10 Things You Probably Don't Know About Me

10. I really like "Il Divo"...to the point I bought a DVD of theirs. I prefer when they sing in Spanish. Il Divo seriously is amazing.

9. I really enjoy sitting around and planning out my budget in my off time. Just writing numbers over and over on a scratch piece of paper and scribbling and starting again.

8. Although I hate country music, Diamond Rio is the greatest band of all time. Not just a good band or one good thing from country music. But literally the greatest band of all time. I believe that it will be Diamond Rio playing just about any song they want as I am entering heaven.

7. I've never really liked Easter. I know that sounds bad because of my position and all. It has nothing to do with the meaning behind easter. I just hate eggs, and dying them w/ vinegar, and having to hunt for them, and bunnies, and having to dress nicer than any other time of the year for no apparent reason.

6. I have incredible hearing but for some reason running water in the sink always takes my ears' full attention and I cannot hear what anyone or any tv station is saying until the sink is turned off.

5. I have never been in a fight before. I am afraid that if one day I do engage in hand to hand combat that I will uncontrolably kill the other person who will be the receiver of all of my rage from birth until that moment in time. I hope for my sake I don't ever get in a fight.

4. On occasion I like to smoke.

3. My sense of humor is sometimes very odd. I find things funny that just shouldn't be funny. Not naughty or vulgur things, but things that just aren't funny to a majority of people I think are hilarious.

2. I think that I could be a great piano player and feel as though I am a great piano player. The only problem is that I have never really done anything to practice the piano so that I can grow into my natural born talent.

1. I'm not too concerned with my "career". I don't really want to be defined by what I do, but rather by who I am and who I am becoming. You might know that about me already though. You might mistake it for being lazy or not having a plan. But you might be wrong.

:(

I am really sad that football season is coming to a close. It really is my favorite time of the year.

Still Taken Back

I stood in line on my lunch break at the Chick-Fil-A at the mall wearing my t-shirt that says, "Cancer Sucks". I kind of wish that I could wear it every day because I always get responses from people. Even the meanest looking people in the world will break the ice around their chin and smile towards me when passing.

The young lady behind the counter smiled when it was my turn to order and her eyes centered on my shirt and she looked up with a matter of fact smile and said, "It really does suck!"

"Yes it does." I smiled back... slightly more focused on how long had my combo #1 been sitting under the heat lamp than starting a conversation about cancer with a stranger.

"Where did you get that shirt?"

Typical response to try and let the person know without making it sound like I want them to feel sorry for me..."From the hospital where my mom had surgery." This time I made sure go give a gentle smile and look her in the eye. This was not so much me being nice, but rather to make her aware that I was doing fine. And before she could respond I added that I would like a number 1 with a diet coke. And I said please at the end of it. Very nice tone too I might add.

"How is your mom doing now," asked another person in line next to me. This lady was probably in her late 50's and seemed nice and genuine. At this point I realized I would have to engage myself in actually communicating with another human being and I told her that my mom was doing pretty good and that the surgery went very well (The girl behind the counter was holding my bag of food and listening to me...I was sooooooooo hungry).

The lady next to me then began to break my heart as she told me her story. She had lost her mother and her husband to cancer. Her 29 year old daughter had been fighting cancer for 3 years and cancer was winning the battle. Tears filled her eyes as she told me they just found out that it had spread to her daughter's brain, liver, kidneys, and spine. Her daughter had about 2 months to live.

When you kind of understand a person you know what kind of responses they DO NOT want to hear. They don't want to hear that it will all be ok. I simply asked what her daughter's name was and I asked what her name was. I said, "I'll tell you what Sandy. This week I will make sure to pray for you and Maria (her daughter)."

Sandy looked up at me and began to cry and was trying to apologize. Of all the things I would have wanted to happen the last one on the list did...

I began to cry.

And then we hugged as though we were family and we cried together.

WTF?

Something had happened in such a short time and the weight of everything knocked us into each other's embrace and we spoke to each other with only tears.

