Today is the day after Christmas and it also marks exactly 8 months since Brittany and I were married.
I have a theory that time goes by faster as you get older because: When you are 5 years old 1 year is 20% of your life. When you are 25 years old 1 year is only 4% of your life. And the older you get 1 year is much less of your life than it was when you started.
Anyways, Brittany and I have been working at the Hyatt Regency Hotel for over a year now. Between school schedules and also me working at churches we rarely have had days off together since our honeymoon in April. I mean, literally we have probably had about 9 days off together since then and that is only at the Hyatt. Usually if I get a Thursday off she is at school for half the day and then studying in the evening. You see what I am getting at. We don't have normal weekends. We aren't guaranteed a day to relax together every week. Our time is precious.
Not long after becoming husband and wife we understood that certain boundaries would have to be made in relation to the time spent with our families on holidays and all that jazz. For instance we worked on Thanksgiving and were expecting to possibly have to work on Christmas day. But we did tell our immediate family members that on Christmas day we would not be seeing them and in fact our phones would be turned off.
Please understand that we have and still are spending the rest of this week making sure that everyone gets quality time spent with us to celebrate Christmas. And by celebrating I don't mean exchanging gifts, but just being together for even just an hour or so.
So this Christmas we slept in until around 10am. It felt great. No alarms. No people. Just each other. We woke up and went straight to the 4 foot Christmas tree and exchanged presents. We each got three for each other. We did quite well with the gifts I might add.
We made cinnamon rolls w/ icing for breakfast and we went back to bed and watched It's A Wonderful Life.
After that we got cleaned up and went to the movies to use some gift cards that we had received. After some discussion on what we should see we easily agreed on "Yes Man" with Jim Carrey. The movie theater is PACKED on Christmas day! The movie was pretty good and free.
When we left there we were hungry, but realized that nothing American would be open. So we headed towards Xing Xing, the sushi/japanese/chinese/ place a block away from our apt. I knew it would be open due to the fact that at the end of "A Christmas Story" the only place open for a meal was the Jap place....fa ra ra ra ra.....
We noticed Blockbuster and also The Pit sports grill was open. We went to the Pit and met some nice people, had a couple beers and watched the third quarter of the Lakers vs. Celtics. We stopped in and rented a couple of movies and headed home.
Ended the evening watching Hancock.
This is more a posting for me to jot down what happened today and soak it all in one more time before we wake up tomorrow and turn our phones back on and head back to work.
We decided to spend Christmas together by ourselves not because we don't like our families, but because we like each other more and needed to. Most Christmases I drive around all day stopping in here and there to make sure I have hit all the houses I need to so that nobody's feelings are hurt. I usually find myself feeling incredibly lonely and tired at the end of those days.
Not today.
It was the best Christmas I have had in many years and I feel satisfied that this was the best way I could have spent my first Christmas with my wife.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Things I Miss
The other day at work I was having a conversation with a friend about how there are certain things that we miss. Feelings that we will never have memories of, but that we will never experience again. Not that other situations or experiences are not as good as the previous, but there are just certain things that you miss. Maybe you can name a few. Here are some of mine.
Christmas morning as a child. Walking down the stairs in the morning to what seemed like an overwhelming amount of presents around the Christmas tree for everyone. There is nothing that will ever be like that. I suppose that one day having a child and seeing that look of amazement in their eyes will be as close to that as I will ever get again.
Playing sports for school. There is nothing like trying out for a basketball team with 80 guys trying out and being one of 11 making the team. There is nothing like the bond of 11 guys who work together and who would never all choose to hang out together, but are now like family. Wins, losses, practice, and parties with those guys for a few months every year taught me lessons that nothing else could have done quite the same.
Racing the bus driver. In middle school those of us at our bus stop would walk to the previous bus stop and wait for the bus to get there. Once it put the red flashing lights on we would take off and sprint back to our bus stop hoping to make it before the bus did. I think back and realize the driver probably would have never left us and probably thought we were stupid kids for doing this. It was only a block away between stops, but the adrenaline rush it was just about every morning for 3 years was incredible. Nothing can ever match that.
Anyways, there are moments in life that are significant, semi-important, or very ridiculous that happen and we will never experience anything like them again. I am pretty happy with the memories that I am making these days, it is just entertaining to look back and think about things that were a big part of my life that are totally unique in their own way.
Christmas morning as a child. Walking down the stairs in the morning to what seemed like an overwhelming amount of presents around the Christmas tree for everyone. There is nothing that will ever be like that. I suppose that one day having a child and seeing that look of amazement in their eyes will be as close to that as I will ever get again.
Playing sports for school. There is nothing like trying out for a basketball team with 80 guys trying out and being one of 11 making the team. There is nothing like the bond of 11 guys who work together and who would never all choose to hang out together, but are now like family. Wins, losses, practice, and parties with those guys for a few months every year taught me lessons that nothing else could have done quite the same.
Racing the bus driver. In middle school those of us at our bus stop would walk to the previous bus stop and wait for the bus to get there. Once it put the red flashing lights on we would take off and sprint back to our bus stop hoping to make it before the bus did. I think back and realize the driver probably would have never left us and probably thought we were stupid kids for doing this. It was only a block away between stops, but the adrenaline rush it was just about every morning for 3 years was incredible. Nothing can ever match that.
Anyways, there are moments in life that are significant, semi-important, or very ridiculous that happen and we will never experience anything like them again. I am pretty happy with the memories that I am making these days, it is just entertaining to look back and think about things that were a big part of my life that are totally unique in their own way.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Break Time
I have decided to take a break from God.
Ok, not really, but I was taught you needed an opening line that would spark interest and draw the reader in to continue to read.
You might not want to read, but if you have gotten this far you probably will and therefore I must continue this post. *having nothing to do with this i am currently watching Survivor Man and he is in 44 degree weather in the dark and starving. He just said, "I didn't sign up for this." But I think he did.*
Anyways, back to my original sentence. I am taking a break from church for a while. Please don't get me wrong.... this is NOT a "The church is so messed up and has ruined my brain and I hate it" kind of thing. This also is NOT "People at church piss me off and judge me and I am sick of it" sort of post either.
This IS what this is:
I have been attending church since I was a fetus. I can't remember that far back, but I am taking my mom's word for it. She probably has lied about things here and there in the past, but I have no reason to believe that she is not telling me the truth in this instance. Not only have I been going to church that long I have other accomplishments on my list:
I also went to Sunday School from the time I was a child until my first year in college.
I know more than one verse of A LOT of hymns.
When I was in the 3rd grade I knew all of the books of the bible in order and I got a pin for it.
In the 6th grade I was at a conference with the youth group and I lifted my hands for the first time in a worship service. It was tough, but I loved Jesus.
In the 8th grade I was allowed to be on a drama team at church when I really wasn't supposed to be on it until the 9th grade. We got to do a drama skit in front of 3,000+ people at the conference I mentioned previously one year.
Before I get to high school I would like to mention that I read the entire book of Revelation in the 6th grade and wrote my first sermon shortly thereafter.
In high school once I year I took a stand for Jesus and attended See You At The Pole and prayed for the "lost" students at my school and thanked God that He had kept me from the things that they wrapped their lives around.
I played basketball ball for school during high school and my nickname was "The Reverend" because I would lead the prayer before the games.
Also during basketball season one year I severely injured my foot, but before going to the doctor the next morning I walked around on it all evening to attend my FAITH group and witness. It turned out that I had a badly sprained heel (who knew you could do that), 2 torn ligaments in my foot, and a chipped bone also. It hurt, but I loved Jesus.
It was in high school that I learned how to play the guitar because I saw a need in my youth group and thought I could help a situation. I began to lead worship at the age of 17 still a shy kid who could barely speak to people he did not know.
3 days after I graduated high school I left to dedicate my summer to leading worship to thousands of teenagers all over the USA for summer missions camps. Technically, I should not have gotten that job until I had finished one year of college, but my youth pastor pulled some strings and the people saw a kid with great potential and a humble heart. I did that job for 4 summers.
