more than any other country in the world, mostly so that can go on vacation or have the material possessions that our hearts desire. Meanwhile, in poor countries all over the world, people are dying of things such as the common cold or lack of penicilin. And we don't give a damn. We argue about universal healthcare being a political issue, but do we not believe that every child and every person should have the opportunity to be taken care of just as well as anybody else.
Please understand that I am trying to make no political statement other than our politics have gotten in the way of common sense. But the main issue that I told Tina in the airport was that I believe that our society as a whole is in the most simple sense "broken".
There is something wrong.
There is something off.
Some of it is in our control and some of it is not. Life is so unfair and the best word I know to describe that is that this existence as we know it and have known it through reading history is messed up. And not just a tad, but messed up quite a bit.
But let's not stop there. Take a look at yourself.
In my life I have struggled with things that I believe that we all deal with on and off throughout our lives.
Lonliness.
Broken Heart.
Wondering if we matter in this world.
Not knowing if we will be good enough children, students, husbands, wives, friends, you fill in the blank.
We are broken individually.
I am broken.
I belive strongly that there must be an answer for this. That belief has led me to Jesus and the topic of this post, Heaven.
I wrote about how my mother had become physically unrecognizable. I wish that I could tell you that image has been banned from my memory, but it has not. I dealt with nightmares consistently for weeks after her funeral dealing with her health. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't see clearly her decayed and diseased and tormented body in my mind.
To me, her body is a very accurate representation of my "broken" state of being. My soul is ridden with this disease and the symptoms are listed above as they are with every single person. When I think of her sickness I think of my inmost thoughts being so wrong at times and how I can manipulate people and on and on. I think of how our society is cancer ridden and so messed up that most of the time we don't even recognize it.
When I searched for the word "heaven" in the bible, most of the time that Jesus talked about it he talked in terms that heaven was here now. That the purpose for those who follow his teachings are to bring the Kingdom of Heaven to earth now in a real way for people to see.
I don't want to get too far off subject or into Heaven being just on earth. I believe that Jesus wanted us to bring the great things of Heaven i.e. justice, oneness, completeness, redemption, grace, love to the place we live now because He knew that we were a sick people with a cancer at the core of our society and our souls.
So to me, Heaven is the opposite of the picture of my mom's diseased body. It is the opposite of the things I mentioned earlier about our society and our individual hearts not being "ok". Heaven will be the place that we no longer struggle with the aspects of our lives that everyone has always struggled with.
Can you imagine that there is a place where depression does not exist? Can you picture not feeling incomplete?
No more lonliness.
No more suffering, physically or mentally.
No more inadequecy.
No more not quite measuring up.
No more sleepless nights of your mind wandering on and on about all of the dreams that you have thrown away or that you can never attain.
No more broken.
One of the last times I talked to my mom I told her that she was so close to experiencing and having everything that she had ever longed for since she was a child. None of that being toys or things, but rather all of it having to do with feeling whole. It is funny, she didn't mention anything about how the streets of gold would look or what her "mansion" would look like.
In her sickest state she only longed to be loved and to be made complete.
In my sickest state I also long to be loved and to be made complete.
I believe that my mom is home.
I look forward to seeing her there. I am sure that we will have no recollection of disease of any kind.
Until then I think about what it means to bring that "Home" to this journey.
I write as a son who has watched death slowly but surely take his mother down a road that I wish no one else to follow. I write as a friend who, from a distance, has traveled the same journey of close friends who just this past Sunday held a memorial service for their father. I write as a spectator who watched along with around 1/6th of the population of the world the memorial service for one of the greatest entertainers of all time.
Smokey Robinson stated so well what, I believe, resonates in the hearts of most of the human species.
"I believe that this is not the end. I believe that this is not ALL that there is."
I just sat and read that line over again a few times.
My take on Heaven is based on a conversation I had a few years ago with a stranger in the Atlanta airport. Her name was Tina and I really didn't want to talk to her. In fact, I had just wandered down to the small bookstore to make a purchase and try to waste the remaining hours of my delayed flight in solitude away from everyone and anyone who felt a need to start a stupid conversation with me as their way of passing the time.
I had heard that a bunch of local churches were doing sermon series on a fictional book called "The Davinci Code". I thought if it caused this much of an uproar then it must be a pretty decent read. By the way, it was an ok book. It wasn't the greatest book ever, but I still never understood the religious movement against a FICTIONAL book. Anyways, I began to read it near my gate and of course within about 10 minutes this girl, who was probably just a few years older than I was, noticed what I was reading.
"Oh...the Davinci Code, such a good book."
My first thoughts were straight profanity, which I will refrain from typing here. I knew that this person wanted to talk and I should have bought Marilyn Manson's autobiography instead and maybe she would not have said anything. That reminds me, I ordered that book a while back on ebay and still haven't received it.
So I decided I couldn't just walk away and I engaged in conversation with Tina, who happened to be quite a pleasant person to be stuck at your gate with in the busiest airport in the world. I mean, I could've had some real idiot that smelt like hot garbage trying to talk to me. If that were the case, I would definitely have walked away.
Sorry for getting so sidetracked there. Back to the matter at hand: Heaven. Eventually the question came up from her about if I believed in Jesus and if I believed in Heaven.
This is a pretty close paraphrase of what I told her. It wasn't scripted or anything, it just is what makes sense in my head and now that I have seen death and disease so close it makes more sense that I can convey.
