Same Song Different Melody

Even if I am good at creating what we know as a “worship service” I am not sure that I am fully convinced that what I know as a “worship service” is worth much of anything sometimes. The few times that I have truly felt totally connected with a group of people through worship in singing have been in the dirtiest places. The last time was with a group of random strangers on a smelly farm in Africa singing “Not To Us” to an out of tune guitar. In any other setting while “leading worship” the only thought on my mind through the entire song would have been that my B string was flat. Yet at that moment I did not give a damn that all six strings were not even close to the right tuning. I can remember so clearly how the words of that song resonated from the dirt in my toes to the bugs in my hair.

We sang…and the words were real…

I cried…and it was honest…

I felt peace…and it was never so relaxing as in that song as far away from home as I had ever been.

I realized that night that I sing that song all the time and I am content with great music. I am softened by the harmonies and I am enthused by the sound of the kick drum on the cut out of the chorus…”Not to us…(doom doom) but to Your name…” And when the song ends I am proud of the talent and how much better my voice has gotten over the last few years and all the effort that went into making that song sound just like the recording! Yes…way to go Jason!!! And I can softly say in my own head, “God is so good”, and that justifies the fact that it is all about good music. Its not all about me, because that is too cliché and old and everybody has heard that. It is not even about the style of music. It is simply about good music. That music touched my soul. And the reason that I know that it is about good music is because I would not have felt the same in my heart after the song if my B string was out of tune, or if I was just slightly off vocally. But that cold night in Africa in the middle of the mountains and under the stars… my heart was louder than my voice or guitar.

What does that say about the worship services I lead on a regular basis? I don’t know. I know that in Africa I worshipped through singing in a very real way. I didn’t even have to make it seem real, it just was. I know that when I sing “Not To Us” in church I am hoping that the words are true, but in the middle of actually doing something in a country I am not from, I didn’t have to hope. The words were not forced, but honest. And it stemmed from the fact that I was actually doing something to better the lives of other humans. Rather than just trying to make good music. It was honest worship. And every time I lead and think that it was good…I remember that out of tune guitar and 15 of us gathered lifting our hearts desperate to tell God how thankful we were that He loved us enough to let us do some good for others.

Cancer + My Mom = Love Unearthed

The title of my blog is, "Understanding That I Don't Know It All". There are things, however, that I do know a lot more about than most people. I know A LOT about how to dominate in sports video games. I know a lot about how to fix your wireless router so that your internet is accessible throughout your house. I know the right way to treat a toll-booth worker. I even know how to make really really good boiled peanuts.

Then there are the things that I know quite a bit about that few people will ever know anything about at all. They are my secrets. They are the things that have kept me from sleeping. They are the things that if you knew about me you probably wouldn't like me as much. You might not like me anyways, but if you think you know me very well...I have things that are so hidden in my heart that even those close to me would never understand...even I don't understand.

Cancer is terrible. Struggling through cancer with someone you love is beautiful. Cancer in my mom has been absolutely exhausting. Emotionally there is nothing to quite pinpoint exactly what you are feeling. Yet through the wreckage love has overshadowed everything else. I love my mom and am able to freely show it now more than I ever have before. Love not only covers a multitude of sins, but also fear. My mom and I have been more focused on loving each other than being afraid. Believe me, we have been very scared...but I can honestly say that we have loved a lot more than we have been sitting around worrying about what is next.

Now more than ever my own heart has validated what my mind has been telling me lately, that I am supposed to love somebody where they are. I cannot love somebody based upon their actions or what I hope they turn out to be like, for that is their choice and not mine. My only chance of being close is to completely and without hesitation love the people in my life well. The only thing that gets in the way of that is the fact that I allow my expectations of people to determine how much I care about them and how much effort I am willing to put into loving them. The reality is that I have disappointed everybody at some time in my life that is close to me.

What would the world look like if we chose to love well?

Journal Entry Over The Summer

There are moments in life when we breathe in the scent of hope. And often times it is in the middle of the ordinary. A thunderstorm had knocked the power out in several houses in the area. My friend’s dad had just gotten home from the hospital that day after being out for about 10 days following surgery. He has pancreatic cancer and I sat with his two children in the dark living room with just a battery operated lamp closing in on midnight. No other lights or even a humming of power. In the faint background some type of alarm system was beeping at a high pitch. Maybe it was the stillness and the quiet…maybe it was the lack of television or something else to avert our attention…maybe it was the fact that their father had just gotten home that day from being in the hospital for too long…

Whatever it was…it was a sacred moment.