Because of those camps I got gigs playing at church youth events on weekends and eventually also got some speaking opportunities. I have preached at contemporary and EXTREMELY traditional churches on Sunday mornings.
I mentioned I went to Sunday School through the first year of college. You might think that I decided to rebel after that, but not true... I was leading worship for a church when I was 19 and couldn't attend the Sunday School classes.
Most recently I worked for a church that runs around 12,000 and was asked by the head pastor to help with their contemporary service on Sunday mornings.
I also registered as a Republican because that's the only party that God had favor on.
..............................ok
I hope you haven't thrown up yet. I did about halfway through and came back to finish the rest. These are the reasons that I must take a break from church. My life has been consumed in this world that has kept me from the reality in which everyone else has lived. I have "taken stands" and "been set apart" so many times that I have never really known what it is like to relate to the people that I work with or the people that I randomly have a conversation with at the gas station or wherever.
I felt "called to the ministry" in high school, but I never knew what that meant because I wondered aren't we all called to ministry? Do we not all have a duty to love people and interact with them in the same ways that Jesus did? What I have never thought that "ministry" was supposed to be was for me to be so wrapped up in the church lifestyle as we know it that I have no idea how to have normal, honest, and important conversations with people that aren't familiar with church vocabulary.
I do still feel that my call to ministry is a tad different however, I just haven't figured out exactly what it means.
First Orlando had to make a bunch of budget cut backs due to the economic crisis in our country. A good friend of mine who's wedding I was recently in just lost his full time job at the church. Services that I was involved in were all canceled and so here I am.
Please understand that I am not bitter at any church or any pastor or anyone. But for the reasons I mentioned earlier that made myself sick, I must take a break. Like I said, I have been going since I was in the womb. Please don't pray for my spiritual state (well you can, but just don't think I'm taking a break from church because I don't like Jesus as much). I am not taking a break from God, don't get it wrong. I am not taking a break from tithing. I am not taking a break from seeking Jesus in the things that happen around me every day.
I am taking a break from church so that when I return I will want to attend and not be obligated to do so. I want to go to church not because I will get paid for doing music. I want church to be something that I look forward to and not something that on Saturday night I say, "I wish tomorrow wasn't Sunday." I want to go to church and want to invest in the ministry for real.
I want to go to church and not judge everyone around me. I want to go to church and not think that I am better than most of the people there.
Forgive the long post. If you have made it this far I hope that this had made a bit of sense and you understand my heart. I listed those "accomplishments" not to mock them, but to show you how much of my life has been wrapped up in this church world and so that you can say, "yeah....he deserves some time off."
I still love Jesus.
I still love the church.
I just need to focus more on one than the other.
Ok, not really, but I was taught you needed an opening line that would spark interest and draw the reader in to continue to read.
You might not want to read, but if you have gotten this far you probably will and therefore I must continue this post. *having nothing to do with this i am currently watching Survivor Man and he is in 44 degree weather in the dark and starving. He just said, "I didn't sign up for this." But I think he did.*
Anyways, back to my original sentence. I am taking a break from church for a while. Please don't get me wrong.... this is NOT a "The church is so messed up and has ruined my brain and I hate it" kind of thing. This also is NOT "People at church piss me off and judge me and I am sick of it" sort of post either.
This IS what this is:
I have been attending church since I was a fetus. I can't remember that far back, but I am taking my mom's word for it. She probably has lied about things here and there in the past, but I have no reason to believe that she is not telling me the truth in this instance. Not only have I been going to church that long I have other accomplishments on my list:
I also went to Sunday School from the time I was a child until my first year in college.
I know more than one verse of A LOT of hymns.
When I was in the 3rd grade I knew all of the books of the bible in order and I got a pin for it.
In the 6th grade I was at a conference with the youth group and I lifted my hands for the first time in a worship service. It was tough, but I loved Jesus.
In the 8th grade I was allowed to be on a drama team at church when I really wasn't supposed to be on it until the 9th grade. We got to do a drama skit in front of 3,000+ people at the conference I mentioned previously one year.
Before I get to high school I would like to mention that I read the entire book of Revelation in the 6th grade and wrote my first sermon shortly thereafter.
In high school once I year I took a stand for Jesus and attended See You At The Pole and prayed for the "lost" students at my school and thanked God that He had kept me from the things that they wrapped their lives around.
I played basketball ball for school during high school and my nickname was "The Reverend" because I would lead the prayer before the games.
Also during basketball season one year I severely injured my foot, but before going to the doctor the next morning I walked around on it all evening to attend my FAITH group and witness. It turned out that I had a badly sprained heel (who knew you could do that), 2 torn ligaments in my foot, and a chipped bone also. It hurt, but I loved Jesus.
It was in high school that I learned how to play the guitar because I saw a need in my youth group and thought I could help a situation. I began to lead worship at the age of 17 still a shy kid who could barely speak to people he did not know.
3 days after I graduated high school I left to dedicate my summer to leading worship to thousands of teenagers all over the USA for summer missions camps. Technically, I should not have gotten that job until I had finished one year of college, but my youth pastor pulled some strings and the people saw a kid with great potential and a humble heart. I did that job for 4 summers.
Because of those camps I got gigs playing at church youth events on weekends and eventually also got some speaking opportunities. I have preached at contemporary and EXTREMELY traditional churches on Sunday mornings.
I mentioned I went to Sunday School through the first year of college. You might think that I decided to rebel after that, but not true... I was leading worship for a church when I was 19 and couldn't attend the Sunday School classes.
Most recently I worked for a church that runs around 12,000 and was asked by the head pastor to help with their contemporary service on Sunday mornings.
I also registered as a Republican because that's the only party that God had favor on.
..............................ok
I hope you haven't thrown up yet. I did about halfway through and came back to finish the rest. These are the reasons that I must take a break from church. My life has been consumed in this world that has kept me from the reality in which everyone else has lived. I have "taken stands" and "been set apart" so many times that I have never really known what it is like to relate to the people that I work with or the people that I randomly have a conversation with at the gas station or wherever.
I felt "called to the ministry" in high school, but I never knew what that meant because I wondered aren't we all called to ministry? Do we not all have a duty to love people and interact with them in the same ways that Jesus did? What I have never thought that "ministry" was supposed to be was for me to be so wrapped up in the church lifestyle as we know it that I have no idea how to have normal, honest, and important conversations with people that aren't familiar with church vocabulary.
I do still feel that my call to ministry is a tad different however, I just haven't figured out exactly what it means.
First Orlando had to make a bunch of budget cut backs due to the economic crisis in our country. A good friend of mine who's wedding I was recently in just lost his full time job at the church. Services that I was involved in were all canceled and so here I am.
Please understand that I am not bitter at any church or any pastor or anyone. But for the reasons I mentioned earlier that made myself sick, I must take a break. Like I said, I have been going since I was in the womb. Please don't pray for my spiritual state (well you can, but just don't think I'm taking a break from church because I don't like Jesus as much). I am not taking a break from God, don't get it wrong. I am not taking a break from tithing. I am not taking a break from seeking Jesus in the things that happen around me every day.
I am taking a break from church so that when I return I will want to attend and not be obligated to do so. I want to go to church not because I will get paid for doing music. I want church to be something that I look forward to and not something that on Saturday night I say, "I wish tomorrow wasn't Sunday." I want to go to church and want to invest in the ministry for real.
I want to go to church and not judge everyone around me. I want to go to church and not think that I am better than most of the people there.
Forgive the long post. If you have made it this far I hope that this had made a bit of sense and you understand my heart. I listed those "accomplishments" not to mock them, but to show you how much of my life has been wrapped up in this church world and so that you can say, "yeah....he deserves some time off."
I still love Jesus.
I still love the church.
I just need to focus more on one than the other.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Football Update
I would love to see Texas Tech play Florida in the national championship game.