When I look at society I see a lot of bad things. We sometimes argue so much for certain veiwpoints of certain topics that we lose sight of the fact that most of what we are arguing about shouldn't be argued about in the first place. War doesn't seem ok, but it has been going on since the beginning of history. Disease doesn't seem ok. Although we have made large advances in medicine, over 700,000 Americans will die this year due to cancer. That is a staggering amount in our technilogically advanced era. In America we work more than any other country in the world, mostly so that can go on vacation or have the material possessions that our hearts desire. Meanwhile, in poor countries all over the world, people are dying of things such as the common cold or lack of penicilin. And we don't give a damn. We argue about universal healthcare being a political issue, but do we not believe that every child and every person should have the opportunity to be taken care of just as well as anybody else.
Please understand that I am trying to make no political statement other than our politics have gotten in the way of common sense. But the main issue that I told Tina in the airport was that I believe that our society as a whole is in the most simple sense "broken".
There is something wrong.
There is something off.
Some of it is in our control and some of it is not. Life is so unfair and the best word I know to describe that is that this existence as we know it and have known it through reading history is messed up. And not just a tad, but messed up quite a bit.
But let's not stop there. Take a look at yourself.
In my life I have struggled with things that I believe that we all deal with on and off throughout our lives.
Lonliness.
Broken Heart.
Wondering if we matter in this world.
Not knowing if we will be good enough children, students, husbands, wives, friends, you fill in the blank.
We are broken individually.
I am broken.
I belive strongly that there must be an answer for this. That belief has led me to Jesus and the topic of this post, Heaven.
I wrote about how my mother had become physically unrecognizable. I wish that I could tell you that image has been banned from my memory, but it has not. I dealt with nightmares consistently for weeks after her funeral dealing with her health. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't see clearly her decayed and diseased and tormented body in my mind.
To me, her body is a very accurate representation of my "broken" state of being. My soul is ridden with this disease and the symptoms are listed above as they are with every single person. When I think of her sickness I think of my inmost thoughts being so wrong at times and how I can manipulate people and on and on. I think of how our society is cancer ridden and so messed up that most of the time we don't even recognize it.
When I searched for the word "heaven" in the bible, most of the time that Jesus talked about it he talked in terms that heaven was here now. That the purpose for those who follow his teachings are to bring the Kingdom of Heaven to earth now in a real way for people to see.
I don't want to get too far off subject or into Heaven being just on earth. I believe that Jesus wanted us to bring the great things of Heaven i.e. justice, oneness, completeness, redemption, grace, love to the place we live now because He knew that we were a sick people with a cancer at the core of our society and our souls.
So to me, Heaven is the opposite of the picture of my mom's diseased body. It is the opposite of the things I mentioned earlier about our society and our individual hearts not being "ok". Heaven will be the place that we no longer struggle with the aspects of our lives that everyone has always struggled with.
Can you imagine that there is a place where depression does not exist? Can you picture not feeling incomplete?
No more lonliness.
No more suffering, physically or mentally.
No more inadequecy.
No more not quite measuring up.
No more sleepless nights of your mind wandering on and on about all of the dreams that you have thrown away or that you can never attain.
No more broken.
One of the last times I talked to my mom I told her that she was so close to experiencing and having everything that she had ever longed for since she was a child. None of that being toys or things, but rather all of it having to do with feeling whole. It is funny, she didn't mention anything about how the streets of gold would look or what her "mansion" would look like.
In her sickest state she only longed to be loved and to be made complete.
In my sickest state I also long to be loved and to be made complete.
I believe that my mom is home.
I look forward to seeing her there. I am sure that we will have no recollection of disease of any kind.
Until then I think about what it means to bring that "Home" to this journey.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Pretty Crazy
My father wrote me an email shortly after he read my last post. He told me that he read it and then read it once more and that his heart was aching for his son. These next few sentences I should just copy and paste from the email, for there is great power in them and I don't want to get one word wrong.
" I think of you so often as a little boy and I want to take away the pain, but you’re a man now and you’re acting like one. I’m proud of you….I always have been."
I have read those specific lines over and over again since they landed on my blackberry just a few hours before my mom died. Such a few words that I know will always remain in my memory.
Since my mother's death I have begun to take some things a little more seriously. Things including my health, weight, time, finances...etc. Included in that process is making sure that my wife and eventually the rest of my family feels secure and safe and one of the things that is a large part of that is our finances. At the beginning of the week I took a closer look at how I can help my wife and our bills and what is really more important in certain areas.
The biggest thing that we agreed upon changing is our car situation. Brittany's car is a lease. That was a deal that went down before we were married so we have been paying about $250 a month towards a car that we know that we will not want to buy once the lease ends in October of 2010. Instead of paying that money to "rent" a car we decided that we needed to get rid of the lease asap and put that money towards something else more constructive. It all worked out rather quickly and Brittany's parents actually wanted to take the car from us so as of the end of July we were ready to be a one car family.
One car would be a tough thing for us because Brittany goes to school and I was going to start back again in August and riding the public bus to work would be my transportation, but we were ok with that and believed that we were doing our best to sacrifice a little to be better with our money. Wednesday night I finalized our insurance policy to remove the car as of the end of July (when her parents would take it form us). I felt great about it.
But also a little worried about how I was going to get around.
Tonight, Thursday, Brittany and I went over to where my mom lived to see her husband and go through a few things that now belonged to us. There were some incredible priceless things that I am so thankful to have. I believe that being a pack rat is not good, but please save some things. I found pictures and random things that I have never seen before. We all teared up as we went through things that were close to my mom's heart and the idea that she is no longer here was very real.
As we took some of the boxes to our car Darold, my mom's husband, said "Since we are out here I want to give these to you."
He handed each of us the keys to my mom's car and told us that she had a policy that allowed the car to be paid off completely after she died and given to us. He cried as he told us this and I believe I laughed at first and then cried all within 5 seconds.
The crazy thing is that Brittany and I had just discussed that we would pay for cash for whatever car we owned in the future and never again have to deal with a car payment. I was planning on saving up about 6-8k for a decent used car eventually.
