I have decided to take a break from God.
Ok, not really, but I was taught you needed an opening line that would spark interest and draw the reader in to continue to read.
You might not want to read, but if you have gotten this far you probably will and therefore I must continue this post. *having nothing to do with this i am currently watching Survivor Man and he is in 44 degree weather in the dark and starving. He just said, "I didn't sign up for this." But I think he did.*
Anyways, back to my original sentence. I am taking a break from church for a while. Please don't get me wrong.... this is NOT a "The church is so messed up and has ruined my brain and I hate it" kind of thing. This also is NOT "People at church piss me off and judge me and I am sick of it" sort of post either.
This IS what this is:
I have been attending church since I was a fetus. I can't remember that far back, but I am taking my mom's word for it. She probably has lied about things here and there in the past, but I have no reason to believe that she is not telling me the truth in this instance. Not only have I been going to church that long I have other accomplishments on my list:
I also went to Sunday School from the time I was a child until my first year in college.
I know more than one verse of A LOT of hymns.
When I was in the 3rd grade I knew all of the books of the bible in order and I got a pin for it.
In the 6th grade I was at a conference with the youth group and I lifted my hands for the first time in a worship service. It was tough, but I loved Jesus.
In the 8th grade I was allowed to be on a drama team at church when I really wasn't supposed to be on it until the 9th grade. We got to do a drama skit in front of 3,000+ people at the conference I mentioned previously one year.
Before I get to high school I would like to mention that I read the entire book of Revelation in the 6th grade and wrote my first sermon shortly thereafter.
In high school once I year I took a stand for Jesus and attended See You At The Pole and prayed for the "lost" students at my school and thanked God that He had kept me from the things that they wrapped their lives around.
I played basketball ball for school during high school and my nickname was "The Reverend" because I would lead the prayer before the games.
Also during basketball season one year I severely injured my foot, but before going to the doctor the next morning I walked around on it all evening to attend my FAITH group and witness. It turned out that I had a badly sprained heel (who knew you could do that), 2 torn ligaments in my foot, and a chipped bone also. It hurt, but I loved Jesus.
It was in high school that I learned how to play the guitar because I saw a need in my youth group and thought I could help a situation. I began to lead worship at the age of 17 still a shy kid who could barely speak to people he did not know.
3 days after I graduated high school I left to dedicate my summer to leading worship to thousands of teenagers all over the USA for summer missions camps. Technically, I should not have gotten that job until I had finished one year of college, but my youth pastor pulled some strings and the people saw a kid with great potential and a humble heart. I did that job for 4 summers.
Because of those camps I got gigs playing at church youth events on weekends and eventually also got some speaking opportunities. I have preached at contemporary and EXTREMELY traditional churches on Sunday mornings.
I mentioned I went to Sunday School through the first year of college. You might think that I decided to rebel after that, but not true... I was leading worship for a church when I was 19 and couldn't attend the Sunday School classes.
Most recently I worked for a church that runs around 12,000 and was asked by the head pastor to help with their contemporary service on Sunday mornings.
I also registered as a Republican because that's the only party that God had favor on.
..............................ok
I hope you haven't thrown up yet. I did about halfway through and came back to finish the rest. These are the reasons that I must take a break from church. My life has been consumed in this world that has kept me from the reality in which everyone else has lived. I have "taken stands" and "been set apart" so many times that I have never really known what it is like to relate to the people that I work with or the people that I randomly have a conversation with at the gas station or wherever.
I felt "called to the ministry" in high school, but I never knew what that meant because I wondered aren't we all called to ministry? Do we not all have a duty to love people and interact with them in the same ways that Jesus did? What I have never thought that "ministry" was supposed to be was for me to be so wrapped up in the church lifestyle as we know it that I have no idea how to have normal, honest, and important conversations with people that aren't familiar with church vocabulary.
I do still feel that my call to ministry is a tad different however, I just haven't figured out exactly what it means.
First Orlando had to make a bunch of budget cut backs due to the economic crisis in our country. A good friend of mine who's wedding I was recently in just lost his full time job at the church. Services that I was involved in were all canceled and so here I am.
Please understand that I am not bitter at any church or any pastor or anyone. But for the reasons I mentioned earlier that made myself sick, I must take a break. Like I said, I have been going since I was in the womb. Please don't pray for my spiritual state (well you can, but just don't think I'm taking a break from church because I don't like Jesus as much). I am not taking a break from God, don't get it wrong. I am not taking a break from tithing. I am not taking a break from seeking Jesus in the things that happen around me every day.