Points on Football after this week:
1. UCF has the worst offense still in the entire country.
2. There really is nobody that can stop UF right now. They are ridiculous and will easily throw up 40+ points on Alabama in the SEC title game.
3. Texas Tech I don't think can beat Oklahoma... but I didn't think they could beat Texas either.
4. FSU... nobody cares.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Seriously, you need to watch this
A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to return to my previous church and take part in a wonderful event. It was called a healing service and it covered all aspects of life. It was a moment where everybody that shared or asked for prayer was honest about an aspect of their life that needs healing that only Jesus can truly provide. From serious physical problems and diseases to very real heart break over finances, relationships, loneliness...etc.
I went that morning to share a song I had written that happened to make sense with the service. I had written the song called "Jesus Come Be" a couple of months earlier and it basically came from the idea that only Jesus can be everything that we truly need. My favorite line in the chorus is: "Come be our love, for we've given everything" and also the bridge that says "Shine... shine through it all, shine through us all".
There is something very strange that contrasts with the successful American Dream way of life where in our weakness Jesus shines brighter than we normally are able to see. Charlie Hall has a new album titled "Bright Sadness" and it portrays the idea that these two things are so opposite, but they come together so strong in Christ.
I drove to Eastpoint that morning a bit tired and expecting church. About ten minutes into the first of 3 services I remembered that Jesus was there. My heart was open and sensitive as average people expressed normal insecurities about themselves and as people shared deep pain in their lives that they needed people to pray for them so that they could see Jesus in those moments.
The following video was a part of one of the church services @ First Orlando, my new church home. There are so many things about this video that are beautiful. To me this is a continuation of the same spirit of the service at Eastpoint. You don't have to watch this, but I would say that it is one of the best videos of all time and you probably will thank me after you do.
You have to click the title of this post to get to the video. It took me way too long to figure out how to do this.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Yes
I would just like to point out that on my last post I have 15 comments to date. That is the most comments I have ever seen posted on a blog of someone with my stature. Now onto the subject that is more important than politics and abortion:
Football
1. I had Georgia winning by 10 today. Mainly because they seem to have low scoring, close games with Spurrier as the coach of South Carolina. They won by a touchdown and I don't think they are bad for it, but I don't think they will stay #2.
2. USC is sick nasty and Ohio State is sick to their stomach. Seriously, you know it is bad when ESPN, who used to change OSU's diapers, is stating the truth and dogging them big time for being exposed repeatedly in big games and not only not being able to win, but just being embarrassed every time. USC is obviously #1 and if Georgia is #2 then USC should think about playing in the NFL to keep things fair. OSU can kiss playing in championship games goodbye.
3. Mark May on ESPN is a bad analyst. Last week when he tried to interrupt Lou Holtz in the middle of a statement Holtz said, "Oh, let's just ask Mark because he obviously knows everything there is to know about football." Props to Lou for sticking it to the guy and props to Jesus for allowing me to see it.
4. USF keeps pulling these wins out of their butt pads and I honestly respect them now. It wasn't just a fluke here and there, but they are actually a pretty solid mid-major team. Grothe has a lot of heart at QB and I hope they keep winning.
5. Miami coach should stop crying about UF coach Urban Meyer running up the score on him. The week before when Miami was playing a no name school they were up by 35 points with 6 minutes to go in the 4th quarter and on 4th and 6 at the opponents 20 yard line they went for it. So trying to play this card of everybody should feel sorry for us and the recruits will come to UM because they can see ALL THE CLASS that the school has compared to UF should really stop. I believe when you play competitively starting in middle school or at least high school if you don't want the score run up on you then you should play some defense.
6. I feel bad for UCF. They always seem to ALMOST get the break they need to win the big games. It just never pans out. Their biggest problem now is that their offense struggles big time. They are going to have problems when East Carolina plays them.
7. FSU... nobody cares.
8. UF had the day off. They play TN next week and although TN lost to UCLA opening week, this one will be tough. I have been to this game two times at UT and it is a tough place to play. UF has ridic talent on offense, but they seem a little out of synch right now. Big ups for the UF defense who is playing solid against a Hawaii team who spreads it out a lot and against Miami who has some quick players on offense. I have UF by 17 next week over Tennessee.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Weak
We are less than 3 months away from all of this election drivel coming to an end. There are many things that are annoying about election season, but this small writing is to focus on something that has crossed my mind the last 4 years especially.
The "Religious Right" has given Christians the ability to become ignorant in politics. This whole movement became popular and greatly influenced my thoughts on politics growing up. Basically their main contention is this:
As a Christian you should not vote for anyone who takes a pro-choice stance on abortion.
Obviously there are many more arguments from this group of people involving politics, but this is their biggest and the one that defines their vote.
My response will be numbered:
1. This reasoning allows for incredible laziness. That basically tells people, "don't worry about any issue besides one. If the candidate supports pro-choice, then don't vote for them. It doesn't matter what the other person's stances are on every other subject, if they are against abortion then you should vote for them."
2. Roe vs. Wade happened in 1973. That is ten years before I was born. How long are we going to put all of our chips in that hand?
3. Every conservative candidate that has been on the ticket for the Republicans since Roe vs. Wade has been in favor of allowing abortions in certain circumstances (mainly if the life of the mother is in danger). If I were in a debate and I had the Repubs declaring that it was murder to abort a baby I would easily argue that there is no way they can allow for abortions in certain circumstances because that would still be murder. But you don't hear pastors that bash pro-choice say anything about that. It wouldn't be good for their argument.
4. The last poll on Pres. George W. showed that only 64% of Republicans favored his leadership. That is incredibly low for your own side. But even now if it were George W. vs. Obama or anybody for that matter the Relig Right would still tell you to vote for W. even though you know how terrible of a job he has done. No matter how much money he wants to waste on sending our troops to die for a meaningless cause... abortion would still be more important. No matter how shady and secretive his administration has been... the only thing that would matter would be his stance on abortion and you would still be told to vote for him. That is stupid.
5. This is probably my last point on this. All of this nonsense assumes that God would be surprised if a Democrat won the election... and if that person did then God couldn't carry out His plans for the country or whatever you believe in that matter. Do you really think that religion plays that big of a role in politics? Maybe the church should be under more persecution in this country so we actually have something to fight for. Maybe we should not be allowed to go to church anymore or read our bibles. Maybe then we could actually care about carrying out the plans of Jesus and not think that it all depends on who is in the White House. Maybe we should take more responsibility in our homes and fess up that our families are a mess because of us and not because of Washington.
Nobody wants to take responsibility for anything and that is what is frustrating. We minimize this election to abortion and stupid commercials. McCain is running ads that compare Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears and we laugh even though we know that is weak and stupid. Obama runs a strong and positive campaign and it is hard for us to find things wrong with him. He has integrity, he respects his opponents and he speaks as well or better than Ronald Reagan. So we go back to the abortion issue.
Weak.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Reasons Why The Olympics Are Amazing
1. At no other point in 4 years would I call my friends at 11pm knowing that they would be awake and we could scream and giggle like little girls over a swimming race that we just watched.
2. I love volleyball. Specifically...guys indoor volleyball. This is the only time that I can watch guys volleyball at 3am by myself and nobody thinks I'm a fag.
3. I wake up exhausted every single day. Yet I feel amazing because I'm an American.
4. My eyes are opened to new amazing things like handball. Then I dream that I will begin the American Olympic team for that sport.
5. I still don't understand what is so great about watching the 100m sprint. But it is so great.
6. Shawn Johnson
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Camp
3 days ago I was white water rafting with some friends and a guide named "Trashcan" in Tennessee. A couple days before that I conquered a huge fear of mine and went down an 80 foot water slide.
2 months ago my former youth pastor asked if I could lead worship at his church's youth camp. I could bring anybody that I wanted to play in a band with me. The camp speaker that week was a guy who was my counselor my first ever camp the summer before I started 6th grade. The schedule at last weeks camp was almost identical to the camp schedule I knew growing up and going to every year until I graduated high school.