The car that we now own because of the generosity of my mom and her husband is something that we would not be able to buy until we were very old. I would not brag about my own car if I had bought it myself, but I am going to tell you a little about this car since, I believe, it shows what a great gift it is.
-2007 Nissan Altima
-25,040 miles
-Complete navigation system included
-Bluetooth included
-Power seats, windows
-Seat warmers
-Camera when you reverse to show you what is behind you
-Leather seats
-Keyless ingnition, keyless locking/unlocking
-Sunroof
-6 disc CD changer and mp3 accesible
-Seriously, everything is digital. Everything. And there is a screen in the middle where the GPS is that is touch screen.
-Darold had it deatailed before he gave it to us
The only reason I am going into all of this detail is because I am incredibly overwhelmed by my mom's final gift to me and my wife. I am also almost speechless to the fact that this came just the day after our plans were final to get rid of one of our cars and begin the long process of saving enough money to buy a decent used car.
My next post will be on heaven. I am not sure exactly what that means, but I have been thinking a lot about it lately and will get to it.
But for now all I can think of is how thankful I am to my mother for loving me. She had this planned almost two years ago before her first surgery. I believe that God had something to do with all of this. When I had a conversation with my mom about her death that I described in my last post she was about to tell me what she was going to leave me and I told her that we didn't need to talk about that.
Two years in the making and God worked out the timing in such a way that all I can do is sit here on my couch and be amazed at everything. I understand that none of you will know how incredible this really is, but I just had to write about it.
" I think of you so often as a little boy and I want to take away the pain, but you’re a man now and you’re acting like one. I’m proud of you….I always have been."
I have read those specific lines over and over again since they landed on my blackberry just a few hours before my mom died. Such a few words that I know will always remain in my memory.
Since my mother's death I have begun to take some things a little more seriously. Things including my health, weight, time, finances...etc. Included in that process is making sure that my wife and eventually the rest of my family feels secure and safe and one of the things that is a large part of that is our finances. At the beginning of the week I took a closer look at how I can help my wife and our bills and what is really more important in certain areas.
The biggest thing that we agreed upon changing is our car situation. Brittany's car is a lease. That was a deal that went down before we were married so we have been paying about $250 a month towards a car that we know that we will not want to buy once the lease ends in October of 2010. Instead of paying that money to "rent" a car we decided that we needed to get rid of the lease asap and put that money towards something else more constructive. It all worked out rather quickly and Brittany's parents actually wanted to take the car from us so as of the end of July we were ready to be a one car family.
One car would be a tough thing for us because Brittany goes to school and I was going to start back again in August and riding the public bus to work would be my transportation, but we were ok with that and believed that we were doing our best to sacrifice a little to be better with our money. Wednesday night I finalized our insurance policy to remove the car as of the end of July (when her parents would take it form us). I felt great about it.
But also a little worried about how I was going to get around.
Tonight, Thursday, Brittany and I went over to where my mom lived to see her husband and go through a few things that now belonged to us. There were some incredible priceless things that I am so thankful to have. I believe that being a pack rat is not good, but please save some things. I found pictures and random things that I have never seen before. We all teared up as we went through things that were close to my mom's heart and the idea that she is no longer here was very real.
As we took some of the boxes to our car Darold, my mom's husband, said "Since we are out here I want to give these to you."
He handed each of us the keys to my mom's car and told us that she had a policy that allowed the car to be paid off completely after she died and given to us. He cried as he told us this and I believe I laughed at first and then cried all within 5 seconds.
The crazy thing is that Brittany and I had just discussed that we would pay for cash for whatever car we owned in the future and never again have to deal with a car payment. I was planning on saving up about 6-8k for a decent used car eventually.
The car that we now own because of the generosity of my mom and her husband is something that we would not be able to buy until we were very old. I would not brag about my own car if I had bought it myself, but I am going to tell you a little about this car since, I believe, it shows what a great gift it is.
-2007 Nissan Altima
-25,040 miles
-Complete navigation system included
-Bluetooth included
-Power seats, windows
-Seat warmers
-Camera when you reverse to show you what is behind you
-Leather seats
-Keyless ingnition, keyless locking/unlocking
-Sunroof
-6 disc CD changer and mp3 accesible
-Seriously, everything is digital. Everything. And there is a screen in the middle where the GPS is that is touch screen.
-Darold had it deatailed before he gave it to us
The only reason I am going into all of this detail is because I am incredibly overwhelmed by my mom's final gift to me and my wife. I am also almost speechless to the fact that this came just the day after our plans were final to get rid of one of our cars and begin the long process of saving enough money to buy a decent used car.
My next post will be on heaven. I am not sure exactly what that means, but I have been thinking a lot about it lately and will get to it.
But for now all I can think of is how thankful I am to my mother for loving me. She had this planned almost two years ago before her first surgery. I believe that God had something to do with all of this. When I had a conversation with my mom about her death that I described in my last post she was about to tell me what she was going to leave me and I told her that we didn't need to talk about that.
Two years in the making and God worked out the timing in such a way that all I can do is sit here on my couch and be amazed at everything. I understand that none of you will know how incredible this really is, but I just had to write about it.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
I Always Wondered What This Would Be Like
On Tuesday evening May 5th I walked into my grandmama's back door not knowing exactly what I was going to say or what my mom was going to say or if I was going to break down emotionally or come across as too stern because I was hardened by the fact that cancer had taken its toll on my mother.
I entered the door and heard crying immediately. I took a left and 20 feet away my mom was understandably almost hysterical as she sat on the bed and cried. I walked in and my uncle said, "She knows, Jason". I leaned over to hug my mom and through the massive tears she uttered...
"I know that I'm dying..."
A sigh from me, "I know."
I sat down next to her and I held her hand. I don't remember the last time that I held my mom's hand for something other than praying before a meal.