As we laughed…I got the sense that they would be ok.

In that 20 minutes or so all we had was each other and some dying cell phones and it was more than enough.

Hope filled this dark room that had seen pain and tears in the last two weeks greater than ever before. We laughed at the “Cancer Sucks” buttons they had purchased at the hospital and in the laughter there was happiness.

I am learning to take in those experiences and not let them pass. I don’t overanalyze EVERYTHING, I promise. But there was just something about that moment that was holy.

As if God was right there in that room …

Laughing with us…

Hurting with them…

And understanding exactly what we needed at that moment.

I don’t believe there was anything super theological that we or I was supposed to pull from the living room that night. I just believe that for a few minutes God allowed the pain to be subdued and replaced with the warmth of love. And I believe those two friends of mine who have been overcome with the stress of their dad having cancer were allowed to just breathe easy. Just relax. And the scent of hope filled that room and it was so needed.

"Ministry"

The question asked of me lately is "What do you want to do ministry?"

The question is asked because I am at that place in my life where apparently I am supposed to have an answer of exactly what I am going to do for the rest of my life. The question is asked by people after they ask me what my next step is in a job and I don't answer, "I'm going to work in a church somewhere full time." The question is asked by people who love me and know me well and by people who know that I lead worship and nothing more.

Has ministry become a job?

Has ministry become compartmentalized into sections such as youth or music?

The only response that seems to make sense to me is "What do you want to do in ministry?"

not a big fan of emotional roller coasters

It was a month ago tomorrow that we found out my mom had a large tumor mass the size of a tennis ball near her kidneys. The following day we found out that she was possibly already in stage 4 of Adrenocortical Carcinoma. That is the technical term for having cancer of the adrenal gland. It is a rare form of aggressive cancer that only 1 in every 1.5 million people get. This all took place a week after Brittany and I became engaged.

I have no idea if I will ever be able to explain, even to myself, what kind of emotional roller coaster this has been. Brittany and I were in Maryland this summer interning at a church and we had the blessing of feeling like we completely fit in with the people up there. We made incredible friends over the course of 11 weeks and honestly it was very hard to leave. I have had the privilege of being gone 4 out of the last 5 summers and getting to know wonderful people through camps and internships now. Through this I know that when you leave a place that you feel extremely used by God it is very lonely when you return home. You feel as though it is somewhat a let down...that somehow God will not be able to use you in such a strong way. These feelings are very real and very strong and this is what I was preparing to deal with when I returned home. Our engagement occurred at the end of our time in Maryland and was easily the best day of my life. So there were two opposite feelings at the same time going on. I was incredibly glad to share and celebrate the engagement and also I was dealing with missing the place and the people I was with all summer.

I will never forget the look on my mom's face when the radiologist told us that she had cancer and it was in stage 3 and possibly even 4. Even now as I type this, that memory deeply saddens me. Usually people loose a lot of weight and you know that something is very wrong and the diagnosis of cancer is still devastating, but not extremely unexpected. My mom looked totally normal, however. She had a few symptoms that lead her to figure out what was going on in her body, but 2 days before that moment I would have said my mom is doing great. In that moment everything that I thought was hard that I was dealing with (missing Maryland) became obsolete.

In this last month some of my best friends of my life have experienced very deep and heavy burdens like never before. Guys that I love and would consider family all hurting due to jobs, diseases, relationships...everything. We have all experienced things that we never have before and pain that we have never known...all at the same time. In some way it has been a little comforting. I can be a real idiot sometimes and so can my friends, but in this last month all of those things mattered so little. All we wanted was each other. And I usually wouldn't say that sentence or type that because it sounds really gay, but in this time of our lives it fits. We didn't care about stupid things we've done in the past. We didn't have to be doing anything fun. We just needed to know that we were there, that we are there.

It has been a crazy month. It has been so ugly and so beautiful at the same time.

And if my heart and flesh are weak
To bear an untried pain,
The bruised reed He will not break,
But strengthen and sustain.