It wasn't loud and we didn't drag it out. And NO we did not kiss at the end. But it was so insane and exactly what I needed at that moment in the middle of the line at Chick-Fil-A in the freaking mall.

I turned back to get my bag of food and the girl behind the counter had tears in her eyes and she said, "thank you" in a very heartfelt way as if I had done something really meaningful. She handed me the bag and in a simple statement said that her brother had cancer and good luck to me and my family.

I walked away not feeling embarrassed in any way. That happened a week ago and I still think its rather odd that I stood in the public and hugged and cried with a late 50 year old woman whom I had met 45 seconds prior. I find it even more odd that I don't really care and I sat down to eat my chicken sandwich and somehow felt relieved.

I have no real comment on why it happened or what exactly it meant to me or why it matters at all.

I just needed to share a true story that I can hardly still believe.

Life Lessons From Sean

Every time that I begin a blog the first word that I type is "so..." and then I go back and erase it. But that has nothing to do with anything.

Thursday night I was watching the USF football game with my friend at Chilis. We were seated at the bar in front of their beautiful HD television when I heard and could not help but notice the guy that was seated next to me.

Sean looked, talked, and acted like Eminem. Come to find out he was 33 years old (He looked about 25). He had brought his 13 year old daughter to Chilis that night with him to sit at the bar. The funny thing (I should say that one of the many funny things) I realized immediately was that Sean talked to his daughter like I figured that he would talk to one of his buddies. Imagine the most hyper ghetto fabulous white guy hanging out with all his black friends and cracking jokes about everything. This was going on between Sean and his daughter.

I first wrote Sean off as one of the biggest losers probably of all time. I mean, what 33 year old talks like that and dresses like that and especially to his daughter? Although Sean was a loser in my mind...he could make anybody laugh. Pretty much anything he said was hysterical and it was even more funny because of the situation. One of my favorite parts was when he was watching the game and the USF player trucked a Rutgers player and Sean stood up and said:

"Daaaaaaaaaaaamn, that boy coulda killed anybody....dis nigga(as he pointed to me)...dis nigga(as he pointed to the black lady near him)...and even dis huge nigga(pointing to the manager on duty)."

Now thats just funny.

Anyways as we watched the game you couldn't really help but talk to Sean.

Long story short Sean was one of the most honest people I have ever met. He has one of the best relationships with his daughter (even though nothing I could ever say would make you believe that) and even more so had some incredible advice.

My friend and I are both engaged and we started talking to Sean about it. He basically questioned us to see if we really loved our fiances and then told us that he could see it in our eyes and our smile and proceeded to offer some of the best encouragement about marriage I have gotten.

It was all so insane, seriously.

But Sean turned out to be a lot cooler than the loser that I had originally pegged him to be. He was a lot funnier than you could imagine. He was a lot smarter than his attire supposed. He was a lot kinder than his tattoos suggested. And he cared a lot more about people than I did.

Its so odd sometimes the people that God uses to reveal His character through. If I truly believe what I say than I do believe that every person reveals the character of God in some way even if they don't know it or even if they don't want to. If we are made in the image of God than little things like being nice, or making people laugh, or odd people who can look past your stereotypical eyes and still want to talk with you...reveal the heart of God.

Sean is a crazy guy and I'm glad we met.

And I kinda like Eminem for reasons I do not know.

"Your church's target is non-believers therefore it is NOT a church.

This whole notion about churches targeting the un-churched is absurd and unbiblical.

Also, who cares if you guys feed the poor etc. The mormons and the muslims both do that. We will see none of them in heaven because they don't believe the one true faith."

The statement above I read just a moment ago on a website. The website is devoted to tearing down churches and pastors. Of course, the ones who have started the site and who do all the bashing claim to be Christians themselves.

The original post was a church member who was so angry that the pastor of a church didn't preach a typical resurrection message on easter Sunday. The church did have a Good Friday service, but stayed in their series on Sunday morning on how Jesus is involved in the dysfunction in the home. The original post was from an anonymous church member who asked everyone to pray for the church because it was being led astray by the pastor who did not care about the gospel.