She asked how long had I known and I simply replied, "For a while."
We talked about many things...
"Was I a good mom?"...
"On your break from church did you find the answers you were looking for?"...
"What will you tell your kids about me?"...
"What have you thought about my cancer over the last year and a half?"...
"What do you want to pursue in your life?"....................................
I will always remember this conversation. Literally, always. I believe that even when I am in heaven I will talk to my mom and we will say something like, "...that was such a great conversation..."
I told my mother at the end of the conversation that for Mother's Day she had to accept my gift. I told her that Brittany and I were going to change our vacation plans and instead of traveling to San Francisco and Lake Tahoe and be with her wherever she wanted. She chose the beach and I made plans the next day to spend the following week at New Smyrna with her and her husband and my wife. People have said things like, "that is a really great thing that you did for your mom", but I consider it more common sense. I mean, who wouldn't do the same thing?
So I rented the condo from Saturday May 9th to Saturday May 16th. My mom and her husband Darold arrived at the condo on Saturday and after working Sunday Brittany and I joined them.
Monday was a great day. It was obvious that my mother's health had quickly gone downhill since I had last seen her. So we carried her down to the beach and she enjoyed a day in the sun watching us play in the waves and throw the frisbee. There is something so simple and great about throwing the frisbee at the beach. It makes me wonder what other simple things that people get to experience around the world in their own environments that I will never get to.
I knew that my mom was not doing well as she was not really eating. Literally she was only eating a few peanuts a day and possibly an Ensure drink. The alarming thing was that she was throwing up far more than she was taking in.
Tuesday she looked much worse. She was also becoming less responsive. She was zoning out when I would talk to her and it was almost like she wasn't even there at times. But around 1pm she seemed as close to herself as she could be. Her and I talked for about two hours at that point. I knew that that would be the last "real" conversation we would have. We talked about so many things in between me changing her "puke pot" out for a new one. She said she felt that death was coming on quick. She told me how proud she was of the person I had become and that I had exceeded the great expectations that she had for me. She told me what she wanted me to sing at her funeral, if I could. We talked about heaven and what we thought it would be like. My mother expressed to me that she was no longer worried about Brittany and I, but that she was still concerned about her husband and leaving him behind and alone and sad. We discussed how she would have a great legacy in my kid's eyes unlike her dad who was a loser. I remember that I almost broke down and cried when I told her that I would miss a mother's pride in her son and a love that extended beyond all faults. God, it felt like we talked for days.
Wednesday was one of the worst days of my life. My mom asked to go down to the beach again, but shortly after she was carried down she began to throw up everywhere. Immediately she began to cry and repeatedly say how sorry she was. Brittany had never seen her get sick like that and was upset. Darold was beginning to realize this was the end. And I was there feeling like I was trying to oversee everything and everyone and at that point I didn't know what to do or say. I went back inside to hang out with my mom and she was still crying saying that she was ruining my vacation and that she was so so sorry.
I just hugged her. I then went to the bathroom and sobbed harder than I had in years. My mother was physically almost unrecognizable. Her skin was a dark yellow along with her eyes. She threw up 5 times as much as she was eating/drinking. She could barely walk from the bed to the bathroom. And she was the one apologizing to me.
Even now as I write this I cry.
She spent the rest of that Wednesday in bed. She didn't want to talk really. She couldn't eat anything.
I talked to my uncle and he and my grandma decided that they should come out to the beach to actually look at my mom. Remember it was just a week ago that my mom was sitting up having a conversation with me. She had looked bad then, but by now she looked ten times worse. When my uncle and grandma arrived we knew right away almost that we needed to get her back home. She was dying and needed to be the most comfortable. We packed up around midnight and left needing to get my mom home so that she could die in a comfortable place in peace.
Today it was difficult to look at my mom. Her body lay in bed somehow still looking worse than before. I spoke to her and told her that Brittany was making a big dinner for the entire family and asked her if she wanted me to sing a few songs to her afterwards. In the loudest voice she had she said yes and nodded her head.
After dinner I went home to get my guitar and wondered what this was going to be like. I came in and it was very dark in the bedroom. I sang to her for probably around an hour. I sang old hymns, songs that I had written, and more contemporary songs. I am not sure how I got through it, but I did. And I could sense the grace and love from God flowing through the music in between my mother and myself.
I sang the song that she asked me to sing at her funeral at the end. "I Bowed On My Knees And Cried Holy". At the end of the song I quit playing and within two seconds her arms were stretched out towards me as she was lying down and she was loudly saying, "thank you, i love you."
I always wondered what this would be like. The final days have been full of tears, aching, helplessness, pain, love, peace, comfort, laughter....the list goes on and on.
You realize how many things that we esteem as "important" are so very not.
You understand that there will never be anything like a mother's love.
You are reminded of the reality of the fact that you must be very clear with yourself on what you believe about faith/heaven.
I will always remember that my mom had to battle a rare type of cancer that was more than devastating to her body. More than that, I will remember how our relationship evolved in the final 21 months of her life. We put away childish differences and loved each other the way that God always intended for us to.
For a while I hated that God had allowed this to happen.
While I will never fully understand or pretend to, I am thankful for many of the things that happened in my relationship with my mother that would have never happened without this cancer.
My mom probably has just a few more days.
But the memories will last forever.
I entered the door and heard crying immediately. I took a left and 20 feet away my mom was understandably almost hysterical as she sat on the bed and cried. I walked in and my uncle said, "She knows, Jason". I leaned over to hug my mom and through the massive tears she uttered...
"I know that I'm dying..."
A sigh from me, "I know."
I sat down next to her and I held her hand. I don't remember the last time that I held my mom's hand for something other than praying before a meal.