I don't think anybody really knew how much I needed a break from my job as a server at a restaurant and just to get away from orlando for a short time. I was feeling as though I was almost useless in my friendships and relationships with people because I was always so fatigued and just unhappy many times due to schedules and not being able to see my wife as much as I have wanted to. I just needed a breath of fresh air.
There are many great things about camp. Rafting, cabins, music, cafeteria food, crazy kids. I used to go to camp to experience some super high emotion and I would relate it to my relationship with Jesus. If I didn't experience that then camp wasn't as good as the previous year. I'm a bit older now and a little wiser, but sometimes I don't allow my heart to be open at all to experiences of any kind. For this trip I just wanted to experience something....anything really. I needed to feel an emotion of any kind and not just continue in the mundane way of life I was growing accustomed to.
As I look back on this last week many things stick out in my mind, but the one that is overwhelming is the thankfulness of real friends. The group of people that traveled with me to TN was made up of people that I think everybody should at least meet once in their lives. I laughed more with these people this week than I have since we found out a year ago that my mom had cancer. I know a lot of people may not think of laughing as super spiritual, but I can tell you that the laughter of last week healed my soul in ways that I cannot express and in ways that nothing else has been able to do. We would sit around in the cabin and play nerdy games like scrabble (which I love and am amazing at) and chess (which I don't understand) and checkers as well. We would just sit and watch youtube videos or just sit around and relax and talk with each other. We had a car packed full of people for a 9 hour drive and although at some points I thought there might be a murder about to take place... we laughed so hard... and it was so good.
We get to split a check 7 ways for leading worship all week at the camp, which isn't a whole lot of money after the split, but it is still nice to get paid for having a blast all week. Yet I feel like even if I could give every person that went with me $1,000 that wouldn't be enough for me to thank them.
I am a quiet guy a lot of times and I internalize so much and people have no idea what is going on or how to help or anything... and mostly I like it that way. But Jesus has a way of knowing everything and he knew that more than needing to feel some spiritual high or anything of that sort that I needed to laugh and I needed to laugh hard. Thank you to everybody that lived with me in a cabin last week. It reminded me of how lucky and blessed I am to know all of those people and that they would take a week to come with me to the middle of nowhere. Some were family, some were friends that are like family, and some weren't even close to either of those statements... but the reality is that they were all like Jesus sitting around laughing with me last week and in an subtle way reminding me that Jesus laughed and He cried and understands because He once was here.
You never hear in the bible about Jesus laughing because it was probably of little importance to the writers, but I often wonder what the sound of his laugh was like. If he wept then I'm pretty sure he had a great laugh.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
We live in a moment called "now"
On Friday after a long day of work my mom talked to Brittany and I over the phone and gave us these words:
"They say if I live for another year it would be a miracle."
I held close to my new wife as she cried and as I thought. I thought about a lot of things in that moment. Mostly they came back to a constant thought of "wow, this is crazy."
My mom cried and I felt her pain. She apologized a number of times, though nothing was she at fault for. She never smoked, had a few glasses of champagne, never did drugs, and always was in good physical shape...and yet here she was...apologizing.
I took the phone as Brittany cried and I listened to my mom talk about how she wanted to do so many things before this all happened. She told me how she had to walk out of a restaurant because the sight of elderly people and babies and happy families was a little too much to deal with after just hearing the doctors prediction.
There are probably many reasons that I did not cry in that moment...not one of them being that I'm a cold hearted bastard. I just didn't cry. It could be that I had expected this to happen for some time. It could be that I was in too much shock to understand the weight of it all. Maybe it was that I felt that it wasn't the right time for me to cry with my mom, but to be gentle and comforting without sounding like a slobbering baby.
If you ever want advice from me you cannot get it if you just tell me the situation in 5 minutes and it be a serious one and then ask me what you should do. 1. I don't know 2. If I say anything I want it to be somewhat intelligent and thought out so that if you take my advice to heart it doesn't lead you into a bad place.
But this time I did not need much time to think about what kind of advice to give my mom. I mean, I can't really heal her and I can't tell her how to heal herself. I had one thought as soon as she told me what the doctor said and that one thought still lingers in my mind and has been reaffirmed by others I believe. This one thought may be why I didn't cry...
"You are alive just the same as the rest of us."
Please don't get me wrong and think that I am saying that I believe that God will heal my mom and that the cancer will go away and that she will be totally fine. Because I don't believe that. Not that I don't believe that God can do that, I'm just not putting my eggs in that basket. What if I'm not supposed to pray for my mom's healing. I mean that IS what I want, but in the garden Jesus didn't get what he wanted. He confessed what it was, but his prayer ultimately was "God do whatever you want". I will easily have Jesus tell God on my behalf that I would love for my mom's cancer to go away...but it is a little easier in some way to just tell God to do His thing in the end. It greatly reduces the disappointment when I don't get my way and I think it's because I didn't pray hard enough or I didn't have enough faith.
Anyways....back to my mom and to the rest of us....we are alive. And we are all going to die. I can't escape it any more than my mom can. Just because a doctor tells my mom she will live another year if she is lucky does not guarantee that I will live another year. You see what I'm saying here? If we focus totally on the future whatever it may be...good or bad...marriage or death...then what the hell is going on right now?
The truth is that the doctor doesn't know the future any more than I do. Again not saying my mom's cancer will be healed if we all pray hard enough...I'm just saying that we live in this moment. A very very bad preacher I heard in high school once said something very very good. He said, "We live in a moment called "now"". And that is the truth. All that you and I have is to build off of the past, not to linger on it...to hope in the future, not to linger on it...and to live right now in this moment that we are a part of.
How much time do we waste wrapping our lives up in this idea that we aren't exactly where we are supposed to be and once we get there God can really use us or once we get there we will be happy or once we get there (fill in your own blank). I would say we probably are in our lives where we are for some reason and God can probably use any of us in any situation, not matter how dull or mundane or normal our lives are. All I have is now. All my mom has is now. She can choose to live now or spend her time now thinking about tomorrow. I can choose to live now or to spend my time thinking about tomorrow.
The problem with tomorrow is that it rarely comes.
"They say if I live for another year it would be a miracle."
I held close to my new wife as she cried and as I thought. I thought about a lot of things in that moment. Mostly they came back to a constant thought of "wow, this is crazy."
My mom cried and I felt her pain. She apologized a number of times, though nothing was she at fault for. She never smoked, had a few glasses of champagne, never did drugs, and always was in good physical shape...and yet here she was...apologizing.
I took the phone as Brittany cried and I listened to my mom talk about how she wanted to do so many things before this all happened. She told me how she had to walk out of a restaurant because the sight of elderly people and babies and happy families was a little too much to deal with after just hearing the doctors prediction.
There are probably many reasons that I did not cry in that moment...not one of them being that I'm a cold hearted bastard. I just didn't cry. It could be that I had expected this to happen for some time. It could be that I was in too much shock to understand the weight of it all. Maybe it was that I felt that it wasn't the right time for me to cry with my mom, but to be gentle and comforting without sounding like a slobbering baby.
If you ever want advice from me you cannot get it if you just tell me the situation in 5 minutes and it be a serious one and then ask me what you should do. 1. I don't know 2. If I say anything I want it to be somewhat intelligent and thought out so that if you take my advice to heart it doesn't lead you into a bad place.
But this time I did not need much time to think about what kind of advice to give my mom. I mean, I can't really heal her and I can't tell her how to heal herself. I had one thought as soon as she told me what the doctor said and that one thought still lingers in my mind and has been reaffirmed by others I believe. This one thought may be why I didn't cry...
"You are alive just the same as the rest of us."