Another member of the church responded to this page long rant and explained that he really loved the church and that Jesus had changed a lot of lives through the messages of the pastor and the ministry (feeding the poor) of the church. He was not angry or mean or hateful. He simply stated how God has used the church in a great way in a lot of people's lives.

This obviously sent anonymous over the edge and he HAD to respond and continue to degrade the church by telling them it wasn't a church and all this stupid crap. I posted just a small segment of his response because this is the kind of statement that makes me angry and sad and frustrated at the same time.

His statement about, "who cares if you feed the poor..." totally ridiculous. I would say that the starving kids who got to eat that day care. And I would say that Jesus cares too. I believe that Jesus has been in the process of restoring humanity and redeeming all things from the beginning of time. I think when the Muslims, Mormons, Jews, Christians, and Atheists feed the homeless that Jesus cares because I believe He is involved with all of it.

Nobody will ever agree on how church is supposed to be done. But nobody should ever believe that Jesus is too small to change lives in any setting with any pastor and any sermon or act of service. Every church has something to offer no matter how bad you don't want to believe it. Every person has been gifted by God and can be used by God no matter how much you hate the way they do things.

What would it look like if we spent more time focusing on what churches do well and building on that instead of sitting around wasting our energy talking, blogging, complaining about how bad and how wrong churches do things?

The statement at the beginning of this comes from a person who wants to be right more than they want to see Jesus.

And that makes me sick.

And want to cuss the guy out for being so ignorant.

But I won't.

Connecting in a small(big) way

Today I went into Subway to get a turkey sub w/ honey mustard (fat free) on wheat bread. I am on this journey called getting in shape and it hasn't been too bad actually. I already feel better physically from working out and eating better. But the 3-4 O'clock hunger is pretty intense.

Anyways, I walk into Subway to get my meal, or what I used to call a snack. No chips or even apples...or EVEN soda. Just a sub and water. I am wearing a shirt that I got from my mom that says, "CANCER SUCKS" in huge letters across the front. She got one for me from the hospital in Arizona where she had the surgery. The girl behind the counter (a.k.a. my sandwich artist) asked me if my shirt said anything on the back and I told her no, just that cancer sucks and that was really all it said. She smiled a little and began to make my turkey sandwich and said "I really like that shirt."

She then told me that cancer really did suck and I agreed. I told her I got it from my mom and she told me that her mom also had cancer. She asked some details about my mom and I kind of let her talk. I didn't really want to ask her any questions because she seemed comfortable just talking and I wasn't sure if her mother was still alive. After asking me if I wanted the meal or just the sandwich she kind of sighed and said that she understands how hard that it can be and the last couple years have been rough for their family. She didn't say it trying to make me feel sorry for her, but rather it seemed that she was showing me sympathy. It was a lot more honest and heartfelt than the gentleman at my church that told me, "It's OK Jason, God's got it all under control...there's nothing to worry about."

I disagreed with his assessment.

As I paid for my meal I told her thanks for my meal and the conversation. I ate my sub and as I opened the exit door I looked back because she had smiled and said "Good luck" across the restaurant.

Her and I understand each other. We don't know each other at all really. We might never speak again. But I think she might remember my shirt and remember our short conversation. Maybe she will be reminded that there are others that are experiencing similar situations to her and that she is not as alone as she may think.

It was a great 75 second conversation that I believe Jesus smiled at.

Same Song Different Melody

Even if I am good at creating what we know as a “worship service” I am not sure that I am fully convinced that what I know as a “worship service” is worth much of anything sometimes. The few times that I have truly felt totally connected with a group of people through worship in singing have been in the dirtiest places. The last time was with a group of random strangers on a smelly farm in Africa singing “Not To Us” to an out of tune guitar. In any other setting while “leading worship” the only thought on my mind through the entire song would have been that my B string was flat. Yet at that moment I did not give a damn that all six strings were not even close to the right tuning. I can remember so clearly how the words of that song resonated from the dirt in my toes to the bugs in my hair.