She asked how long had I known and I simply replied, "For a while."
We talked about many things...
"Was I a good mom?"...
"On your break from church did you find the answers you were looking for?"...
"What will you tell your kids about me?"...
"What have you thought about my cancer over the last year and a half?"...
"What do you want to pursue in your life?"....................................
I will always remember this conversation. Literally, always. I believe that even when I am in heaven I will talk to my mom and we will say something like, "...that was such a great conversation..."
I told my mother at the end of the conversation that for Mother's Day she had to accept my gift. I told her that Brittany and I were going to change our vacation plans and instead of traveling to San Francisco and Lake Tahoe and be with her wherever she wanted. She chose the beach and I made plans the next day to spend the following week at New Smyrna with her and her husband and my wife. People have said things like, "that is a really great thing that you did for your mom", but I consider it more common sense. I mean, who wouldn't do the same thing?
So I rented the condo from Saturday May 9th to Saturday May 16th. My mom and her husband Darold arrived at the condo on Saturday and after working Sunday Brittany and I joined them.
Monday was a great day. It was obvious that my mother's health had quickly gone downhill since I had last seen her. So we carried her down to the beach and she enjoyed a day in the sun watching us play in the waves and throw the frisbee. There is something so simple and great about throwing the frisbee at the beach. It makes me wonder what other simple things that people get to experience around the world in their own environments that I will never get to.
I knew that my mom was not doing well as she was not really eating. Literally she was only eating a few peanuts a day and possibly an Ensure drink. The alarming thing was that she was throwing up far more than she was taking in.
Tuesday she looked much worse. She was also becoming less responsive. She was zoning out when I would talk to her and it was almost like she wasn't even there at times. But around 1pm she seemed as close to herself as she could be. Her and I talked for about two hours at that point. I knew that that would be the last "real" conversation we would have. We talked about so many things in between me changing her "puke pot" out for a new one. She said she felt that death was coming on quick. She told me how proud she was of the person I had become and that I had exceeded the great expectations that she had for me. She told me what she wanted me to sing at her funeral, if I could. We talked about heaven and what we thought it would be like. My mother expressed to me that she was no longer worried about Brittany and I, but that she was still concerned about her husband and leaving him behind and alone and sad. We discussed how she would have a great legacy in my kid's eyes unlike her dad who was a loser. I remember that I almost broke down and cried when I told her that I would miss a mother's pride in her son and a love that extended beyond all faults. God, it felt like we talked for days.
Wednesday was one of the worst days of my life. My mom asked to go down to the beach again, but shortly after she was carried down she began to throw up everywhere. Immediately she began to cry and repeatedly say how sorry she was. Brittany had never seen her get sick like that and was upset. Darold was beginning to realize this was the end. And I was there feeling like I was trying to oversee everything and everyone and at that point I didn't know what to do or say. I went back inside to hang out with my mom and she was still crying saying that she was ruining my vacation and that she was so so sorry.
I just hugged her. I then went to the bathroom and sobbed harder than I had in years. My mother was physically almost unrecognizable. Her skin was a dark yellow along with her eyes. She threw up 5 times as much as she was eating/drinking. She could barely walk from the bed to the bathroom. And she was the one apologizing to me.
Even now as I write this I cry.
She spent the rest of that Wednesday in bed. She didn't want to talk really. She couldn't eat anything.
I talked to my uncle and he and my grandma decided that they should come out to the beach to actually look at my mom. Remember it was just a week ago that my mom was sitting up having a conversation with me. She had looked bad then, but by now she looked ten times worse. When my uncle and grandma arrived we knew right away almost that we needed to get her back home. She was dying and needed to be the most comfortable. We packed up around midnight and left needing to get my mom home so that she could die in a comfortable place in peace.
Today it was difficult to look at my mom. Her body lay in bed somehow still looking worse than before. I spoke to her and told her that Brittany was making a big dinner for the entire family and asked her if she wanted me to sing a few songs to her afterwards. In the loudest voice she had she said yes and nodded her head.
After dinner I went home to get my guitar and wondered what this was going to be like. I came in and it was very dark in the bedroom. I sang to her for probably around an hour. I sang old hymns, songs that I had written, and more contemporary songs. I am not sure how I got through it, but I did. And I could sense the grace and love from God flowing through the music in between my mother and myself.
I sang the song that she asked me to sing at her funeral at the end. "I Bowed On My Knees And Cried Holy". At the end of the song I quit playing and within two seconds her arms were stretched out towards me as she was lying down and she was loudly saying, "thank you, i love you."
I always wondered what this would be like. The final days have been full of tears, aching, helplessness, pain, love, peace, comfort, laughter....the list goes on and on.
You realize how many things that we esteem as "important" are so very not.
You understand that there will never be anything like a mother's love.
You are reminded of the reality of the fact that you must be very clear with yourself on what you believe about faith/heaven.
I will always remember that my mom had to battle a rare type of cancer that was more than devastating to her body. More than that, I will remember how our relationship evolved in the final 21 months of her life. We put away childish differences and loved each other the way that God always intended for us to.
For a while I hated that God had allowed this to happen.
While I will never fully understand or pretend to, I am thankful for many of the things that happened in my relationship with my mother that would have never happened without this cancer.
My mom probably has just a few more days.
But the memories will last forever.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
A Year
On this very hour a year ago today Brittany and I were getting ready to begin the wedding rehearsal. I can remember how much I was not looking forward to that. The rehearsal is always the worst part weddings that I have been a part of. It is necessary and very helpful, but towards the end everyone gets antsy and I am always hungry and I start to become annoyed with the one or two people who decide that they should give their input every 30 seconds even though nobody cares and most of what they say is stupid.
But it was over before we knew it and we were at Kobe Steakhouse enjoying the time with our friends and family.