I am taking a break from church so that when I return I will want to attend and not be obligated to do so. I want to go to church not because I will get paid for doing music. I want church to be something that I look forward to and not something that on Saturday night I say, "I wish tomorrow wasn't Sunday." I want to go to church and want to invest in the ministry for real.
I want to go to church and not judge everyone around me. I want to go to church and not think that I am better than most of the people there.
Forgive the long post. If you have made it this far I hope that this had made a bit of sense and you understand my heart. I listed those "accomplishments" not to mock them, but to show you how much of my life has been wrapped up in this church world and so that you can say, "yeah....he deserves some time off."
I still love Jesus.
I still love the church.
I just need to focus more on one than the other.
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I often feel like I have things all figured out or at least I have something important enough to say that people should listen. At the end of the day and thought process I realize I don't know anything.
6 comments:
a little disclaimer, if you will: I've come to believe that most people are doing the best they can with what they know. So nothing I am about to say is about people making the wrong decisions for themselves or their families now or in the past.
Yes, you need a break. Most people could probably benefit from a break. I know that I did. Yes, I was kind of forced into mine (two of them actually), but both were equally needed.
I hope to raise my kids in a way that some things that we grew up thinking were mutually exclusively actually can exist alongside each other. Being set apart AND knowing how to have a real and meaningful conversation with someone who does not believe what they do. Being involved, serving AND being rested and refreshed. Being a light AND dealing with some pretty rough flaws and sins. Being in love with Jesus AND having days where you don't know if following Him is actually worth it. I want them to grow up knowing that total surrender does not mean what we were taught it meant. I don't want to teach them things that the Bible does not say.
And I think that is what breaks are good for. To learn how to live in real truth. Sometimes we need to get away from the noise to hear it and let it sink in, let it undo some of what has been done, soften our hearts and turn our eyes.
Lucky for us God is not confined. And I know for sure Jesus understands even if no one else does.
Here is what I see, the messiah was in church ever week until he was elected and then hasn't been in church since, now his supporters are now following suit. J.K.!
Church is fun when you go because you want to and not because you feel you half too.
ps. I had to nap half way through this novel that you wrote, lol
Hello nephew. I appreciate your honesty. I, too, had a break, one that I never asked for but I guess it was a class that God decided I needed to take. During that time, I learned some very important things about Him and about myself. I also confronted more than ever some realities about "church." I heard about this blog. Funny, I had already tried to call you to tell you about a ministry opportunity. Perhaps it's for you; perhaps it's not.
Allow your heart and mind to be focused by God's Spirit on what He wants to teach you. Resist the many words of some "well-meaning people" who may be sincere, but may lack the depth to understand where you are right now. A perfect work is being done in your life. Let it happen; don't resist.
You'll turn around one day and experience a fresh approach to church.
Until then, stay close to Jesus, in His Word, and on your knees. Those three things will never fail you. I, too, don't understand it all. But I do understand that keeping up with those three things gets you through all kinds of challenges and bumps in the road.
Look around. You'll see me on the same road, learning, trusting, seeking, sharing.
Oh, by the way, I love your blog and the cardboard testimonies. I just haven't read any blog in over six months.
I just read this blog for the first time. While it was long...I continued to read. :-) I know you wrote it over a month ago, but I wanted you to know I understand. I really thank God for my "break" that I had. I have not been the same since....Praise God!! I now see life, church, people, & ministry so differently. To be honest I never saw the bondage that I was in. Whether it was bondage that was self inflicted, or from other people, or the church....I now try to see people in the moment. I worried too much what others thought of me.
I do want to caution you though....where there is a cracked door....Satan will try to BUST through. I am speaking from experience.
We love you Jason,
Lori
Brotha,
Perhaps it's time we started having lunch once a month. One to encourage each other and build in the faith.
I realize I was a third string drummer for you that pushed every button possible on the cringe meter of music, and I can do it for your life, too:)
Don't get lost in your break. Use it to grow closer to Jesus (even Jesus took a 40 day break from ministry...and food), but come back roaring like He did. I hope you do the same with your special talent. Call me anytime, but if you don't, know that I'll be calling you.
I'm praying' for ya!
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