We sang…and the words were real…

I cried…and it was honest…

I felt peace…and it was never so relaxing as in that song as far away from home as I had ever been.

I realized that night that I sing that song all the time and I am content with great music. I am softened by the harmonies and I am enthused by the sound of the kick drum on the cut out of the chorus…”Not to us…(doom doom) but to Your name…” And when the song ends I am proud of the talent and how much better my voice has gotten over the last few years and all the effort that went into making that song sound just like the recording! Yes…way to go Jason!!! And I can softly say in my own head, “God is so good”, and that justifies the fact that it is all about good music. Its not all about me, because that is too cliché and old and everybody has heard that. It is not even about the style of music. It is simply about good music. That music touched my soul. And the reason that I know that it is about good music is because I would not have felt the same in my heart after the song if my B string was out of tune, or if I was just slightly off vocally. But that cold night in Africa in the middle of the mountains and under the stars… my heart was louder than my voice or guitar.

What does that say about the worship services I lead on a regular basis? I don’t know. I know that in Africa I worshipped through singing in a very real way. I didn’t even have to make it seem real, it just was. I know that when I sing “Not To Us” in church I am hoping that the words are true, but in the middle of actually doing something in a country I am not from, I didn’t have to hope. The words were not forced, but honest. And it stemmed from the fact that I was actually doing something to better the lives of other humans. Rather than just trying to make good music. It was honest worship. And every time I lead and think that it was good…I remember that out of tune guitar and 15 of us gathered lifting our hearts desperate to tell God how thankful we were that He loved us enough to let us do some good for others.

Cancer + My Mom = Love Unearthed

The title of my blog is, "Understanding That I Don't Know It All". There are things, however, that I do know a lot more about than most people. I know A LOT about how to dominate in sports video games. I know a lot about how to fix your wireless router so that your internet is accessible throughout your house. I know the right way to treat a toll-booth worker. I even know how to make really really good boiled peanuts.

Then there are the things that I know quite a bit about that few people will ever know anything about at all. They are my secrets. They are the things that have kept me from sleeping. They are the things that if you knew about me you probably wouldn't like me as much. You might not like me anyways, but if you think you know me very well...I have things that are so hidden in my heart that even those close to me would never understand...even I don't understand.

Cancer is terrible. Struggling through cancer with someone you love is beautiful. Cancer in my mom has been absolutely exhausting. Emotionally there is nothing to quite pinpoint exactly what you are feeling. Yet through the wreckage love has overshadowed everything else. I love my mom and am able to freely show it now more than I ever have before. Love not only covers a multitude of sins, but also fear. My mom and I have been more focused on loving each other than being afraid. Believe me, we have been very scared...but I can honestly say that we have loved a lot more than we have been sitting around worrying about what is next.

Now more than ever my own heart has validated what my mind has been telling me lately, that I am supposed to love somebody where they are. I cannot love somebody based upon their actions or what I hope they turn out to be like, for that is their choice and not mine. My only chance of being close is to completely and without hesitation love the people in my life well. The only thing that gets in the way of that is the fact that I allow my expectations of people to determine how much I care about them and how much effort I am willing to put into loving them. The reality is that I have disappointed everybody at some time in my life that is close to me.

What would the world look like if we chose to love well?

Journal Entry Over The Summer

There are moments in life when we breathe in the scent of hope. And often times it is in the middle of the ordinary. A thunderstorm had knocked the power out in several houses in the area. My friend’s dad had just gotten home from the hospital that day after being out for about 10 days following surgery. He has pancreatic cancer and I sat with his two children in the dark living room with just a battery operated lamp closing in on midnight. No other lights or even a humming of power. In the faint background some type of alarm system was beeping at a high pitch. Maybe it was the stillness and the quiet…maybe it was the lack of television or something else to avert our attention…maybe it was the fact that their father had just gotten home that day from being in the hospital for too long…

Whatever it was…it was a sacred moment.