Tomorrow marks 1 year since Brittany and I have been married. A couple people at work told me, "congratulations man!" and I knew that it was a sincere gesture, but nonetheless it felt a little weird. Mainly because to me anniversaries are more of a reflection time than anything else. Brittany and I have been dating and now married for a total of over 4 years and I have never felt like we deserved congrats for it. Maybe if we live to be very old it will be different and I will feel a sense of accomplishment for making it through the "bad times" as well as the "good"... whatever that means.
We will celebrate. Don't get me wrong. Our marriage is a BIG deal to me and our plans for tomorrow evening our a secret so I can't spill the beans to you. But our marriage is more of a big deal to me than our anniversary. I am just as content spending time with Brittany watching "American Idol" or "24" as anything else. Going out and celebrating is fun, but staying home and doing nothing occasionally is just as much a celebration of the fact that we not only can stand each other, but we actually like spending time together without bells and whistles.
A few things I have learned or come to a better understanding of include the following:
1. Our time together is precious and we do not care who understands that or who doesn't. We spend usually one evening together a week with each other with no work or school involved. We don't have the type of schedules that allow for anything more. We like to spend that one evening alone away from everyone else because it is only a once a week possibility. We made our family rounds on the holidays, but on Christmas Day we hung out only with each other. Our vacation time is used to spend an entire week with one another apart from anyone. We had a week off in March together and it felt like an incredibly long vacation since we hardly see each other. Some people or family members might not understand why. But they don't have to and I have learned that we are okay with that.
2. Brittany works harder than anyone I know. Since we have been married she has started her graduate program and I know that it puts an enormous amount of pressure on her. She has started her speech therapy sessions with clients this semester, has group presentations, projects, exams, papers every single week. She works full time on her feet waiting on tables. She is respected at work as a dependable person that works hard. And that job sucks. I know, I work there too. Brittany finds time somewhere in between to do things like the laundry, clean the apartment, go grocery shopping and also be a loving wife. In this last year there has not been one single time where she has ever said or done anything to make me feel like less of a person because I don't have the type of job that can allow her to just focus on school and not worry about also putting 30-40 hours of work in at a crappy job. She just keeps on working and keeps on loving me.
3. I am completely content with my marriage. We are similar in some aspects of our personality, but very different in others. And the differences make for good company. I have not seen anything in any other person that I wish Brittany had. I did not settle for anything getting married, but rather was blessed with somebody that exceeded any expectations I put on my future wife growing up.
4. I am clumsier than I used to be. I am not sure if this has anything to do with marriage or just a part of getting older. I am only 25 so I'm not saying I'm old, but I keep running into shit and spilling things like I never used to.
My advice for people that are not yet married is that things don't really change a whole lot. The fingerprint that makes up your relationship is just magnified under marriage and put in your face. Thankfully we have always had a very healthy friendship and relationship and this past year has reminded me of that day after day.
But it was over before we knew it and we were at Kobe Steakhouse enjoying the time with our friends and family.
Tomorrow marks 1 year since Brittany and I have been married. A couple people at work told me, "congratulations man!" and I knew that it was a sincere gesture, but nonetheless it felt a little weird. Mainly because to me anniversaries are more of a reflection time than anything else. Brittany and I have been dating and now married for a total of over 4 years and I have never felt like we deserved congrats for it. Maybe if we live to be very old it will be different and I will feel a sense of accomplishment for making it through the "bad times" as well as the "good"... whatever that means.
We will celebrate. Don't get me wrong. Our marriage is a BIG deal to me and our plans for tomorrow evening our a secret so I can't spill the beans to you. But our marriage is more of a big deal to me than our anniversary. I am just as content spending time with Brittany watching "American Idol" or "24" as anything else. Going out and celebrating is fun, but staying home and doing nothing occasionally is just as much a celebration of the fact that we not only can stand each other, but we actually like spending time together without bells and whistles.
A few things I have learned or come to a better understanding of include the following:
1. Our time together is precious and we do not care who understands that or who doesn't. We spend usually one evening together a week with each other with no work or school involved. We don't have the type of schedules that allow for anything more. We like to spend that one evening alone away from everyone else because it is only a once a week possibility. We made our family rounds on the holidays, but on Christmas Day we hung out only with each other. Our vacation time is used to spend an entire week with one another apart from anyone. We had a week off in March together and it felt like an incredibly long vacation since we hardly see each other. Some people or family members might not understand why. But they don't have to and I have learned that we are okay with that.
2. Brittany works harder than anyone I know. Since we have been married she has started her graduate program and I know that it puts an enormous amount of pressure on her. She has started her speech therapy sessions with clients this semester, has group presentations, projects, exams, papers every single week. She works full time on her feet waiting on tables. She is respected at work as a dependable person that works hard. And that job sucks. I know, I work there too. Brittany finds time somewhere in between to do things like the laundry, clean the apartment, go grocery shopping and also be a loving wife. In this last year there has not been one single time where she has ever said or done anything to make me feel like less of a person because I don't have the type of job that can allow her to just focus on school and not worry about also putting 30-40 hours of work in at a crappy job. She just keeps on working and keeps on loving me.
3. I am completely content with my marriage. We are similar in some aspects of our personality, but very different in others. And the differences make for good company. I have not seen anything in any other person that I wish Brittany had. I did not settle for anything getting married, but rather was blessed with somebody that exceeded any expectations I put on my future wife growing up.
4. I am clumsier than I used to be. I am not sure if this has anything to do with marriage or just a part of getting older. I am only 25 so I'm not saying I'm old, but I keep running into shit and spilling things like I never used to.