Please don't get me wrong and think that I am saying that I believe that God will heal my mom and that the cancer will go away and that she will be totally fine. Because I don't believe that. Not that I don't believe that God can do that, I'm just not putting my eggs in that basket. What if I'm not supposed to pray for my mom's healing. I mean that IS what I want, but in the garden Jesus didn't get what he wanted. He confessed what it was, but his prayer ultimately was "God do whatever you want". I will easily have Jesus tell God on my behalf that I would love for my mom's cancer to go away...but it is a little easier in some way to just tell God to do His thing in the end. It greatly reduces the disappointment when I don't get my way and I think it's because I didn't pray hard enough or I didn't have enough faith.
Anyways....back to my mom and to the rest of us....we are alive. And we are all going to die. I can't escape it any more than my mom can. Just because a doctor tells my mom she will live another year if she is lucky does not guarantee that I will live another year. You see what I'm saying here? If we focus totally on the future whatever it may be...good or bad...marriage or death...then what the hell is going on right now?
The truth is that the doctor doesn't know the future any more than I do. Again not saying my mom's cancer will be healed if we all pray hard enough...I'm just saying that we live in this moment. A very very bad preacher I heard in high school once said something very very good. He said, "We live in a moment called "now"". And that is the truth. All that you and I have is to build off of the past, not to linger on it...to hope in the future, not to linger on it...and to live right now in this moment that we are a part of.
How much time do we waste wrapping our lives up in this idea that we aren't exactly where we are supposed to be and once we get there God can really use us or once we get there we will be happy or once we get there (fill in your own blank). I would say we probably are in our lives where we are for some reason and God can probably use any of us in any situation, not matter how dull or mundane or normal our lives are. All I have is now. All my mom has is now. She can choose to live now or spend her time now thinking about tomorrow. I can choose to live now or to spend my time thinking about tomorrow.
The problem with tomorrow is that it rarely comes.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Thinking
So I have been living on my own for a couple of months now. This means that when I am home I don't have to worry about 5 other people and 2 dogs. I don't have cable or even regular channel television and for the first time in a while I am able to relax and think. I am able to process life and my relation to it. And it has been so good.
I am able to sit and in the quietness allow my mind to think and not be distracted by much of anything. My mind usually thinks of three things I have noticed.
1. People
2. Music
3. Jesus
I have plenty of time after getting off work late to wind down and dwell on the beauty of the people that I am blessed to know and also I have time to think about how much I dislike certain people...but graciously God allows me to realize that there are a lot more people that I love.
I dwell on the beauty of getting married in two weeks. My appreciation has grown for Brittany as I am surrounded by the truth of love and the depth of our relationship as I sit and think. I can think of all the things wrong with me and how people can have very valid reasons that they don't like me and Brittany knows all of these things and in them loves me in a way that only Jesus can facilitate.
I think of the greatness of the friendships that I share with people who I understand are so much more valuable than the average person could see. I have this gift of being able to see things about people that I feel like Jesus sees and many miss. I think about those things in my friends and how God uses their gifts to reach into my life and show me His heart. And I am amazed and blessed to know these people and even more so be able to call them friends.
I understand the value of a family that actually loves me deeply...and I think.
Music has this way of reaching into your heart and soul like nothing else. It affects me greatly and for some reason I am allowed to have some musical ability. I listen and I watch youtube videos of performances and I smile because it soothes. I have time to write and to work on songs that come from my heart and I don't have to worry about waking up the family. I can sit and worship like I need to alone and with a free mind.
I have tried to run away from music since I fell in love with it as a child and for the first time I am allowing myself to completely embrace it and go with it and it is impacting my life in ways that are hard to describe. I dream of ways that my music can comfort others. I wonder what could happen if I continue to embrace this gift that Jesus has given me. Not that I wonder about becoming famous or being well known. I wonder could my songs impact others to where they smile or cry or worship at the end of a day...I wonder.
And in the process of all of these thoughts Jesus is continually there and He becomes more clear when I sit and just think about this thing called life. I have always said that Jesus is involved with all aspects of our life, but lately I seem to be believing it much more. I look at everything and all I can think of is how He is consistently loving me through these people and these things.
Sometimes it is so hard to let all of these thoughts wind down and go to sleep. I love thinking.
I am able to sit and in the quietness allow my mind to think and not be distracted by much of anything. My mind usually thinks of three things I have noticed.
1. People
2. Music
3. Jesus
I have plenty of time after getting off work late to wind down and dwell on the beauty of the people that I am blessed to know and also I have time to think about how much I dislike certain people...but graciously God allows me to realize that there are a lot more people that I love.
I dwell on the beauty of getting married in two weeks. My appreciation has grown for Brittany as I am surrounded by the truth of love and the depth of our relationship as I sit and think. I can think of all the things wrong with me and how people can have very valid reasons that they don't like me and Brittany knows all of these things and in them loves me in a way that only Jesus can facilitate.
I think of the greatness of the friendships that I share with people who I understand are so much more valuable than the average person could see. I have this gift of being able to see things about people that I feel like Jesus sees and many miss. I think about those things in my friends and how God uses their gifts to reach into my life and show me His heart. And I am amazed and blessed to know these people and even more so be able to call them friends.
I understand the value of a family that actually loves me deeply...and I think.
Music has this way of reaching into your heart and soul like nothing else. It affects me greatly and for some reason I am allowed to have some musical ability. I listen and I watch youtube videos of performances and I smile because it soothes. I have time to write and to work on songs that come from my heart and I don't have to worry about waking up the family. I can sit and worship like I need to alone and with a free mind.
I have tried to run away from music since I fell in love with it as a child and for the first time I am allowing myself to completely embrace it and go with it and it is impacting my life in ways that are hard to describe. I dream of ways that my music can comfort others. I wonder what could happen if I continue to embrace this gift that Jesus has given me. Not that I wonder about becoming famous or being well known. I wonder could my songs impact others to where they smile or cry or worship at the end of a day...I wonder.
And in the process of all of these thoughts Jesus is continually there and He becomes more clear when I sit and just think about this thing called life. I have always said that Jesus is involved with all aspects of our life, but lately I seem to be believing it much more. I look at everything and all I can think of is how He is consistently loving me through these people and these things.
Sometimes it is so hard to let all of these thoughts wind down and go to sleep. I love thinking.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Forgetting I'd Heard It Before
After one of those nights were everything sucks and you feel emotionally drained due to the weight of everything I couldn't get this song out of my head that I am helping a friend write. It is based out of Romans 8. I have read Romans 8 many times throughout my life I am sure. I have heard the scriptures in Romans 8 probably A MILLION times. So I went and looked up the verses the song is based off of in the message translation and tried to read them as if I had never heard them before...as if this was the first time I had ever seen these words:
After I read that I cried.
Don't worry, you don't have to.
26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
29-30God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.
31-39So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:
They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.
After I read that I cried.
Don't worry, you don't have to.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
For many a moon I determined not to fall into the facebook craze. Now I know that every man falls. I could talk about all the negatives to facebook, but we all know them deep in our hearts...so I'll reach to the positive:
FB reminds me of a blessed life that I have been able to lead. People told me I should get FB to keep up with old friends, but honestly I won't be keeping up with these people. I communicate with current friends around my area via FB. The greatest thing though is just being able to see these people's names and faces that I have not seen for years.
I'm reminded of small moments in high school where a girl named Brooke was so nice to me being the new kid in school for no other reason but that she is just nice to everybody.
I'm reminded of the summers that I was on staff for World Changers and small things like being at training and watching ludacris music videos w/ one of the tech guys. And I see one of the guys that was one of the other music leaders and now is in Iraq and his FB status is "I can't wait to get home"...I know that guy, or I did for a time. And though we haven't talked in over a year I still feel his heart and sympathize with him because I know the kind of guy he is.
Or random people I have met doing a weekend thing at some church somewhere and it reminds me of my story and how blessed I am to be able to ever do any of the stuff I have done over the last 6 years.
I'm trying to become more aware of the beauty of the moments that I live in. I once heard a very very bad preacher say something very good that stuck with me..."you only live in a moment called now".