As we laughed…I got the sense that they would be ok.

In that 20 minutes or so all we had was each other and some dying cell phones and it was more than enough.

Hope filled this dark room that had seen pain and tears in the last two weeks greater than ever before. We laughed at the “Cancer Sucks” buttons they had purchased at the hospital and in the laughter there was happiness.

I am learning to take in those experiences and not let them pass. I don’t overanalyze EVERYTHING, I promise. But there was just something about that moment that was holy.

As if God was right there in that room …

Laughing with us…

Hurting with them…

And understanding exactly what we needed at that moment.

I don’t believe there was anything super theological that we or I was supposed to pull from the living room that night. I just believe that for a few minutes God allowed the pain to be subdued and replaced with the warmth of love. And I believe those two friends of mine who have been overcome with the stress of their dad having cancer were allowed to just breathe easy. Just relax. And the scent of hope filled that room and it was so needed.

"Ministry"

The question asked of me lately is "What do you want to do ministry?"

The question is asked because I am at that place in my life where apparently I am supposed to have an answer of exactly what I am going to do for the rest of my life. The question is asked by people after they ask me what my next step is in a job and I don't answer, "I'm going to work in a church somewhere full time." The question is asked by people who love me and know me well and by people who know that I lead worship and nothing more.

Has ministry become a job?

Has ministry become compartmentalized into sections such as youth or music?

The only response that seems to make sense to me is "What do you want to do in ministry?"

not a big fan of emotional roller coasters

It was a month ago tomorrow that we found out my mom had a large tumor mass the size of a tennis ball near her kidneys. The following day we found out that she was possibly already in stage 4 of Adrenocortical Carcinoma. That is the technical term for having cancer of the adrenal gland. It is a rare form of aggressive cancer that only 1 in every 1.5 million people get. This all took place a week after Brittany and I became engaged.

I have no idea if I will ever be able to explain, even to myself, what kind of emotional roller coaster this has been. Brittany and I were in Maryland this summer interning at a church and we had the blessing of feeling like we completely fit in with the people up there. We made incredible friends over the course of 11 weeks and honestly it was very hard to leave. I have had the privilege of being gone 4 out of the last 5 summers and getting to know wonderful people through camps and internships now. Through this I know that when you leave a place that you feel extremely used by God it is very lonely when you return home. You feel as though it is somewhat a let down...that somehow God will not be able to use you in such a strong way. These feelings are very real and very strong and this is what I was preparing to deal with when I returned home. Our engagement occurred at the end of our time in Maryland and was easily the best day of my life. So there were two opposite feelings at the same time going on. I was incredibly glad to share and celebrate the engagement and also I was dealing with missing the place and the people I was with all summer.

I will never forget the look on my mom's face when the radiologist told us that she had cancer and it was in stage 3 and possibly even 4. Even now as I type this, that memory deeply saddens me. Usually people loose a lot of weight and you know that something is very wrong and the diagnosis of cancer is still devastating, but not extremely unexpected. My mom looked totally normal, however. She had a few symptoms that lead her to figure out what was going on in her body, but 2 days before that moment I would have said my mom is doing great. In that moment everything that I thought was hard that I was dealing with (missing Maryland) became obsolete.

In this last month some of my best friends of my life have experienced very deep and heavy burdens like never before. Guys that I love and would consider family all hurting due to jobs, diseases, relationships...everything. We have all experienced things that we never have before and pain that we have never known...all at the same time. In some way it has been a little comforting. I can be a real idiot sometimes and so can my friends, but in this last month all of those things mattered so little. All we wanted was each other. And I usually wouldn't say that sentence or type that because it sounds really gay, but in this time of our lives it fits. We didn't care about stupid things we've done in the past. We didn't have to be doing anything fun. We just needed to know that we were there, that we are there.

It has been a crazy month. It has been so ugly and so beautiful at the same time.

And if my heart and flesh are weak
To bear an untried pain,
The bruised reed He will not break,
But strengthen and sustain.