My advice for people that are not yet married is that things don't really change a whole lot. The fingerprint that makes up your relationship is just magnified under marriage and put in your face. Thankfully we have always had a very healthy friendship and relationship and this past year has reminded me of that day after day.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of the sudden I am unaware
Of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great your affections are for me
Oh how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How he loves so
So He is our portion and we are His bride
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about
The way...
He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of the sudden I am unaware
Of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great your affections are for me
Oh how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How he loves so
So He is our portion and we are His bride
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about
The way...
He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Honesty
Something happened tonight that has not happened in a long time...
A few posts ago I wrote about how I was taking a break from church to focus on my relationship with God. A relationship that I believed to be severely overshadowed by my relationship to church (and the money I made for it).
I thought that in my post I was being very clear that my intent was not malicious in any way towards anything or anyone, but rather an honest and in depth look inside of myself. I am a genuinely quiet person about serious things and sometimes this blog is a way for me to try and express myself how I could not or would not want to vocally. So that post was me doing my best to be honest and real and help you understand where I am coming from.
Of course I knew that some people would not understand, not because of anything wrong with them, but rather because I am wired very differently than some and I know that no matter how I portray my own heart that there will be those that will not get it.
I want to thank you if you posted anything as a response to that post. Other people who did not respond in writing had some very demeaning and negative things to say about what I wrote in that post. People that I consider friends. And that hurt. It hurts more that those people still have not said one word about it to me, whether it be concern or discouraging. They decided to make remarks to my wife when I wasn't there.
My advice to anyone who reads this. If somebody opens themselves up and becomes vulnerable in any fashion, make sure that your priority is to let them know that it is ok to be honest. More than trying to give them advice or more than trying to let them know why they shouldn't think or say things. Just listen (or read) and whatever your response is.... let it be humble.
All of that out of the way... I told Brittany the other day that I believe that God is working in my heart. I think that is a very cliche and cheesy way of saying it, but I don't care about trying to make it sound cool or modern because those of you reading know what I mean. A bunch of small things that I don't need to go into detail of have helped me see that God is in the process of softening my heart. My heart has been very hard and calloused for such a long time and I have grown so cynical.
If we believe that we have a relationship with God then I believe that I am in the process of restoring that relationship. I know that technically that might not be theologically correct to the tee, but I hope you understand what I am saying.
In light of these things, something happened tonight that has not happened in a long time...
I cried.
I cried for my sins.
I cried for my mom.
I cried because I miss Jesus.
And I cried because I am not sure of what to think of God these days.
This is now me being honest. If you respond to this blog please don't comment or try to give any advice on what I am about to say. I believe that this is kind of like a journal and the only reason I write down honest struggles for others to see is that I believe it is healthy for everyone.
My mother has been extremely sick lately. She has not been able to go back to work. She is continuously throwing up, almost to the point of having to go to the hospital because she didn't know what else to do. The pain near her liver, where tumors are, is so intense that she can barely sleep at night. I know it is very bad because my mother is not a big complainer and can take pain pretty well.
I wish that I could just say that I'm trusting in God because Rom. 8:28 says all things work together for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purposes. But I cannot. I don't believe that specific verse is garbage, but I do believe it is garbage when somebody quotes that to make somebody like me try to feel better. "You just have to trust Him..." If your mom,dad,spouse,friend, child gets cancer and is in the state my mom is in and somebody throws that verse out expecting it to save the day you will find that you want to punch that person in their face. Believe me, I completely understand that people have the best intentions.
I can clearly recall just a short time ago, before my mom started this journey, that I was on the other end listening to a close friend who's dad had pancreatic cancer and was about to go under for surgery that could end his life. I had no idea of what they were going through, but in the back of my mind I tried to convince myself that I could understand. I told that person the only thing I knew to say was that I believed that God was big enough to handle their anger, hurt, frustration, pain, questions. I think that many Christians are not able to handle those things, thus people commenting to Brittany about my blog and how I shouldn't have said those things.
So here I am. I am angry with God. There are moments when I wonder if there is a God to be angry at. My mom is a pretty decent human being compared to most people that I know. I don't believe that people deserve cancer, but I know a lot of people that have lived a long time and who have treated their bodies far worse than my mom who are living with no cancer. I know angry and mean people who are living with no cancer.
And then anger turns to hurt and sadness. I know that God's ways are "above mine" and all of that kind of stuff, but this is my mom. It hits home in a very real way this time. I know that God doesn't "owe" me anything, but surely the divorce when I was 16 was enough. That took quite a while to get through. But this seems absurd. I know that it sounds so childish, but I cannot help but wonder why. The bigger picture that I cannot see will never be worth it to me. I know that Job got a lot more stuff after all of his original stuff was finished off, but I don't think Job would have ever said it was worth it. I think he was grateful and felt he owed everything to God, but to loose all of your children? Having more doesn't take away the loss.
This has been a very long post and it probably could have been much more well thought out. But I needed to write down exactly what I was thinking without holding back or editing.
I am in the process of restoring my relationship with God. It is a strange and unique time. I don't know where it is going to lead. That scares me a little.
I do feel that somehow God is holding all of this together. I do feel that He loves me.
I am just hurt and saddened by God...
But I do miss Him...
A few posts ago I wrote about how I was taking a break from church to focus on my relationship with God. A relationship that I believed to be severely overshadowed by my relationship to church (and the money I made for it).
I thought that in my post I was being very clear that my intent was not malicious in any way towards anything or anyone, but rather an honest and in depth look inside of myself. I am a genuinely quiet person about serious things and sometimes this blog is a way for me to try and express myself how I could not or would not want to vocally. So that post was me doing my best to be honest and real and help you understand where I am coming from.
Of course I knew that some people would not understand, not because of anything wrong with them, but rather because I am wired very differently than some and I know that no matter how I portray my own heart that there will be those that will not get it.