I don't know how long I'll be able to do the things that I have the opportunity of doing right now. Making music, my friends, where I live could all change drastically in the next 6 years so I'm trying to be more encouraging and more understanding and more patient. I'm definitely failing at the patient thing right now because these spanish jehovahs witness people keep knocking on my door every week and I'm almost over it.
Thank you FB.
FB reminds me of a blessed life that I have been able to lead. People told me I should get FB to keep up with old friends, but honestly I won't be keeping up with these people. I communicate with current friends around my area via FB. The greatest thing though is just being able to see these people's names and faces that I have not seen for years.
I'm reminded of small moments in high school where a girl named Brooke was so nice to me being the new kid in school for no other reason but that she is just nice to everybody.
I'm reminded of the summers that I was on staff for World Changers and small things like being at training and watching ludacris music videos w/ one of the tech guys. And I see one of the guys that was one of the other music leaders and now is in Iraq and his FB status is "I can't wait to get home"...I know that guy, or I did for a time. And though we haven't talked in over a year I still feel his heart and sympathize with him because I know the kind of guy he is.
Or random people I have met doing a weekend thing at some church somewhere and it reminds me of my story and how blessed I am to be able to ever do any of the stuff I have done over the last 6 years.
I'm trying to become more aware of the beauty of the moments that I live in. I once heard a very very bad preacher say something very good that stuck with me..."you only live in a moment called now".
I don't know how long I'll be able to do the things that I have the opportunity of doing right now. Making music, my friends, where I live could all change drastically in the next 6 years so I'm trying to be more encouraging and more understanding and more patient. I'm definitely failing at the patient thing right now because these spanish jehovahs witness people keep knocking on my door every week and I'm almost over it.
Thank you FB.
Friday, February 29, 2008
My Story
I grew up in in church my entire life. My mom and dad were divorced at some point while my mom was pregnant with me. Somehow they have always had a descent relationship as long as I can remember. When I was 1 year old my mom remarried and I lived with them growing up and saw my dad every other weekend. I have always had a great relationship with my dad and also my stepdad helped raise me so it was kind of like having 2 dads. My dad also remarried when I was 4 and I have two siblings w/ them that I consider to be just like real sister and brother.
When I was a sophomore in high school my mom and stepdad split up after being married for 15 years. I was always a very shy and quiet kid and kind of internalized how I dealt with everything. My mom and stepdad were always extremely involved in church and taught high school sunday school together and all of that stuff. I was kind of pissed at God because I felt like we did everything Christian we were supposed to and this still happened to us. But we all still kept going to church as if nothing was really wrong.
My mom and I lived together in an apartment for a couple of years as I ended high school. I switched to University HS middle of my junior year for a lot of reasons, but mainly for some type of change. Around my junior year I began to teach myself how to play the guitar. At our youth group worship was being led by these silly music tracks and our awkward youth pastor and I felt like I was supposed to help the situation.
All I really did was sit around and learn worship songs on the guitar and when I was 17 I started leading worship at my youth group having no real idea what I was doing. Aaron played with me then too.
I went on a mission trip called World Changers after my junior year and in the midst of still not liking Jesus very much I felt some type of call to ministry. I am still not sure exactly what that entails because I think all of us are called into ministry as Christians, but for some reason I feel like I am gifted with certain things that maybe makes it possible for me to be in leadership of some sort. And remember I was so shy and could barely talk to anybody.
I believe that God put the guitar in my hands to break out of that shell and be able to communicate with people and to be able to better love people. After my senior year of high school I was able to work in the summers for the World Changers camp as worship leader and last summer I was able to speak at a couple of the camps. I don't say that to try to impress people, but if you only knew how shy I was and how much I didn't really trust in Jesus when I felt a call to do something in ministry...it blows my mind still.
My mom remarried when I was away at the missions camp my first summer after graduating. When I came back I moved in w/ my grandma for a while. Right at the time that I had decided I was going to stop worrying about dating people because it seemed like nobody would fit my complex life and personality...I met Brittany a little over 3 years ago. I believe that Brittany is the greatest person that I have ever met and I am blessed to be able to know her so well. I would recommend that everyone get to know her because they will be tremendously blessed by someone who loves people very well and is a true friend. This past summer we both got to intern at a church up in Maryland all summer and it was beautiful. At the end of the summer on August 8th I proposed to her and we left Maryland a few days later to come back and celebrate with our family here.
On August 15th we found out that my mom had a mass in her body the size of a tennis ball. A rare type of cancer of the adrenal gland that nobody knows much about, but the statistics aren't good. Doctors here wouldn't do the surgery b/c they thought it too dangerous. On September 12th my mom had surgery in Arizona by a small group of doctors who studied the cancer. The tumor had worked its way through many of her veins and somehow by a miracle they were able to get all of the tumor out that day.
She has been on chemo since then pretty hard core. I was speaking at a church back in December and my mom found out that it looked like there was a spot on her liver and was pretty shaken up. They did an ultrasound that week and told her that it turned out to be nothing and to have a good holiday season.
Now the catscan has revealed the spot was something and it has tripled in size since Dec. There are also spots on her lungs and a couple of other places. She cannot get the treatment here but will have to choose from either TX, AZ, or SC and travel there for a week at a time to get the specific chemo treatments. The news is not good.
Her main concern is not ruining the wedding, although that obviously is the last of worries right now. Her husband is not taking it well and is so scared and I don't think he knows how to deal with it. My mom has consistently been positive through this and has shown me the face of Jesus.
I am supposed to be the strong one through all of this for my mom. I will always remember being in the doctors office when they told her she had cancer and it was very serious in a very late stage. I remember the numbness waiting in the hospital for the doctors to tell us if they were able to get all of the tumor. I remember my mom hugging me and crying telling me how scared she is. I know what its like to lead in worship and barely be able to get out the words, "And right now in the good times and bad you are on your throne...you are God alone."
I write this more for myself than anything. I write this so that others can get maybe a more honest glimpse into my life. I don't write this for anyone to feel sorry for me, but rather asking you to pray for my mom. She is a sweet lady and through all of this has shown her co-workers, her friends, strangers, and her family a glimpse of the heart and love of Jesus.
Writing helps me deal with things. If you are reading this please understand with as much sincerity as I can offer, I'm just trying to be real and honest. I don't ever want people to think anything better of me because God has allowed me to stand in front of people and lead worship or teach what the bible says.
Psalms 119:129 "Your testimonies are wonderful; Therefore my soul keeps them."
I look back and at the moments when I am barely able to hold on...His grip has never weakened.
When I was a sophomore in high school my mom and stepdad split up after being married for 15 years. I was always a very shy and quiet kid and kind of internalized how I dealt with everything. My mom and stepdad were always extremely involved in church and taught high school sunday school together and all of that stuff. I was kind of pissed at God because I felt like we did everything Christian we were supposed to and this still happened to us. But we all still kept going to church as if nothing was really wrong.
My mom and I lived together in an apartment for a couple of years as I ended high school. I switched to University HS middle of my junior year for a lot of reasons, but mainly for some type of change. Around my junior year I began to teach myself how to play the guitar. At our youth group worship was being led by these silly music tracks and our awkward youth pastor and I felt like I was supposed to help the situation.
All I really did was sit around and learn worship songs on the guitar and when I was 17 I started leading worship at my youth group having no real idea what I was doing. Aaron played with me then too.
I went on a mission trip called World Changers after my junior year and in the midst of still not liking Jesus very much I felt some type of call to ministry. I am still not sure exactly what that entails because I think all of us are called into ministry as Christians, but for some reason I feel like I am gifted with certain things that maybe makes it possible for me to be in leadership of some sort. And remember I was so shy and could barely talk to anybody.
I believe that God put the guitar in my hands to break out of that shell and be able to communicate with people and to be able to better love people. After my senior year of high school I was able to work in the summers for the World Changers camp as worship leader and last summer I was able to speak at a couple of the camps. I don't say that to try to impress people, but if you only knew how shy I was and how much I didn't really trust in Jesus when I felt a call to do something in ministry...it blows my mind still.
My mom remarried when I was away at the missions camp my first summer after graduating. When I came back I moved in w/ my grandma for a while. Right at the time that I had decided I was going to stop worrying about dating people because it seemed like nobody would fit my complex life and personality...I met Brittany a little over 3 years ago. I believe that Brittany is the greatest person that I have ever met and I am blessed to be able to know her so well. I would recommend that everyone get to know her because they will be tremendously blessed by someone who loves people very well and is a true friend. This past summer we both got to intern at a church up in Maryland all summer and it was beautiful. At the end of the summer on August 8th I proposed to her and we left Maryland a few days later to come back and celebrate with our family here.
On August 15th we found out that my mom had a mass in her body the size of a tennis ball. A rare type of cancer of the adrenal gland that nobody knows much about, but the statistics aren't good. Doctors here wouldn't do the surgery b/c they thought it too dangerous. On September 12th my mom had surgery in Arizona by a small group of doctors who studied the cancer. The tumor had worked its way through many of her veins and somehow by a miracle they were able to get all of the tumor out that day.
She has been on chemo since then pretty hard core. I was speaking at a church back in December and my mom found out that it looked like there was a spot on her liver and was pretty shaken up. They did an ultrasound that week and told her that it turned out to be nothing and to have a good holiday season.
Now the catscan has revealed the spot was something and it has tripled in size since Dec. There are also spots on her lungs and a couple of other places. She cannot get the treatment here but will have to choose from either TX, AZ, or SC and travel there for a week at a time to get the specific chemo treatments. The news is not good.
Her main concern is not ruining the wedding, although that obviously is the last of worries right now. Her husband is not taking it well and is so scared and I don't think he knows how to deal with it. My mom has consistently been positive through this and has shown me the face of Jesus.
I am supposed to be the strong one through all of this for my mom. I will always remember being in the doctors office when they told her she had cancer and it was very serious in a very late stage. I remember the numbness waiting in the hospital for the doctors to tell us if they were able to get all of the tumor. I remember my mom hugging me and crying telling me how scared she is. I know what its like to lead in worship and barely be able to get out the words, "And right now in the good times and bad you are on your throne...you are God alone."
I write this more for myself than anything. I write this so that others can get maybe a more honest glimpse into my life. I don't write this for anyone to feel sorry for me, but rather asking you to pray for my mom. She is a sweet lady and through all of this has shown her co-workers, her friends, strangers, and her family a glimpse of the heart and love of Jesus.
Writing helps me deal with things. If you are reading this please understand with as much sincerity as I can offer, I'm just trying to be real and honest. I don't ever want people to think anything better of me because God has allowed me to stand in front of people and lead worship or teach what the bible says.
Psalms 119:129 "Your testimonies are wonderful; Therefore my soul keeps them."
I look back and at the moments when I am barely able to hold on...His grip has never weakened.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
First Reset
Just to let everybody know in case they were interested:
1. The people I play music with @ Reset are absolutely incredible.
2. On Wednesday I am moving into the apartment that my future wife and I will be living in.
3. I have grown to hate animals in the house...which is surprising to myself because I grew up with a dog that I loved.
4. Now that I have slept on a feather pillow the last couple of years everything else hurts my neck
1. The people I play music with @ Reset are absolutely incredible.
2. On Wednesday I am moving into the apartment that my future wife and I will be living in.
3. I have grown to hate animals in the house...which is surprising to myself because I grew up with a dog that I loved.
4. Now that I have slept on a feather pillow the last couple of years everything else hurts my neck
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Reset
Reset will be starting @ FBC Orlando Feb. 24th.
If you want more info just look up www.resetorlando.com
Hope to see you there.
If you want more info just look up www.resetorlando.com
Hope to see you there.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Things I Will Miss
So last Sunday was my last day working for my former church. I don't like the word former...it seems negative. And the word "old" sounds old. How about this *by the way I did start this blog with the word "so" I just forgot the .......... that ran through my mind before I kept typing*
Last Sunday was my last day on staff at Eastpoint Fellowship.
(That sounds good)
I thought about it and I have been involved working and getting paid by a church or some religious organization consistently for the last 6 years almost. I think that what most people that haven't worked at a church don't understand as much as those that have is that it is still a job. You still have your good days and your bad...your ups and downs. There are times when you love your job and think there is nothing you would rather do and wish you could do it forever and a day. And then there are times when you hate your job and you hate the people you have to deal with and the stupid hoops you have to jump through. Every pastor ever has felt these emotions if they have been at a place for at least 1 year or maybe even 6 months. Nobody really talks about it though because that might look like we don't love well or our hearts aren't big enough or whatever.
Just like I cannot read into your life and your job and your growth as a person...you will never understand what it was like for me to work at Eastpoint. In a great and positive way I was stretched to my limits and forced to grow up and take on responsibility that I had not seen before and that I was not always sure that I could handle.
In the same way that you know in your heart that it is time to move to another company or to alter how you interact with certain people or how to improve on your relationships and it is just a matter of doing it...I knew that it was my time to leave Eastpoint. And there is nothing negative about it. I believe that I left Eastpoint at the time when the church was the strongest and on the verge of something bigger than anybody on staff could truly comprehend. The excitement and love and energy of a group of people is now at it's highest in the community of Eastpoint.
That isn't when you are supposed to leave though right?
I believe in our hearts God whispers truth in the clearest voice even when it doesn't really make a lot of sense or it doesn't look like the best career move or whatever.
But we know what we are supposed to do.
Now to the topic at hand. There are some things that I won't miss, but today it hit me some of the things I will miss.
I will miss the old people. From my beginning as a 19 year old leading worship there the people over the age of around 55 were the most encouraging and loving and supporting of me on a consistent basis. Before I started I feared that we would have nothing in common...musically or socially. But I found the gentleness and patience of the Father in their eyes and their hearts as week after week they have hugged me and given me words of wisdom and encouragement. Sometimes they smell funny. On occasion I thought that I had done something that had really touched their hearts and I saw them tearing up as they talked to me...only to realize later that it might be glaucoma."
"Why are you crying mam?"
"Whaat?
"Are you ok...why are you crying?"
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
"Never mind...thats ooze. See you next week."
Funny, but I will really miss them. I have grown to love them dearly.
I will miss people like Michael Barton. I still have memories as a little kid seeing his basketball card collection and talking about how amazing Jordan was. He would come up to me pretty much every week after service and chit chat for a little. No matter if we talked Gators or how my mom was doing I felt so comfortable and knew he was supportive of me. One time him and a man named Antonio knew that I wanted to know this wall out on stage that was taking up wasted room and they did took it upon themselves to do it and do a great job. They weren't looking for recognition. They just wanted to help out. That meant more to me than anybody can ever know.
I will miss people like Charlie Fish. He is seriously one of the nicest guys and most willing to help I have ever met. He does so much for the church that nobody knows about and he does it so well. Such a blessing to the staff and he probably doesn't realize it.
I'll miss hanging out with the little kids in the nursery during the 2nd service and holding the babies.
I'll miss waking up at 6:30am every sunday with a great attitude and having to warm my voice up from the moment I get out of bed to my blinding drive east so I can hit the notes on "Famous One". Just kidding. I'll never miss that.
This is way too long. But it is starting to sink in a little bit. I love the people at Eastpoint and will miss being a part of that church...but I am excited about joining Jesus' work in another section of orlando for a more focused age group.
Last Sunday was my last day on staff at Eastpoint Fellowship.