I want to thank you if you posted anything as a response to that post. Other people who did not respond in writing had some very demeaning and negative things to say about what I wrote in that post. People that I consider friends. And that hurt. It hurts more that those people still have not said one word about it to me, whether it be concern or discouraging. They decided to make remarks to my wife when I wasn't there.
My advice to anyone who reads this. If somebody opens themselves up and becomes vulnerable in any fashion, make sure that your priority is to let them know that it is ok to be honest. More than trying to give them advice or more than trying to let them know why they shouldn't think or say things. Just listen (or read) and whatever your response is.... let it be humble.
All of that out of the way... I told Brittany the other day that I believe that God is working in my heart. I think that is a very cliche and cheesy way of saying it, but I don't care about trying to make it sound cool or modern because those of you reading know what I mean. A bunch of small things that I don't need to go into detail of have helped me see that God is in the process of softening my heart. My heart has been very hard and calloused for such a long time and I have grown so cynical.
If we believe that we have a relationship with God then I believe that I am in the process of restoring that relationship. I know that technically that might not be theologically correct to the tee, but I hope you understand what I am saying.
In light of these things, something happened tonight that has not happened in a long time...
I cried.
I cried for my sins.
I cried for my mom.
I cried because I miss Jesus.
And I cried because I am not sure of what to think of God these days.
This is now me being honest. If you respond to this blog please don't comment or try to give any advice on what I am about to say. I believe that this is kind of like a journal and the only reason I write down honest struggles for others to see is that I believe it is healthy for everyone.
My mother has been extremely sick lately. She has not been able to go back to work. She is continuously throwing up, almost to the point of having to go to the hospital because she didn't know what else to do. The pain near her liver, where tumors are, is so intense that she can barely sleep at night. I know it is very bad because my mother is not a big complainer and can take pain pretty well.
I wish that I could just say that I'm trusting in God because Rom. 8:28 says all things work together for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purposes. But I cannot. I don't believe that specific verse is garbage, but I do believe it is garbage when somebody quotes that to make somebody like me try to feel better. "You just have to trust Him..." If your mom,dad,spouse,friend, child gets cancer and is in the state my mom is in and somebody throws that verse out expecting it to save the day you will find that you want to punch that person in their face. Believe me, I completely understand that people have the best intentions.
I can clearly recall just a short time ago, before my mom started this journey, that I was on the other end listening to a close friend who's dad had pancreatic cancer and was about to go under for surgery that could end his life. I had no idea of what they were going through, but in the back of my mind I tried to convince myself that I could understand. I told that person the only thing I knew to say was that I believed that God was big enough to handle their anger, hurt, frustration, pain, questions. I think that many Christians are not able to handle those things, thus people commenting to Brittany about my blog and how I shouldn't have said those things.
So here I am. I am angry with God. There are moments when I wonder if there is a God to be angry at. My mom is a pretty decent human being compared to most people that I know. I don't believe that people deserve cancer, but I know a lot of people that have lived a long time and who have treated their bodies far worse than my mom who are living with no cancer. I know angry and mean people who are living with no cancer.
And then anger turns to hurt and sadness. I know that God's ways are "above mine" and all of that kind of stuff, but this is my mom. It hits home in a very real way this time. I know that God doesn't "owe" me anything, but surely the divorce when I was 16 was enough. That took quite a while to get through. But this seems absurd. I know that it sounds so childish, but I cannot help but wonder why. The bigger picture that I cannot see will never be worth it to me. I know that Job got a lot more stuff after all of his original stuff was finished off, but I don't think Job would have ever said it was worth it. I think he was grateful and felt he owed everything to God, but to loose all of your children? Having more doesn't take away the loss.
This has been a very long post and it probably could have been much more well thought out. But I needed to write down exactly what I was thinking without holding back or editing.
I am in the process of restoring my relationship with God. It is a strange and unique time. I don't know where it is going to lead. That scares me a little.
I do feel that somehow God is holding all of this together. I do feel that He loves me.
I am just hurt and saddened by God...
But I do miss Him...
Sunday, January 4, 2009
New Year
My heart beats like a drum, flying up with the sun
I grab Your hand again
Renovated with life, my eyes again bright
And You are radiant
Where hope can hold my hand of sorrow
And we can walk into tomorrow
Where peace is found in troubled days
And the joy of Jesus carries pain
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine, lift up your eyes
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine and point the way to God's great life
I'm held in a place, a beautiful space
Where heaven meets the earth
My heart opens wide and the Father pours life
Deep inside my soul
Where hope can hold my hand of sorrow
And we can walk into tomorrow
Where peace is found in troubled days
And the joy of Jesus carries pain
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine, lift up your eyes
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine and point the way to God's great life
Where hope can hold my hand of sorrow
We can walk into tomorrow
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine, lift up your eyes
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine and point the way to God's great life
This a new year, this is a new day
Rise, rise, rise and shine
This is a new year, this is a new year
-Charlie Hall
I grab Your hand again
Renovated with life, my eyes again bright
And You are radiant
Where hope can hold my hand of sorrow
And we can walk into tomorrow
Where peace is found in troubled days
And the joy of Jesus carries pain
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine, lift up your eyes
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine and point the way to God's great life
I'm held in a place, a beautiful space
Where heaven meets the earth
My heart opens wide and the Father pours life
Deep inside my soul
Where hope can hold my hand of sorrow
And we can walk into tomorrow
Where peace is found in troubled days
And the joy of Jesus carries pain
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine, lift up your eyes
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine and point the way to God's great life
Where hope can hold my hand of sorrow
We can walk into tomorrow
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine, lift up your eyes
This is a new year, this is a new day to rise
Shine and point the way to God's great life
This a new year, this is a new day
Rise, rise, rise and shine
This is a new year, this is a new year
-Charlie Hall
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