(That sounds good)
I thought about it and I have been involved working and getting paid by a church or some religious organization consistently for the last 6 years almost. I think that what most people that haven't worked at a church don't understand as much as those that have is that it is still a job. You still have your good days and your bad...your ups and downs. There are times when you love your job and think there is nothing you would rather do and wish you could do it forever and a day. And then there are times when you hate your job and you hate the people you have to deal with and the stupid hoops you have to jump through. Every pastor ever has felt these emotions if they have been at a place for at least 1 year or maybe even 6 months. Nobody really talks about it though because that might look like we don't love well or our hearts aren't big enough or whatever.
Just like I cannot read into your life and your job and your growth as a person...you will never understand what it was like for me to work at Eastpoint. In a great and positive way I was stretched to my limits and forced to grow up and take on responsibility that I had not seen before and that I was not always sure that I could handle.
In the same way that you know in your heart that it is time to move to another company or to alter how you interact with certain people or how to improve on your relationships and it is just a matter of doing it...I knew that it was my time to leave Eastpoint. And there is nothing negative about it. I believe that I left Eastpoint at the time when the church was the strongest and on the verge of something bigger than anybody on staff could truly comprehend. The excitement and love and energy of a group of people is now at it's highest in the community of Eastpoint.
That isn't when you are supposed to leave though right?
I believe in our hearts God whispers truth in the clearest voice even when it doesn't really make a lot of sense or it doesn't look like the best career move or whatever.
But we know what we are supposed to do.
Now to the topic at hand. There are some things that I won't miss, but today it hit me some of the things I will miss.
I will miss the old people. From my beginning as a 19 year old leading worship there the people over the age of around 55 were the most encouraging and loving and supporting of me on a consistent basis. Before I started I feared that we would have nothing in common...musically or socially. But I found the gentleness and patience of the Father in their eyes and their hearts as week after week they have hugged me and given me words of wisdom and encouragement. Sometimes they smell funny. On occasion I thought that I had done something that had really touched their hearts and I saw them tearing up as they talked to me...only to realize later that it might be glaucoma."
"Why are you crying mam?"
"Whaat?
"Are you ok...why are you crying?"
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
"Never mind...thats ooze. See you next week."
Funny, but I will really miss them. I have grown to love them dearly.
I will miss people like Michael Barton. I still have memories as a little kid seeing his basketball card collection and talking about how amazing Jordan was. He would come up to me pretty much every week after service and chit chat for a little. No matter if we talked Gators or how my mom was doing I felt so comfortable and knew he was supportive of me. One time him and a man named Antonio knew that I wanted to know this wall out on stage that was taking up wasted room and they did took it upon themselves to do it and do a great job. They weren't looking for recognition. They just wanted to help out. That meant more to me than anybody can ever know.
I will miss people like Charlie Fish. He is seriously one of the nicest guys and most willing to help I have ever met. He does so much for the church that nobody knows about and he does it so well. Such a blessing to the staff and he probably doesn't realize it.
I'll miss hanging out with the little kids in the nursery during the 2nd service and holding the babies.
I'll miss waking up at 6:30am every sunday with a great attitude and having to warm my voice up from the moment I get out of bed to my blinding drive east so I can hit the notes on "Famous One". Just kidding. I'll never miss that.
This is way too long. But it is starting to sink in a little bit. I love the people at Eastpoint and will miss being a part of that church...but I am excited about joining Jesus' work in another section of orlando for a more focused age group.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Why I Hate/Love Political Season
This time of season brings out what people really care about. They tell you what is important in an election and that is who they will vote for...blah blah blah.
The reason that I hate listening to conservative radio talk show hosts like Rush and Sean Hannity is because they are GREAT manipulators, but rarely ever allow for the truth to come out. If you watch any interview or listen to any on the radio from the Hannity guy he does not allow opposing views the chance to speak their point of view. 5 years ago I liked him. Now he has turned into a total ass like Bill Oreily.
One thing that you always hear from these guys is how we need a "Reagan" President. One of the highlights of this that I always hear mentioned is a president who loves and believes in God.
So when Obama first began to run way back in the day you had all of these stupid emails being forwarded around about how he was an extreme muslim and terrorist basically. That he hated God/Jesus and would lead our country "astray" because Muslims hate America. By the way if you ever forward me anything I will block you from emailing me forever. If someone spent 5 minutes of research on their own instead of listening to these idiot radio hosts you would know that this is not even close to true.
So now we are looking like there is a strong possibility that Romney could win the nomination for the Repubs. But what do you hear nothing about??? That he is a mormon. So the mormon religion does not exactly believe God/Jesus thing the way Protestant or Catholics do. Kind of like the Muslims don't exactly believe the God/Jesus thing. If you find any emails about how Romney is going to ruin this nation because of his religion you can forward those to me. Probably not that many out there. Because the belief in God/Jesus to the conservative voters really never was as important as they made it out to be. If it was than HuckleChuckle would have dominated. The conservative voter just wants a conservative...mormon or whatever. It's close enough to Christianity right???
The final point that I would make is that I would never vote for anybody based on what religion they claim and neither should you. I am not going to take my car to a "christian mechanic" or have my home built by a "christian construction company" simply because they are christians. I want the best job on my car or my house or leading the country done by someone who can do the job the best...muslim, mormon, christian, athiest. Yes I am sure that there are some policies that could be influenced by a person's religious beliefs, but they are not going to dominate politics.
Therefore, Christians it's ok to side with Romney if you want to and not be afraid or worried about the mormon thing. Just don't start spouting off about how all Muslims want to kill all of us if its Obama and Romney in the finale. Because then I will have to make the strong case that mormons hate Jesus. Of course neither of those are true.
Obama is my guy. Religion or even political party does not matter. On the issues and as far as his character I say he is the one person that makes me the most comfortable. Its ok if you don't agree. I'm voting for a terroritst.
The reason that I hate listening to conservative radio talk show hosts like Rush and Sean Hannity is because they are GREAT manipulators, but rarely ever allow for the truth to come out. If you watch any interview or listen to any on the radio from the Hannity guy he does not allow opposing views the chance to speak their point of view. 5 years ago I liked him. Now he has turned into a total ass like Bill Oreily.
One thing that you always hear from these guys is how we need a "Reagan" President. One of the highlights of this that I always hear mentioned is a president who loves and believes in God.
So when Obama first began to run way back in the day you had all of these stupid emails being forwarded around about how he was an extreme muslim and terrorist basically. That he hated God/Jesus and would lead our country "astray" because Muslims hate America. By the way if you ever forward me anything I will block you from emailing me forever. If someone spent 5 minutes of research on their own instead of listening to these idiot radio hosts you would know that this is not even close to true.
So now we are looking like there is a strong possibility that Romney could win the nomination for the Repubs. But what do you hear nothing about??? That he is a mormon. So the mormon religion does not exactly believe God/Jesus thing the way Protestant or Catholics do. Kind of like the Muslims don't exactly believe the God/Jesus thing. If you find any emails about how Romney is going to ruin this nation because of his religion you can forward those to me. Probably not that many out there. Because the belief in God/Jesus to the conservative voters really never was as important as they made it out to be. If it was than HuckleChuckle would have dominated. The conservative voter just wants a conservative...mormon or whatever. It's close enough to Christianity right???
The final point that I would make is that I would never vote for anybody based on what religion they claim and neither should you. I am not going to take my car to a "christian mechanic" or have my home built by a "christian construction company" simply because they are christians. I want the best job on my car or my house or leading the country done by someone who can do the job the best...muslim, mormon, christian, athiest. Yes I am sure that there are some policies that could be influenced by a person's religious beliefs, but they are not going to dominate politics.
Therefore, Christians it's ok to side with Romney if you want to and not be afraid or worried about the mormon thing. Just don't start spouting off about how all Muslims want to kill all of us if its Obama and Romney in the finale. Because then I will have to make the strong case that mormons hate Jesus. Of course neither of those are true.
Obama is my guy. Religion or even political party does not matter. On the issues and as far as his character I say he is the one person that makes me the most comfortable. Its ok if you don't agree. I'm voting for a terroritst.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
